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Refused Jokes

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!
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Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.
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I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind
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My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.
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I gave my daughter a piece of traditional Jewish bread for an afternoon meal, but she refused it.

She ain’t no challah snack girl.
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My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."
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What happened to the cow that refused to become steaks?

She was grounded.
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When Simba refused to go back to his Pride, you could say he was just

*A whim away*
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

For the longest time my wife refused to go spelunking with me...

But finally she caved.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say when I refused to eat more fiber?

"Well, that's tough shit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a nun refused to have sex with me, on religious gounds.

So we went next door.

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic
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100% of sinks get refused entry to bars....

Let that sink in.
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We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...
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I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.
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A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.
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After the priest performed a successful exorcism, Brenda refused to pay the fee.

The priest had her repossessed.
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Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?

It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.
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Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.
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UPS refused to send my item with USPS pre-paid shipping

Come on man, it’s just one letter!
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When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.
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My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"
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Did you hear about the guy who refused to stop pretending to be an apple crumble?

He got taken into custardy.
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Did I ever tell you about the time my friend had an exorcism and refused to pay?

He got… Repossessed.
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My dad refused to tell me what his favorite snack was

When ever I asked he said it was pop secret
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I had a teacher that refused to fail anyone...

No "F"s given.
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Did you hear the one about the hobo who refused to wash?

He got arrested for fragrancy.
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The only flight available was on a plane transporting corpses. I needed to get home so I bought a ticket but they refused to let me on the plane.

I think that the problem was my carrion.
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I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...
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Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable
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I was in the interrogation room last night, but I refused to say a word.

I don't think I should be a policeman.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to believe I was dyslexic and gay.

Then I realised I was in Daniel.

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?
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Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book?

He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"
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Why did the cube refused to fuck icosahedron?

Because their relationship was solidly platonic.

He refused to act like a bird.

I pointed my gun at him and insisted.

But he was unflappable.
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A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment
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The elves refused Santa’s orders to decorate the Christmas tree

They were written up for insubornamation
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A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...
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A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away
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My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex...

Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10

2 guys holding hands were refused service at a local spa...

It was a mask man date.
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My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish
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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...
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My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.
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A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...
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Did you hear about the lawyer who refused to represent U2 in court?

He didn’t want to work pro-Bono
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was weirdly calm when the doctor refused to prescribe me Viagra.

No hard feelings.

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.
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What happened to the toddler that refused to take a nap?

She got in trouble for resisting a rrest.
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My friend refused to believe that there was a river in Egypt.

He was in de-Nile.
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The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough
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