My administrative assistant is suing me. She walked into my office last week and said, “it looks like you’ve lost weight!”

All I said was, “thanks for bringing it back”.

I am suing American Airlines for losing my luggage

Update: I lost the case

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

How does a lawyer say goodbye?

***I'll be suing ya!***

Washington state salmon fisheries are suing campers who have been walking in shallow waters where salmon traditionally spawn

The case is Roe vs. Wade.

I'm suing my wife...

She wont let me get tattoos of grizzles on each bicep. She's infringing on my right to bear arms

I nudged a girl and now her family is suing me

Cruises aren't all the fun they used to be

Why is Jonny Depp’s second wife no longer suing him?

In the last couple months he developed Heard Immunity

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

A man is suing another man for a car crash....

Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!

lawyer: how high can you raise it now?

the man raises his hand to a very low place

lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?

the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go.

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

[long] A man who was suing over an automobile accident was being questioned by the defendant's lawyer.

"*Did you or did you not say at the time of the accident that you were not hurt*?"
"*I did*," replied the plaintiff.
"*But you see, it was like this: I was driving along the road with my old horse and wagon when along comes this car and knocks us into the ditch. You never saw such a horri...

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I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.

Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two neighbors stand before a judge, one suing the other.

The judge asks "For what reason are you suing your neighbor here?"

The man replies "Because this man ripped off one of my testicles!"

The judge, confused, asks "Why would anyone do such a thing?"

The man shrugs and states "I don't know, but I found it and put it in this plastic ...

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Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

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Trump is suing Male enhancement giant Viagra..

He says it's a rigged erection

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A woman is suing a hospital...

A woman is suing a hospital saying that after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my last day of high school I mooned my teacher

Now she’s suing me for sexual hairy-assment

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A woman comes running into the ER

A woman comes running into the ER with both arms in between her legs.

When she eventually gets seen by the doctor, he's surprised to see both hands stuck .. up there.

"So, what exactly is the problem?" The doctor asks.

"I was holding my pet parakeet when it suddenly just flew...

Apple is suing Qualcomm for selling them overpriced chips.

Punchline ends.

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I'm suing samsung.

I bought a Fucking Note 7 for my wife and it stil didn't explode.

Sunscreen

Did you hear Steve Irwin's family is suing Coppertone?
He was wearing it, but it didn't protect him from harmful rays.

One day in a small town, a man buys land right infront of a church

He decides to build a brothel there and when the priest and the other religious folk heard that, they strongly stood against the construction of the house of many sins. However, nobody could do anything because the land was not theirs and the man could legally build anything he wanted there.

...

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Three Dogs are in kennels at the vet. A mutt, a chihuahua, and a lab.

"What are you in for?" The mutt asks the Chihuahua.

"I've been humping the master's leg too much so they sent me here to get fixed." Says the chihuahua. "What about you?"

"I knocked up the poodle next door. She's a purebred with papers so the neighbors are suing my family. I'm here t...

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BREAKING NEWS!!!!

A woman is in the process of suing one of the country's leading hospitals, stating that following treatment her husband has lost all interest in sex with her.
The hospital concerned in their defence stated: "We merely rectified his vision."

Why are there never black dwarves in fantasy films?

Because Kevin Hart keeps suing the production companies for using his likeness without his approval.

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