Stalking....

When two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer.

I saw it through my telescope last night.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stalking a baby?

Apparently his doctor told him he needed to watch what he eats.

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

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Two hunters are stalking through the forest...

...when one says to the other that he has to take a dump.
''Well, go in the bushes.''
''What should I use to wipe my ass?''
''Use a dollar bill.''
A few minutes later the hunter steps out of the bushes with shit all over his hands.
“What happened?” asks his friend.
''I didn't have...

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A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a sexy woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently then says:

"Are you game?" "I sure am," she purrs. So he shoots her.

What did the lettuce say to the celery?

‘Are you stalking me?’

What's so bad about stalking?

How else do we get corn?

My neighbour is stalking me.

I saw him checking my FB profile through my binoculars.

My neighbor accused me of stalking her.

If you ask me, that's a pretty bold allegation for someone without a single book about law on the shelf.

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A fox got lost in the jungle.

A fox got lost in the jungle.

The fox noticed that a leopard stalking it. The fox grabbed the bone from the ground, turned his back to the Leopard and just as the leopard was attacking,
the fox spat the bone out of his mouth and said: "Agh, it was a bad-tasting leopard I just killed."...

What's the difference between waiting for a woman to get out of work and stalking?

I'm not sure either but I think Judge Kaplan is going to tell me on Monday.

My girlfriend just got mad and accused me of stalking her.

Well, she's not actually my girlfriend yet.

Ladies and Gentlemen, when it comes to stalking,

I’m 100% behind you.

You know what's my favorite part of my stalking support group?

You never have to introduce yourself.

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

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My crush told me someone was stalking her when she was walking home.

I instantly called her on her bullshit because nobody else was following her when I followed her home.

Following someone around is typically defined as "stalking"

At my university, it's defined as "finding a parking space"

A man and the person who is stalking him visit the big city....

While the stalker is calm, the other person is panicking. "I think we're lost!" They yell.

The stalker sighs and says, "Don't worry. I know this place like the back of your hand."

What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?

"Have you bean stalking me?"

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered:

'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

What do you call love without evidence?

Stalking

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

Iowa

I was going to tell you a joke about Iowa but I thought it would be too corny;

Plus I doubt you’d *EAR* me anyway.





Q:Wanna know why most creeps live in Iowa?

A: Because they’re always stalking around


(These are all original jokes)

In college, I took a year to study abroad.

It was fun until I got caught...
Apparently it's called "stalking"

2 men go hunting in the bush

As they were stalking an elk, a snake bit the first man. The second man freaked out and shot the snake. He then proceeded to call 000.

"000, what's your emergency?"

"Help! A snake bit my friend and I think he's dead!"

"Ok, we need to be sure if he's dead. Can you do that for me?...

I have an insane crush on my old manager and just want to tell him.

If you're reading this Seth please check the subreddit and stop stalking my account here.

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

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There’s this fly.....

There’s a fly hovering six inches above the surface of the water.
A fish below the fly says to himself “if that fly drops six inches, I can leap up and catch the fly for dinner.”
There’s a bear on the bank of the water.
The bear says “if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to go...

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My crush asked me to prom

-ise I would fuck off and stop stalking her

Not stupid joke at all involves no puns.........

There was a bamboo stalk and a corn stalk who lived in the same neighborhood. The corn didn't really know the bamboo but the bamboo liked to watch the corn and sometimes follow him. The bamboo sometimes said "Sup my HUSKY bro". One day the corn turns around and yells at the bamboo, "STOP STALKING M...

People are always telling me to follow my dream.

But when you've been arrested for stalking and need bail money, they're nowhere to be found.

Dont Drink and Drive

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy
bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.
T...

My ex made this Facebook status about how she feels like someone is watching her...

...but I’ve been following her around all week and I can guarantee no one is stalking her.

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