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Sprung Jokes

H. Clinton and D. Trump are In a boat and the boat sprung a leak. Who is saved?

The world

A man was standing on the corner when an old van from the 1980's drove by ...

... it had a long whip antenna attached to its side. Tragically however the clasp holding to the van at the end closest to the rear doors broke off just as the van was rounding the corner. The whip antenna sprung free and nicked the man's arm. He didn't think much of it at the time, but later h...

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

I lost my watch at a club last night. I thought I would never find it, but I decided to try.Sure enough I found it, but there was a dude standing on it.

The worst part was, he was being very handsy with this women. When she made it very clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. That's when I sprung into action and knocked him out. Because you don't hit a women. Not on my watch.!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

Some shallots were hired to break some scallions out of Alcatraz...

But when the job was done and they were back on the boat, the realized that they had also sprung a leek by mistake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiske...

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..

"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.

"It may be time to take away her life support."

Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt uprigh...

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

Curiosity

I walk past a mental Asylum every day and yesterday as I neared I could hear them chanting "Seven..Seven..Seven." This continued as I walked along the wooden fence and I found myself looking for a gap to see what was going on. About 100m down the fence i spotted a hole where the knot had fallen out ...

Two old trees were arguing in the forrest

What, pondered they, was identity of a sapling newly sprung up a few years prior.

"It's the son of a beech!" Said one.

"It's the son of a birch!" Replied the other.

They decided to settle the score by asking a passing woodpecker.

After giving the young tree a quick once o...

The Four Witch Covens

There were once four powerful witch covens: the witches of the mountains, the deserts, the forests, and the seas. For a thousand years they made war with one another, casting curses and hexes and bringing all manner of malady to the land in their hatred for one another. One day, they decided the onl...

Two wires at sea

Two wires were on an ocean cruise when the ship sprung a leak and sank. The solid core wire managed to climb into a lifeboat and head to safety.

The other was stranded.

An illuminated joke

A physicist and an engineer were roommates in college. One night a fire broke out in their apartment. The engineer woke up first and saw the fire. He remembered the fire extinguisher in every unit, grabbed it and pulled the pin, as instructed, and sprayed the fire with the sodium bicarbonate contain...

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Man's sex life

When God created the earth, he gathered all the creatures around him before setting them out onto the firmament. He told the gathered assembly that he was granting each species 20 years of sex.

Man was horrified. Disappointed, he stood up and simply said, "Thank you Lord," before sitting back...

I was drinking my favorite liquor the other night...

...while sitting in front of my fireplace. I was feeling a pretty good buzz when all of a sudden I began to hallucinate, and out from the top of the fireplace sprung the disembodied head of Jane Fonda! Normally I would find this odd, but you know what they say:

Absinthe makes the hearth grow ...

The doctor and the plumber

A wealthy doctor finds that his bathroom sink has sprung a leak. So he looks in the Yellow Pages and calls in a plumber to repair the pipe.

The plumber arrives and, after about 15 minutes, fixes the problem completely. He hands the doctor a bill for $250 and begins to walk back to his truck. ...

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3 Mice and their bravado (NSFW - words used)

3 Mice are sitting at the bar, smashing a few cold ones back...

The first Mouse, wanting to showcase his toughness tells the other two of how a RAT trap sprung on him, but instead of keeling over and dying he lifted the bar off of himself and feasted on the cheese with no problems whatsoever...

Johnny and Tina were sitting in sunday school..

When Tina started to fall asleep in the front row. The nun sees this and calls out "Tina! Who created our earth world and hears our prayers?" Johnny quickly poked Tina in the back with a ruler and she sprung up and yelled "OH MY GOD!" The nun gave a suprised look and said "oh... I guess you were pay...

My dog drank gasoline

This is one my dad sprung on me when I was a kid. For this one, you've got to tell it completely deadpan. Like, this is totally serious, otherwise it won't work. Tried this out a couple of months ago at the lunch table at work. Had them the whole time until the punchline...they were horrified. When ...

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cr...

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A Californian, an Oregonian and a Washingtonian all head out on a fishing trip...

It's a beautiful day in the Cascades of Oregon and all three men are enjoying themselves - although a fervent discussion about which state is the superior state has sprung up, initiated by the Californian who won't shut up about, well, everything that California is better at. At noon, they stop by...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

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The Fly at the Lake

There was once a fly buzzing around a lake.

"If I come down three more inches," he said buzzing around sporadically, "I can finally get me a drink of water."

Just beneath the surface was a fish watching the fly buzz around.

"If that fly comes down three more inches," he said wit...

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The priest and the horse.

In a small village there lived a poor farmer whose work horse had just died. Without a means of pulling wagons and plows and no money to buy a new horse, the farmer just sat down by the side of the road, crying and wondering how he would feed his family now.

Then along came a priest and wonde...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

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Rooty the Rooster [NSFW]

Farmer John found himself in a bit of a rut. His crops weren't yelding like they use to, cattle prices had hit an all time low, and he was really strapped for cash. After discussing it with Mrs. Farmer John, they decided to salvage what they had, sell the farm, and move to greener pastures. He kisse...

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