Why did the Astronomer bring a slab of ribs into the bathroom?

He wanted to witness a meatier shower.

NSFW Why do lepers make the best ribs?

Because its fall off the bones good.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

The last time I played tackle football without pads l broke three ribs and a collar bone.

Fortunately, none of them were mine.

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

They say the best way to a mans heart

They say the best way to a mans heart is through his stomach. I don’t know whoever “They” are but “they” know nothing about anatomy. I find the best way to a mans heart is with a quick jab up and under the ribs.

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think ...

What do you call a bunch of people in line for smoked ribs and brisket?

A Bar-B-Queue.

The mugger

One night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this- I’m a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY mo...

What's a skeletons favorite snack?

Spare ribs.

A guy asks his friend to rub some beef fat on his ribs

His friend refuses saying he won’t assist in a suet side!

(My first OC post, thought up while cooking dinner. Improvement suggestions welcome)

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Yesterday at the office, I broke 6 ribs...

That asshole had it coming

State Fair

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'





My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and s...

Ribbed condoms are misleading

They don’t even taste like ribs

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and say "You're next! You're next!"

They stopped when I started doing the same at funerals.

What did the old lady and the rack of ribs have in common?

They were both used to dry rubs!

I’m anorexic but I’m very curvy...

You can see each of my ribs individually.

I tried cooking Chinese spare ribs in the oven instead of the pan.

I'll tell you it was a walk in the park compared to the pork in the wok.

How do nymphomaniacs like their barbecue ribs?

Bonin'.

My wife cooked ribs last night.

I accidentally dropped one on the floor, but still picked it up and took a bite.

She yelled, "that's disgusting!"

I replied, "well, you're the one that cooked it!"

What did the skeleton order for dinner?

The spare ribs.

Vegan ribs are actually delicious!

The hardest part is hunting down the vegan.

Rib jokes?

My mom just broke one of her ribs shoveling snow. (Really mom? You're 60 years old, with a snowblower, with a husband who was literally 10 minutes away from coming home) Anyway, does anyone have any good jokes involving ribs? I know the Adam/Eve ones...any others?

Why did the skeleton go to the supermarket?

To get SPARE RIBS!

Happy Halloween to all the dad joke lovers out there!

Adam and Eve

Eve: "Adam are you seeing someone else?"

Adam: "No, you're the only woman on earth!"

Adam: "Now what are you doing?"

Eve: "Counting your ribs."

What did the perverted sauce say to the Chinese Ribs?

.. I'm only Peking.

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul

"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten aga...

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Four friends meet for their morning tee time,

they step onto the first tee box and rip their drives down the middle. As they are walking towards their balls the 1st Golfer says, "You guys don't realize how much this round of golf is costing me! I've had to let my mother-in-law stay over for a month!"
The 2nd Golfer says, "I've had to buy my...

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There is always one thing stopping me from getting a good blowjob

My ribs

The oldest profession...

Three professionals, a Doctor, a Lawyer and a Civil Servant, were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The Doctor reminded his colleagues of the Bible, wherein it is stated that God took one of Adam's ribs to create Eve. That was a medical procedure, and so medicine is clearly the o...

Heres one my father likes to tell

A patient is being looked over by his doctor regarding a strange series of pains.



Patient: "...this pain just doesnt make any sense doc...."
Doctor: " hm.. well why dont you go ahead and point to where it hurts."
Patient: "Well thats the thing- look!"

the patient puts...

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

A mathematician tried the Atkin diet.

After nearly starving to death, he won a Nobel prize by generalizing it to ribs.

"Doctor, it hurts when I touch here..."

...\[touches shoulder\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches ribs\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches hip\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches chin\]

and it hurts when I touch here- \[touches knee\]







Doctor: it looks like ...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

I'm currently on a restaurant date with a female boxer.

She's going for the ribs.

I might try a duck.

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Some guy knocked on my door wanting to tell me the great news about our Lord.

I said "fuck off, i dont beleave in of that shit."


As I tried to close the door in his face, he grabbed my arm and twisted it up my back slamming my face into the wall, then with a single rabbit punch broke 3 of my ribs, he then kung fu kicked my leg shattering the bone in three places.<...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

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Not fucked yet.

Once upon a time there was a young man hiking through the woods. As he was gaily skipping through a path he suddenly started to hear footsteps approaching. The footsteps came closer until the trees finally disclosed a group of twenty natives with spears carrying a fat man and his fat kid on a throne...

A man walks into the doctors.

He says dr it hurts when I touch here
And touches his arm
It also hurts here
And touches his ribs
and here
And touches his back
It hurts here too
And touches his calf
It hurts here
And touches his elbow
and here
And touches his head
It even hurts here ...

Jesus is hanging on the cross...

He sees Judas in the crowd and calls for him. Judas hears and walks toward Jesus. The guards tell Judas he cannot pass, so he walks back into the crowd. Moments later Jesus calls for him again, so Judas tries to push his way through the guards. They beat him and push him back into the crowd. Moments...

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There once was a young man named Tibbs

Who made all the ladies cry 'Dibs!'
He didn't have money
And wasn't that funny
but his cock was so big it had ribs.

I used to hate going to weddings

Remember when you’d go to a wedding and all the old dears and grannies would come up to you - they’d start poking you in the ribs with their pointy fingers and say ‘you’re next, you’re next’ with a big grin on their face...

Well I put an end to all of that - I started doing the same thing bac...

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Dennis & Dean

Dennis: "How many legs has a rooster got, Dean?"
Dean: "Two?"
Dennis: "Correct. How many ribs has a cat got?"
Dean: "I've got no idea."
Dennis: "So... You know all about cocks and nothing about pussy."

The best way to a man's heart...

...is to go underneath the ribs.

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

A German, a Hungarian and an Italian are captured by the Soviets on the Eastern Front...

The three men were held together in a tiny prison cell to await their fate. On the first day the guard came in and called to the German, "Come with me German, let's see what you know."

An hour later the German came back all bruised up. "They tortured me into telling them what I knew about the...

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A woman and her husband go to a cow farm

They learn about how beef is made, milk cheese and ice cream are produced, and how organic cows taste way better than factory farmed ones.

When their tour guide lets them looks at the calves, the women asks:

"How many calves can a bull have?"

The tour guide says "See that bull o...

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