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Stressed Jokes

Why are math books always so stressed?

They have a limitless amount of problems that need to be solved.

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

Stressed Santa

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus to...

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Told my wife that I was so stressed, only a blow job would help.

She asked, where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night?

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals.

I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

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Why were the balls stressed out standing in line?

The guy in front them was a huge dick. The guy behind them kept spouting off and being a loud asshole

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

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Why was the autosexual stressed?

He was too hard on himself

Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

What do a stressed out politician and a dolphin have in common?

Neither wants to be caught in fishnets.

If corals get stressed they die.

What do corals even get stressed about?

Current events.

I'm so stressed by work, family, etc. I decided to start running every day

I think I've reached Iowa

When they're little, your kids should never be stressed out.

They deserve a chance to be "chill"-dren

Stressed because you finished Avatar: The Last Airbender?

We call that Aangxiety.

"Hey, aren't you a poetic metric characterized by a short syllable followed by a long, stressed syllable?"

"iamb"

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The empress was stressed.

The empress was stressed. Her servant suggested that maybe she could use a little sexual relief. Agreeing to the plan she sent the servant into the city to fetch her a suitable man. The servant returned with three men.

First man stepped forward. "Beneath me," the empress scoffef.

Secon...

Santa is stressed...

Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.

But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree ...

Why was the Taiwanese woman so stressed?

She had a Taipei personality

What do you call a stressed Darth Vader?

Panickin Skywalker.

Why did the eligible bachelor get stressed out every time he dated a Latin woman?

Because they are Hispanic.

A blacksmith is stressed

So he goes into his shop and starts holding a sword straight against the grindstone. His apprentice comes in and asks
"What are you doing?"

"Oh just taking the edge off"

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed?

Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided.

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

Why was the playboy stressed?

He had a lot of thots in his mind.

Stress relief

Doctor : What do you do when you feel stressed?

Patient: I go to the temple...

Doctor : Good...and u pray there ?

Patient : No... I mix-up all shoes kept outside and watch people more stressed than me..... and my stress goes away

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all

What's the difference between a stressed and an unstressed syllable?

Vacation.

Why was Gandalf hunched over and stressed out?

He was short-staffed.

Why was the computer stressed after work?

Because it had a hard drive.

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My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Stressed over finals? That's fine.

Just make sure your suicide note is in MLA format.

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Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

I wasn’t doing great in school, I was stressed out and acting up, so the school tried this new technique on me.

It’s called a de-tension.

If you're ever stressed out just punch an orphan

What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Why was the meteorologist so stressed?

The job is full of high pressure.

Stressed Out

A guy walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!' and I said 'Relax man, you're two tents!

A stressed out young attorney walks into a bar

He was texting

I used to rub and tie my hair together whenever I got stressed.

Now I’m dreading the consequences.

If you were stressed out yesterday

Does that make you past tense?

I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on.

I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes.

Why wasn't the rancher stressed when his cows had really short legs?

The steaks were low.

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

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What did the stressed-out man say after he finished masturbating?

Well, that's a load off my mind.

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

What did the stressed-out casino worker say to their boss?

I literally cannot deal.

Whenever I'm feeling stressed I go to the house of mirrors...

I find it's a really great place to reflect.

What is the easiest way for a stressed astronaut to unwind and decompress?

By opening the door.

*Extremely Offensive* If you ever feel stressed just know that someone...somewhere...

...has parkinsons and is currently going through their crush's Instagram history

I told my doctor I was getting really stressed out about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

A stressed out businessman decides to have a drink on his lunch break to relax...[LONG]

And he finds this hole-in-the-wall-bar. Besides the bartender who is steadily washing glasses behind the end of the bar, he is the only one in there.

He sits at the end of the bar nearest the entrance and orders a whiskey double. The bartender says, "Here you go, pally. If you need anyth...

I don't understand why women get so angry and stressed on their period.

It's such an ovary action

I'm stressed. Sometimes I identify as a tipi. Other times as a marquee.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn't worry though, I'm just being too tense.

My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.

Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

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