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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

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What is the last thing you want to hear after sucking Willie Nelson’s dick

I’m not Willie Nelson.

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What does sucking dick and cycling have in common?

If you make a lifestyle out of it; it can be hard on the knees.

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

A wife asked her husband...

"Why did the vacuum cleaner stop sucking?"
"I don't know it probably got married..."

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I was enjoying my trip to the glory hole until I heard a man moan from the other side of the wall...

I was pretty upset when I found out I was sucking a dudes cock the whole time.

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

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The art of Veterinary Medicine

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two quali...

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

So she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If yo...

Teacher and Student

The teacher asked Johnny, "If there are three birds on a wire and you shoot one, how many are left?"
Johnny says, "none, because the gunshot would scare the other two birds off".
The teacher smiled and said, "Wrong. It's two, but I like the way you think."
Johnny says, "Well teacher, I'd li...

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So I take a trip to my local glory hole…

So I took a trip down to the local glory hole and was lucky enough to find someone on the other side who was down to party! I was having a great time until I heard a GUY moan on the other side of the hole. Like, wait, has it been a DUDE’S cock i’ve been sucking this whole time?!?!

What is the difference between a mosquito and a kinky girl?

Well the mosquito stops sucking if you slap it.

One day the teacher asks the class:

“If i threw a rock at the 9 birds sitting on the fence and took 4 of them down. How many birds would there be left?”

The whole class answers five except one student. He says “No Ms. Brown. There would be 0 because the others would fly away.”

Teacher gets impressed and says “I like your...

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I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night

Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter?

Dude 1 : they all did.

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

I've been sucking up to my boss at work to get a raise, so I told her she looked nice and I liked her perfume.

She just started screaming and yelling "how'd you get in my house!?!". Now I'm in a cop car. Think I'll still get it?

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

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What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's d*ck.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

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