Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

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I went to the doctors because I had a lettuce stuck up me arse.

All he did was apply a dressing

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A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

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A guy goes to the doctor with a strawberry stuck up his bum

The doctor says "I have some cream for that."

What do you call cheese stuck up your nose?

A CheeseBooger

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Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his ass.

Doctor examining said wow, guy says what is it doc?

Doctor says this is only the tip of the Iceberg.

Did you hear about the cow that got stuck up in the tree?

The steaks were high.

What do you call a stuck up criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending

What do you call a woman with a toothpick stuck up her ass?

Olive

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A man goes to the doctor, “Doctor, I have a golf ball stuck up my butt”

The doctor asks, “how did that get up there?”
The man replies, “ I don’t know but it’s up a fairway”

Landlords are so stuck up

They act like they own the place.

I can’t stand stuck up bodies of water

It’s like get over yourself, Lake Superior

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What do you call a French guy with a loaf of bread stuck up his butt?

A pain in the ass.

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A guy was admitted to the emergency ward with half a dozen toy horses stuck up his ass.

His condition was listed as "stable".

Stuck up people are the worst

They always whine and cry when you are taking their money.

Did you hear about the mathematician who got his calculator stuck up his bum?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose?

One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny

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I have a lettuce stuck up my ass

But it's just the tip of the iceberg.

A woman walks into a bank

The clerk looks up at her and realizes the woman has a fifty dollar bill stuck up each ear, worried, he goes to his manager. "Oh that's Miss Henderson" the manager says, "Shes got a hundred dollars in arrears"

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What did one bloody tampon say to the other bloody tampon?

Nothing, they’re both stuck up cunts.

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What do two tampons walking down the road say to each other?

Nothing, they are both stuck up c*nts

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A man comes home from church with a black eye...

His wife asks "what happened?" He says, "honey, you wouldn't believe me if I told ya." She responds, "I'm your wife. Try me, I'll believe you." He says, "well, I was kneeling there in church, and I couldn't help but notice that the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up the crack of her ass. I f...

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Two tampons are walking down the street, which one greets the other first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

The engine on the airplane sputters to a stop

The captain comes over the intercom.
"Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination".
A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

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A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment.

The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the doctor’s office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.
So the doctor st...

*From Ian Ross, not mine* - A mum was asked 'Why is your daughter crying?'

'She has five baked beans stuck up her nose.'

'And why is your son crying?'

'He wants his lunch back.'

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An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

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Reported to Bruce Forsyths favourite.

Husband and wife are chatting over breakfast
Husband "They guys in the pub last night were talking about our randy Postman. They reckon he's had sex with every woman in our street, except one"
Wife pauses for a moment :" Probably that stuck up cow at number 27"

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What did the two tampons say to each other?

Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

I literally traded a homeless guy a cigarette for that joke. Worth it.

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Told my wife that there's a rumour going around that the mailman has slept with all the women in our street except one....

She replied, " Oh I bet it's that stuck up bitch from number 22 ".

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A menstrual pad goes to school where she got bullied by two tampons

The toilet roll walked up to her and told the menstrual pad “Don’t listen to them, They’re both stuck up cunts”

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

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A man walks into my bar with 2 black eyes

So I ask what happened? He says "well I was in church and when we all stood to sing the hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in the crack of her ass. So I decided to reach up and pull it out for her. She turned around and punched me in my right eye." So I asked "what happened to yo...

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[NSFW] A man goes to find out why his son got fired from his job at a restaurant

The owner tells him “I found him in the store room with the potato peeler stuck up his arse.”

The father says “that’s odd, can I examine the potato peeler?”

The owner replies “I’m afraid not, I had to fire him too.”

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A man comes home from work to his wife and says “have you heard the news? Apparently the milkman has slept with every woman on this street bar one!”

To which the wife replies:

“I bet it was that stuck up bitch at number 54!”

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An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubrican...

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How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

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Two men were hunting in the woods when one looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap."

The other responded, "Well go behind one of those big trees and take a crap."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper for wiping my ass."

"You have a dollar don't you?" replied the other man.

He thought for a moment and then decided, "You know, I'll give it a try!"
...

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