Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

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A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

A pair of Amish girls visiting NYC decide to try hot dogs for the first time

They buy two hot dogs wrapped in foil from a street vendor and sit down on a nearby bench, excited to finally try this modern cuisine.

The first girl opens the foil, blushes with embarrassment, and shyly asks the second girl, "What part of the dog did you get?"

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman : I also stopped b...

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Why couldnt baby jesus be born in NYC?

Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin

Walking around NYC, and a beautiful lady stops me,

She asked me "how do you get to carnagie hall?"

I told her "with a lot of hard work and dedication, ma'mn"

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

Rednecks in NYC

A redneck and his son visit New York City for the first time. They walk into a hotel and see an elevator.

"What's that thing, pa?" the redneck kid asks.

"I got no idea junior" the redneck dad says.

Just then, the doors open and an elderly woman steps in. The doors close. A few s...

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"

Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff

It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother

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A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

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A Rabbi in NYC gets into a taxi and politely asks the driver to Midtown. Suddenly a man with a redneck with Swastika barges into the cab, slams the door and orders the driver to the airport. Furious the cab driver gets out, pulls the redneck out of the cab and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.

Meanwhile, the Rabbi is screaming Stop! Stop! Unfrazzled, the cab driver continues to beat the shit out of the redneck. A good 5 minutes goes on, the driver beating the redneck and the Rabbi pleading to stop. Finally the cab driver gets back into his taxi and asks the Rabbi "What's wrong with you? D...

I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won.

I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

A guy visits NYC for the first time and decides to go see Chinatown.

As he’s walking around, amongst all the Chinese shops he spots a bakery called “Hans Olufsen’s Bakery”. Feeling curious, he walks in. Inside he sees an all Chinese staff, with several Chinese pastries on display. Even more curious, he notices the guy who looks like the manager and talks to him:
<...

Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...

and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest g...

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

What’s the difference between Middle Earth and NYC

Two Towers

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

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[NSFW] An Alabama man visits a prostitute in NYC...

She tells him it's going to $1000 dollars for a half hour of her time. He says "Where I come from, ladies charge $100 for that!". She wouldn't budge from the price, and the man decided to pay the $1000 she was asking.

They went up to his hotel room and as soon as the door shut the man dropped...

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A NYC Ad Exec has had enough...

So he buys five acres in Oklahoma to get away from it all and starts the ranch and farming life. He's been living there alone with no other human contact for seven months. One day, this mountain of a dude comes ambling up. He says, "I'm your next door neighbor, five miles down the road. There's goi...

How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

An Indian man walks into a NYC bank

An Indian man walks into a NYC bank and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to India for some business for 2 weeks and needs to borrow $5000

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So the Indian man...

The German consulate is in NYC for a big UN meeting...

The clock hits 12:30 and the meeting breaks for lunch. Being that he's in New York, the consulate requests to go out to lunch at a local Deli. An intern is charge with taking him out. As they are sitting and eating the consulate turns to the intern and exclaims,

"I have to admit, these bagel...

On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism

To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.

A man was walking in Central Park in NYC...

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspape...

A business is at a hotel in NYC.

Ah the Big Apple! He is excited and goes down to get breakfast at the hotel restaurant before his meeting. He looks over the menu and the waiter comes after an slightly extended wait.
“I’ll have the short stack of pancakes” the business man says with interest.
“Very good” remarked the waiter....

Father Thomas, having just graduated from seminary school in Kansas, was assigned to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in NYC.

When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Reverend O'Donnell was out, and suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC to see the sights.

As he’s walking down the street, a scantily-clad young woman walks up to him and says, “$25 for a quickie, Father”. Being ...

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Farmer with goat goes to hotel in NYC

Farmer at reception asks: how much does it cost to book one king size room for a night?
Receptionist: $125
Farmer: cool!
Farmer and goat go upstairs fall a sleep.. Next day he goes to checkout..
Farmer: I would like to checkout, please
Receptionist: That would be $185 please...

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A NYC cab driver is en route to pick up a passenger at the stock exchange

On his way, he keeps door-checking stock traders as he goes by, laughing his ass off.

As he pulls up, he notices his customer is a priest, so he internally curses - he can't keep hitting stock brokers while he's got a man of God in the car with him.

They exchange pleasantries and leave...

Two Italians are sitting in the NYC subway

One says to the other, "first Emma comes, then I come, then two asses come together, then I come again, then two asses again, then I peepee, and finally I come for the last time."

An old lady looks aghast at the two men and admonished them, "you're in the subway! Behave appropriately!"
...

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So a blonde gets on a plane bound for NYC...

And sits down in the first class section. The guy whose seat she had taken, he goes up and tells the flight attendant there's someone in his seat. So the flight attendant goes over and says

"Miss, I'm going to have to ask you to go to your proper seat"

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, ...

What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours?

Tire-less

What do you do to stay cool when it’s 100 degrees in NYC?

Dress as a cop.

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A Panda Bear wins a free trip to NYC....

This Giant Panda boards his flight from China and after a long flight he arrives in New York. He decides to do some tourist stuff and go sightseeing. As he is walking down the crowded and busy streets of NYC, so many people are taking photos and selfies with him. The panda is feeling like a rocksta...

Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC

Please stop calling my new phone.

I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight

Turns out it was a bar mitzvah

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What do nazis do when they first get to NYC?

Heil a taxi

NYC's New Year's sucked.

They really dropped the ball this year.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

What is a NYC nanosecond?

If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green.

A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silv...

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

Guys I just had my first date yesterday

So there was this stunning, beautiful girl that walked past me at today, and when she gazed into my eyes, I knew it was love at first sight.

Now, I'm not a particularly handsome guy, but I've been with enough partners to know that it was time to shoot my shot, have a go at it, etc.

So,...

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Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

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A sucessful business man retires

A successful business man in NYC finally decided to retire. After years of making it big in the stock market, years of wild parties, and years of living the city life, he packs up and moves to rural Montana. He's sick of the busy city, so he picks a very remote house in a very secluded rural area. H...

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are.

While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

So, a dude hits on a girl he had a crush on for a while.

Him: Damn, girl! Are you New York City??
Her: Lol, no. Why?
Him: Cos you're looking very NYC today.

After Dating for a month:

Him: Damn, girl! Are you a newspaper?
Her: Uh, lemme guess, you think I'm the storehouse of knowledge?
Him: Nah, there's a new issue with ya every d...

Court Custody

A six-year-old boy was at the center of an NYC courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regul...

Monty Smith

Monty has five letters in his first name...
He has 5 letters in his second name...

He has lived his entire life at 555 West 55th Street
In NYC

And worked his entire career at Saks 5 Avenue

He met his wife in Fifth Grade..

He has 5 kids and owns 5 cars...

Nee...

Dave, at a job interview.

Interviewer : so where were you before coming to this city.

Dave : New York City.

Interviewer : oh wow, that's great. I am from NYC too. Go Knicks. What did you do there?

Dave : Cocaine.

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A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate...

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who are you ?

Guy: I am an NYC cab driver.

God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who are you ?

Priest ...

Smart Blond Joke

A very wealthy blond woman enters a bank in Manhattan and requests to take out a small loan, which she intends to pay off in two weeks.

She foregoes some of the paperwork for financials, instead offering her brand new Bentley as collateral.

The bank manager approves the loan, takes ...

Contributions count!

One day a NYC cabbie and a pastor reach the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter welcomes them, informs them about heaven and tells them he will escort them to their accommodations.


They walk to the cabbies place first and it's a palace, massive, with turrents and towers and 100 help...

A buddy of mine

went into a corner bar in NYC and asked for five shots of vodka.

I guess the bartender thought he was ordering them for friends or something, but after he poured them, my buddy just slammed them all in rapid succession -- BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM-BAM.

Bartender gave him a look of incredulity ...

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

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The Five-Kick Method (long)

A very famous and successful attorney from NYC was hunting ducks in the countryside. He was having a bad day in the woods as there didn't seem to be any ducks at all to be hunted. Then, all of a sudden, he saw the most beautiful, fattest duck of his life swiftly take off, so he aptly aimed and shot ...

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Moroccan jews jokes

I don't know how well these jokes will translate, but I'll give it a try... :)

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

A Moroccan jewish mom is running and screaming at the beach : Heeelp, my son, the lawyer, is drowning!

**ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

Two Moroc...

A priest is waiting at the gates of heaven

In front of him in line is an old man in well worn jeans and an equally worn leather jacket. The old man get's to the front of the line and St. Peter says "state your name and occupation please"

He says "Simon Burch, NYC taxi driver for 30 years"

St. Peter checks his list and smiles, "...

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A man decides to give up corporate life and move to cabin deep in the woods...

For a few months he lets go of the stress of the big city, chops his own fire wood, grows his own vegetables and enjoys the natural splendor of his surroundings.

Then one day he hears a knock on his cabin door and finds a huge, hairy, gristled old lumber jack standing on his porch.

"...

What fills the entire volume of its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed?

NYC subway commuters.

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