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Confesses Jokes

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A girl confesses at a Church...

Girl : "Forgive me father, I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a priest to confess.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned" says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?" the priest asks him.

“Well, my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, father, it was getting cloudy and it looked like it ...

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.
The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to hav...

On her death bed, the Sheriff's wife confesses that she cheated on him three times, but swears it was always for a good reason. He asks what happened,

and she says, "Well, the first time, remember when Dr. Smith said he we couldn't afford the operation, and then he changed his mind and did it for free?" He says yes, and forgives her. "And the second time, do you remember when our boy got a DUI, and the judge let him off with probation?" He says ye...

Little Joey Confesses

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

A husband in the hospital is on his deathbed. He confesses to his wife...

Darling, my life is slipping away I want you to know that I've been unfaithful to you with 3 other women.

His wife holds his hand comfortingly and whispers, I Know. That's why I poisoned you.

A teenager confesses to her mother

T: "I have decided to run away and elope with Marty the mail man"

M: "Oh, but honey he could be your father"

T: "I don't care, he loves me, age is just a number"

M: "Oh no, deary, I didn't mean it that way..."

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Sex with the priest's wife

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees.
After mass, Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to k...

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Two girls are speaking and one tearfully confesses:

\- Oh, Jane, I've a problem: I've never been eaten because my pussy smells a lot like onion.

\- I think you're in luck: I have a friend, Tony, who can't smell absolutely anything. And seeing how beautiful you are, I'm sure you will get along well.

The girl calls the boy, they meet to g...

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

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Harry Potter confesses something to Ron...

Harry: "I've been having relations with a teacher."
Ron: "Are you fucking serious?!"
Harry: "No, I'm fucking Snape."

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...

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A guy confesses to his psychiatrist that he's having trouble at work...

"What sort of trouble?" asks the shrink.

"I work in the production line at a pickle factory, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but lately I've been fantasizing about putting my penis into the pickle-slicer."

"My God, man!" the shrink exclaims. "You can't do that!"

"I know...

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law.

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened."

His friend responds" Well if it has happened only once, maybe...

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After graduating from college, a woman comes home and confesses to her father, "After four years of college, I ain't a virgin anymore."

"I'm very disappointed in you," says the father. "Ever since you were just a little one, you were very bright. You got amazing grades in school, and you were actually the first member of our rural family to get accepted into college. To afford it, I had to get a second mortgage on the farm and sell ...

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A man confesses his sins to a priest...

He says “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I was skiing down the slopes on my recent trip to Austria.

Upon my return to the top of the slope I noticed my boss from work. I was wearing my ski mask and a balaclava so he would not have recognised me.

As he was leaning down to fix hi...

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a church

and goes in the confessional. The priest follows him.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery.” he says.

“Dear heavens my child. I must ask, what happened? ” the priest answers.

“You see father, last week my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s house fo...

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an irish girl confesses shes a prostitute to her father

at first he gets stupid angry starts yelling at her, how could she betray him, calls her all kinds of names including soup taker. She looks confused at this and asks her father to accompany her to confession. Her dad stares at her for a moment and then he hugs her, crying tears of relief. The he say...

A young man goes into a confessional booth and confesses to the priest that he used the Lord's name in vain.

"Tell me what happened my child, so we may begin the path of forgiveness." Said the priest behind the curtain.

"I was golfing," began the man. "And my first shot went deep into the rough."

"Ah, and that is where you misused the Lord's name is it?" Replied the priest.

"No father,...

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