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Refuses Jokes

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

A time traveler walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him.

"Why the hell not?" he asks.

"We don't serve *any* time travelers here," the bartender explains, "not since one got stinking drunk and trashed the place four years ago."

"Four years ago, you say..."

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

What do you call a spice vendor who refuses to wash his hands?

Someone with too much thyme on his hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

If a child refuses a nap

are they resisting arrest?

A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

What do you call the child of an electrical engineer who refuses to potty train?

A pull-up resister.

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 m...

My Daughter woke me up.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month.
"I don't know," I said as I slipped on my
glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up wit...

Johnny Depp refuses to get another dose of the vaccine

He says he now has Heard immunity

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

My partner refuses to go to Karaoke with me.

Guess I have to duet alone.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

My boyfriend told me he refuses to date girls named Rachel....

....I accused him of Rachel discrimination.

is google male or female?

female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

What do you call someone who refuses to "open up and say ah?"

Noah.

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

What does an Indian who refuses to leave say?

Namaste.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A driver refuses to stop for police.....

They chase him for miles and finally pull the old guy over. Policeman asks him why he didn't stop. The old guy says, "Well, fifteen years ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you bastards might have been trying to give her back!"

What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up ?

A Nightmare.

Since Dorian refuses to move

Can we downgrade it to a Not-in-a-Hurricane?

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

My wife has a weight problem and refuses to talk about it.

Now whenever she is around, it's like there are two elephants in the room.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

Harry potter refuses to acknowledge he is imaginary

He is in daniel.

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got married but my wife refuses to have sex with me

Something about her being on a honeymoon period?

Wife refusing to leave.

So this was told by my hubs. He doesn't use reddit, so he asked me to post it.




Police: Sir, we can't make your wife just leave the house when she has no where to go.



Husband: That's not true. I bought her a place years ago, just for her and she refuses to go there....

Texas refuses to remove its statues.

Hurricane volunteers to help.

My rich father just REFUSES to die!

It's unbereaveable!

An Egyptian farmer refuses to believe his fields had flooded...

He was in De Nile.

My Chinese friend refuses to believe that our buddy Ty is now the state boxing champion.

People from China refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon little Johnny trying to sell a lawn mower.

"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said little Johnny.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

Little Johnny said, "Mister, y...

A family of three all refuses to do the dishes. [NSFW]

After having dinner, a family of three, the father, the mother and the daughter, can't decide who should do the dishes. All of them refuse and the father comes up with a competition. The first one to say anything or move has to do all of the dishes. So they sit there, silent and still.

Then,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes?

He screws, nuts and bolts.

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