UPJOKE
defensedefencenegationrejectionassertiondenyguiltself-denialself-abnegationdeathpsychoanalysisacknowledgmentaccusationharassmentassertions

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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What would be the female equivalent of No Nut November?

Get your alliteration skills on people. So far I've come up with Dildo Denial December or Forbidden Fingering February,

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

Denial is like fickleness

No it's not

Your right, it's not.

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Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Saturday, Sunday

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I hosted a party for people into orgasm denial

No one came.

When it comes to climate change

Denial ain't just a dry patch of sand in Egypt

My buddy told me he has a girlfriend in every state!

1 in a state of denial, 1 in a state of regret, 1 in a state of remorse...

People in COVID-19 Denial

A Referee shouting 'QUIET PLEASE' during a Tennis match without audience

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David gathers his orthodox family in the living room to break some big news….

“Father, mother, siblings, please sit down. Despite what I’m about to tell you, I want you to know that I am still the same person that you know and love. I’ve kept this part of me away from you for too long, and I don’t want to hide this anymore. And more than anything, I hope you will accept me fo...

my wife tried to tell me that I'm in denial...

So I told her to go back to school and learn geography because I'm standing nowhere near a river in Egypt

I know a guy who takes denial to the next level.

He doesn't believe in stairs.

My friend told me the captain of the Ever Given is in denial.

I replied "No, he's in the Suez"

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance ...

The 5 stages of buying petrol.

"Denial isn't just a river in Brazil."

"That's the Amazon."

"No, I refuse to believe that."

What do you say when someone is in denial about the laws of refractions?

Snell's like teen spirit

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

How many people in denial does it take to change a lightbulb ?

There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb.

My wife left me because she believes I live in constant denial

Tonight we'll have a romantic dinner celebrating our 5th year anniversary

There’s no E in denial

And no I in Elleterate

What did the Egyptian say when he fell out of his boat?

I'm in denial

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

My friends think I'm in denial about my depression.

But what's so great about being happy and wanting to live?

My friends say im in denial

I dont know what theyre talking about.

My girlfriend asked me if we could explore her denial kink more.

I said no.

Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?

She was the queen of denial

My roommate seemed like he was in denial when I told him I spilled all his protein powder...

...he just kept saying "no whey, no whey"

On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,

Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:

“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt.

....and he's still in denial.

What do you call someone who jumped off a pyramid?

In denial

What do you call someone who jumped off the Eiffel Tower?

Inseine

Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.

“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.

“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other f...

This year’s Tease & Denial Convention will be held virtually

Attendees will be told not to come

How to get laid in five easy steps!

1 - Denial

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

People tell me there are lots of rivers in Africa. They're wrong, there's only one.

Denial.

My girlfriend said being with me is like being on a diet.

I was touched at first and told her that I feel like being with her is a continual journey of self-improvement and striving to get to a better place too.

I felt a little worse after she explained that she only meant it in the sense that being with me is a perpetual struggle of self-denial mo...

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

How do you call an alcoholic that doesnt admit the addiction?

Jack Denials

So there's only one state with no confirmed coronavirus infections, do you know which one it is?

The state of denial

My friend and I took a trip to Egypt. While we were sightseeing, he slipped and fell into a river. I told him he needs to get out as soon as possible but he refused to acknowledge his predicament.

He was in denial.

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Two guys go to the river Nile

1: "Yo bro, lets cool off in the river"

2: "Hmm nah dude im good"

1: "Awh come on man, you aren't scared of a little water are you?"

2: "Um n-no, im not, alright lets do it"

So they both swim out into the river, but the 2nd man starts to struggle and thrash around
...

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3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

In what part of Egypt do people tell lies?

Denial River

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

Cleopatra fell out of her boat but wouldn’t admit she was wet.

She was in denial.

They need to move China to Egypt ...

... because they are in a deep state of denial.

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me.

He was in denial.

Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies

"Ya right, mon, you in denial"

Cynthia Wong is giving birth at her local hospital...

...that her and her husband Vincent helped to build with their generous donations over the past few years. After a brief hello with his new mom, the newborn boy is taken off to the maternity ward.

After a while, the dad takes a stroll over to the ward to see his new son through the glass, but...

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The lion is having a party

and invites all animals, but the frog.
The frog, wanting to join the party badly, asks several animals if they could smuggle him to the party. After a dozen denials he goes to the silly bear, who agrees to put the frog in his chest pocket.

The day of the party comes and everybody is havin...

My Grandma thought moving into house boat on an African river would solve all her money problems.

She's living in denial.

There is no “I”

In denial.

Teenager: I Think I'm pregnant mom.

Mom: No you're not

Teenager: I believe I'm pregnant!

Mom: I said you're not!

Teenager: I'M PREGNANT! WHY ARE YOU IN DENIAL? I'M PREGNANT! PREGNAAAANT!

MOM: SHUT UP SON! You're not!

A ship is navigating along the Mediterranean coastline through some thick fog...

One of the crew members approaches the captain. "Sir I think we made a wrong turn and were heading downriver though Egypt."

"Egypt?" The captain ponders over his charts for a moment before shaking his head "No no, I think were definitely on course"

The crew member shrugs and returns to...

The Egyptian Boatmaker

Have you heard about the Egyptian boatmaker? For as long as he can remember, he has been wanting to make boats for a living.
But despite practicing his craft his entire life, he was always ridiculed for his work. Because no matter how hard he tried, his boats were not able to float for more than ...

An old Egyptian pharaoh drowned himself when he learned the new, younger pharaoh was taking over...

He was in denial.

What's a TV show hacker's favorite kind of cyber attack?

A DDOL - Direct Denial of Logic

What's perfectly round and fits into round holes perfectly well?

A square peg in denial.

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Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish commu...

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The traveling salesman and the farmer's wife

Now Jim was traveling the back woods of Iowa, looking for someone needing a vacuum. Now late that afternoon, as is want to happen, his car broke down, leaving him stranded. Now, luckily Farmer Jones came along on his old John Deere, and Jim explained what had happened. Of course they both realize...

The 5 stages of Election Day

The 5 stages of presidential election ending.
1) Denial(while results are being tallied) - this isn't happening. No this can't be.

2) Anger (after the results are in) - the words described are not repeatable and may not be suitable for young children.

3) Bargaining (a few hours a...

I asked my brother if he has a fetish for rivers...

He's in denial.

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

---

>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

Why didn't the Egyptian woman think she was pretty?

Because she was in denial.

I can't believe that Fisherman told me there were no rivers in Africa

He was clearly in denial

What was moses feeling when his mum put him in a basket on a river?

He was in denial

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The 5 stages of grief

Denial - You can't fuck with me!

Anger - Don't you dare fuck with me!!

Bargaining - How bout I fuck you instead!

Depression - I'm going to get fucked aren't I?

Acceptance - Choke me daddy

Breaking news! Due to heavy storms, all the rivers in Egypt are flooding.

The citizens of Cairo are still in denial

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A man discovers some weird fuchsia spots on his penis

after returning from a pleasure trip to Xinjiang. So he sees his doctor, who has no clue what it is and sends the guy to his medical school mentor. The old mentor pages through some of his dusty books and finally identifies the disorder as a rare, China-specific venereal disease, the only cure for w...

Fishy tales

Why couldn't the Egyptian fisherman get over the fact that his boat had sunk?

Because he was stuck in denial.

A little doctor joke

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm in a large African river!

Doctor: Ah, you must be in denial.

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