UPJOKE
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People are going crazy from being in isolation!

Actually, I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting co...

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

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Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mas...

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

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Day 365 without sex in isolation and self quarantine:

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

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The boredom of self isolation. Day (9)

Did you know that if you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a naked flame to the base, it eventually gets sucked in?

If you did know this, and you know how to get it out, please message me ...............Urgently.

Prince Charles is in isolation with Covid - 19

His brother Andrew is in isolation with Bethany - 14

The self isolation is keeping families united

My dad finally returned home with the milk

I know a lot of people find self-isolation hard, but I can honestly say...

I've never felt more at home.

(Credit: Celia Pacquola)

I've spent my isolation reading the thesaurus.

Because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

This self isolation is so bad,I've been crushing on my room mate

and we've been married twenty years!

I was going to make a joke about isolation during a pandemic, but..

You might not get it.

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.



Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite...

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Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

Social isolation party at your house tonight!

And yours! And yours, and yours, and yours...

I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect.

Now I am in Quran-tine.

Been in self-isolation for the last week. Don't think it worked.

Starting to feel a bit batty

During this covid self isolation I went outside for a brief moment, the door closed behind, and I didn't have my house keys with me. So l called a locksmith for help...

... when he arrived, i asked, "you sure you should be out during l this lockdown?"


He replied, "it's okay, I'm a key worker".

First Rule of Corona Flu self-isolation

If you can't reach it from the couch

You don't need it.

After 50 years of failed embargoes and isolation the US has recently unleashed its most obnoxious weapon on Cuba to date…

The American tourist!

Day (8) of Isolation. I can't find my reading glasses, so opening food tins has now become a bit of a Lottery.

Today's lunch was Custard on Toast.

Isolation can be a serious problem for astronauts, I'm sure modern medicine has an effective treatment for these problems.

Just give the astronauts a capsule.

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A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation.

They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So ...

It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;

otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation

Wrote my 2022 New Years Day Goals

My top goal this year. Stay negative everyday.

If I don't, 5-10 day isolation for being positive.

It's kinda harsh but it will be very contagious and catchy.

You might say, It'll go viral.

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

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A female gorilla is alone in a cage at the zoo...

... She has become very cranky due to her isolation and has become increasingly aggressive. Her problematic behavior has become a concern of the zookeeper who decides to try to fix it. While trying to come up with a solution he notices the janitor, a very sleazy redneck type and gets an idea. He wal...

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A man visits a Doctor

He says "doctor my maid has tested positive for corona virus"

Doctor says "ok she would now have to go in
isolation"

"But sir, I had kissed her"

"No problem, all make mistakes in youth. You are also going in isolation"

"But then I kissed my wife too"

"You crazy...

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.

Husband is now in isolation.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under th...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

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The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To practice self isolation.

Tom Hanks and his wife Rita have tested positive for COVID-19.

It's not the first time he's been in isolation with a Wilson.

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A guy moves to Alaska to get away from it all.....

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt.

"I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and ...

Small talk

The year is 2097. In the midst of a nuclear war, two babies are sent from Earth in a pod to an empty SpaceX bunker on Mars in the hopes they will survive and continue the human race.

After years in isolation and with packaged food becoming scarce, the young humans decided to venture out onto ...

The World Health Organization has asked photographers to lower their exposure while out doing their jobs…

I guess ISOlation is the name of the game.

During quarantine - Lonely at home

I am lonely at home quarantined:

Day 1. Oh, that's nice.

Day 3. I read books and rest.

Day 5. I bingwatched "Friends".

Day 7. I talked to the washing machine, but I had worse days.

Day 9. My washing machine is angry. I never had worse days.

Day 11. I'm fine…...

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