UPJOKE
absorbsucklebreastfeeddrawimbibelactatenursewet-nursegive sucktake insuctionsuck upswallowgulpsucking

Sucked Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is finding out your spouse sucked hundreds of dicks before getting married really such a big deal?

Or is my wife overreacting?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you only sucked average sized penises

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man.

Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took dick sucking class in college and got an F

I sucked so hard at it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus

and unfortunately, so did my parents.

God, this orgy sucked...

Nobody came!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

The only female that sucked my dong since years

has 2 wings and is a mosquito

i sucked a vampire's blood once

it was irony

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finally got my cock sucked!!

And then I killed the mosquito.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cucumber , a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said : "Man my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says: "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me and sticks me in a jar."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has been cheating on me and in hindsight I should have seen it coming

For the past couple months we'd barely talked at all. Our jobs had been super stressful and it made things tense. When she'd ask how my day was, I'd tersely reply "it sucked" or "you don't want to know."

When I asked her how her day had been she'd say "They fucked me at work again"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is sad because it hasn’t been sucked in awhile.

Guess you could say I have mourning wood……

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two male mice sucked each other’s dicks

Later they talked about the incident.

Mouse#1: It was pretty disgusting what we did

Mouse#2: I know. But I only did it for the cheese

I sucked off a comedian

He tasted funny

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
...

Her: That sucked, you barely lasted 2 minutes...

Him: Babe, it was doggy style, so that's like 14 minutes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

An amateur physicist was sucked into a black hole

Apparently, he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’in the heat of the moment, I told my girlfriend she sucked at blowjobs!

And she responded “That’s the whole point idiot”.

The Romans must have sucked at Algebra

Because X was always 10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Presents sucked... [NSFW]

I got a $60 video game for my son, $80 pair of skates for my daughter and a $500 fur coat for my wife. All I got was two sweaters and a piece of ass and they were all two sizes too large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I sucked an ass this morning.

I mean, everyone eats thier animal crackers differently.

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a brothel a man got his dick sucked.

However he was very unhappy with his blowjob, so he asked to speak to the head manager.

I got my friend a new set of arrows, but he said they looked like they sucked

I told him not to knock it until he nocks it.

God wanted to make sure that every man would get sucked at least once in his life

So he created mosquitoes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

NYC's New Year's sucked.

They really dropped the ball this year.

If I Had A Dollar Every Time Someone Over 40 Told Me My Generation Sucked...

Then I Could Afford A House In The Economy They Ruined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

if hitler was chubby and sucked a lot of cock

He would be a fat-ish dick-taster.

I went on a couple of dates last week, and one of them sucked.

So I stopped seeing the other one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used my vacuum cleaner as a sex toy

It sucked ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a party where everyone was lined up to get punch. I thought about making a joke, but I just sucked their dicks instead.

I always blow the punchline.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.