Why are math books always so stressed?

They have a limitless amount of problems that need to be solved.

If you're ever stressed out just punch an orphan

What are they going to do, tell their parents?

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Why was the autosexual stressed?

He was too hard on himself

When they're little, your kids should never be stressed out.

They deserve a chance to be "chill"-dren

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals.

I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

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Why were the balls stressed out standing in line?

The guy in front them was a huge dick. The guy behind them kept spouting off and being a loud asshole

Why did the eligible bachelor get stressed out every time he dated a Latin woman?

Because they are Hispanic.

What do you call a stressed Darth Vader?

Panickin Skywalker.

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

Why do fish gets stressed ?

Current events

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.

Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed?

Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided.

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3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

A Thanksgiving day tip

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did Thanksgiving go at your place?" the bartender asks. "Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she co...

Stress relief

Doctor : What do you do when you feel stressed?

Patient: I go to the temple...

Doctor : Good...and u pray there ?

Patient : No... I mix-up all shoes kept outside and watch people more stressed than me..... and my stress goes away

Stressed because you finished Avatar: The Last Airbender?

We call that Aangxiety.

I wasn’t doing great in school, I was stressed out and acting up, so the school tried this new technique on me.

It’s called a de-tension.

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The empress was stressed.

The empress was stressed. Her servant suggested that maybe she could use a little sexual relief. Agreeing to the plan she sent the servant into the city to fetch her a suitable man. The servant returned with three men.

First man stepped forward. "Beneath me," the empress scoffef.

Secon...

What's the difference between a stressed and an unstressed syllable?

Vacation.

Need barber jokes for a friend

My friend is having a rough time in barber school so i've been sending funny hairdressing jokes and memes in an attemot to keep his spirits up but i've run out. Please send more to help make a stressed student happy

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

Why was the playboy stressed?

He had a lot of thots in his mind.

I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on.

I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes.

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A guy who works in a big city has been feeling super stressed so he decides to ask for some time off in the countryside.

He goes to his boss and asks for 5 days off so he can relax and enjoy a countryside vacation, just him and his dog. His boss says that's ok, so he goes home, packs some stuff, puts his dog in the car and starts driving.

After a couple hours of driving he finds himself in one of those "endless...

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.

With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the...

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

Why was Gandalf hunched over and stressed out?

He was short-staffed.

I used to rub and tie my hair together whenever I got stressed.

Now I’m dreading the consequences.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

My mom entered my room and found me all stressed out facing my PC.

"Having trouble with your computer?" she asked.
"Yes, it seems not to find the new printer," I replied.

My mum looked round my room then replied, "I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is."

Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

Mad or stressed because it's Monday? Don't worry,

Its the last Monday for the next ~~7~~ 6 days.

Why was the computer stressed after work?

Because it had a hard drive.

A blacksmith is stressed

So he goes into his shop and starts holding a sword straight against the grindstone. His apprentice comes in and asks
"What are you doing?"

"Oh just taking the edge off"

My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"

She smiled and said, " No"

I said, "One day, one day"

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Why was the meteorologist so stressed?

The job is full of high pressure.

Santa is stressed...

Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.

But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree ...

Ah.. chemistry!

My roommate bursts into our apartment, totally stressed out from her chemistry finals.

Her: If anyone even says one more word related to Chemistry, I'm going to scream!

Me: K

Her: (goes bananas…) ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the stressed-out man say after he finished masturbating?

Well, that's a load off my mind.

I’m incredibly stressed.

I woke up aching all over.

Couldn’t even find a spot in my usual parking area.

I’ve been through a lot.

Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs?

The steaks were low.

Why was the Taiwanese business man so stressed out?

Because he had a Taipei personality.

A joke from Ukraine about cultural differences [my translation].

[edit - grammar]

In a psychological experiment, three women - Arab, French, and Ukrainian - are asked the same question: "suppose you survive a shipwreck and are stranded on an uninhabited tropical island ... with fifteen brutal, muscular, stressed-out sailors, and noone else, what would you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

My friend was stressed before a party.

"Why is my weed dealer *always* late, but my coke dealer early?" he said.

"Your coke dealer is the faster driver," I replied. "And the weed dealer is probably still laughing at the gear stick."

On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism

To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.

I'm stressed. Sometimes I identify as a tipi. Other times as a marquee.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn't worry though, I'm just being too tense.

I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

A stressed out businessman decides to have a drink on his lunch break to relax...[LONG]

And he finds this hole-in-the-wall-bar. Besides the bartender who is steadily washing glasses behind the end of the bar, he is the only one in there.

He sits at the end of the bar nearest the entrance and orders a whiskey double. The bartender says, "Here you go, pally. If you need anyth...

*Extremely Offensive* If you ever feel stressed just know that someone...somewhere...

...has parkinsons and is currently going through their crush's Instagram history

Whenever I'm feeling stressed I go to the house of mirrors...

I find it's a really great place to reflect.

If you were stressed out yesterday

Does that make you past tense?

Stressed Out

A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!' and I said 'Relax man, you're two tents!

What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress?

By opening the door.

What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss?

I literally cannot deal.

Stressed over finals? That's fine.

Just make sure your suicide note is in MLA format.

When I'm stressed I like to draw a line of trees, getting smaller as they reach the horizon

It really puts things in perspective

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