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Three tourists are hiking through a massive jungle when suddenly a group of tribesmen pounce on them.

The tourists are surrounded by the tribe who all wield spears or clubs.

The tribe leader comes forth to them and says:
"We have caught you trespassing on our land. You'll be killed but it is tradition in our tribe to give you one final wish which we will fulfill to our greatest extent."...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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If the fly would only drop six inches

Once upon a time there was a fish swimming in a river when it sees a huge fly above the water. The fish thinks to itself, "Man, if that fly would just drop six inches I could jump up and get a meal!"

Well on the bank of the river is a bear. The bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks t...

I was about to walk into a bar when, suddenly, a blonde, a chicken, and a Rabbi pounced.

Looks like the joke's on me.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

Three explorers are captured by natives

All 3 are tied up and displayed in the middle of the village. The leader of the natives approaches them.

"You are trespassers and must be punished. You must choose between death and ooga-booga." The explorers learn that "ooga-booga" is forced sodomy.

"I am too young to die!" the fir...

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

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An old Georgian toast...

A little bird was flying to her nest through an ice storm. Her wings got wet and heavy eventually she could no longer flap them, exhausted she fell onto a frozen ground after a few tries to fly she gave up and was about to freeze from the cold when a passing cow dropped a cow pie right on top of her...

A zoo’s only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.

In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion’s enclosure, taunting the animal below. ...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

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There is a fly.... (medium)

Hovering near the surface of a mountain lake. Over on the shore sits a frog. The frog says “If the fly drops four inches, I can eat him.”

Just below the surface of the lake is a fish. The fish sees the frog and says “If the fly drops for inches, the frog can get the fly, and I can get the fro...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...

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A rooster and cat got into a fight...

...on a bridge. The cat pounced and the rooster ducked resulting in her falling into the river. The rooster rushed to save the cat. Why?

Because a cock loves a wet pussy.

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When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...

Incompetent Zoo keeper

Dave the young novice Zoo keeper is on his first day of work. He is in the aquatic room, changing a fluorescent tube. One end drops in the tropical fish tank and it instantly electrocutes all the fish. They all float to the surface. He knows if the boss spots this, he'll be instantly fired. He takes...

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An old hillbilly has a beautiful young bride.

One day a salesman comes to his door selling rabbits. "That's a mighty fine looking rabbit you have there," says the old man. "How much do you want for it?"

"This one sells for 20 bucks," says the salesman.

"That's mighty expensive for a rabbit," says the hillbilly. "Tell you what, my ...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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There was a fly above a river

A fish sees the fly and thinks "If it comes down about 3 inches lower I can jump up and eat it". A bear sees the fly and the fish and thinks "if the that fly goes a few more inches lower, the fish will jump to get it and I can snag the fish in the air". A hunter who's been tracking the bear for some...

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

How do cats measure the gracefulness of their leaps?

In fluid pounces!

(just came up with this at work, so hopefully this is a new joke to everyone!)

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

The male owner of a business is interviewing a young woman just about to graduate from an all-women’s college.

She was very excited about her interview but wanted to make sure that this business was progressive when it came to women in the workplace. It seemed like every company she interviewed at were run by horrible misogynists. When it came to the part of the interview when he asked her if she had any que...

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A hunting tale

There’s a fly flying above a stream and there’s a fish watching the fly and it’s thinking “if that fly drops 6 inches I’m gonna have a great meal.” Meanwhile, there’s a bear on the bank watching the fish thinking, “if that fly drops 6 inches that fish is gonna get the fly and I’m gonna have a great ...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

What it doesn’t notice is that nearby a fish is watching thinking “If that fly drops six inches in going to have myself a nice meal”.
What the fish doesn’t notice is that behind him there’s a bear watching, he’s thinking “If that fly drops six inches that fish is going to attack the fly, I’m goin...

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A gorilla dies at the Zoo...

Just before the zoo opens. It's the only gorilla that that the zoo can afford, and it was by a large margin, the zoo's most popular attraction, so the owner goes to the former gorilla keeper and offers him an extra $300 every day if he'll put on a gorilla suit, go in the gorilla exhibit, and pretend...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

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When the fly drops 4 inches

Picture a mountain stream and there is bear that is trying to catch a fish and there is a fly that is buzzing over the stream.

The fish inside the stream is looking up at the fly, and is thinking if this fly would just drop 4 inches then I could jump out of the water and have a snack.
...

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Two men visit a local pub known for serving animal hunters

They go in, sit down and order a drink.

While they are talking, one of them notices a frail, old man sitting alone in a corner. After a moment, he suddenly recognizes the man and nudges his friend.

"Hey, isn't that Tom Stevenson?" Says the man.

His friend looks in the direction ...

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Smart Dachshund

An rich old lady decides to go on safari in Africa, along with her little pet dachshund, Frankie.
They set up camp and it isn't long before Frankie begins to explore his new surroundings.
Suddenly he finds himself far from the camp and feels eyes on him. Up in a tree is a large jaguar, ready...

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A fly is hovering six inches above a lake.

Under the water, a fish is sizing up the fly. "If that fly would just drop six inches, I could eat it," it thinks.
On the shore of the lake, a bear is eyeing the fish. "If that fly drops six inches, the fish will go for it, and I can catch the fish while it's distracted."
On top of a nearby hi...

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Shut Up

A young bluebird was flying from tree to tree in the brisk autumn air when he heard his parents call. Upon arriving back to the nest they tell the young avian to prepare for the trip south.

The little bluebird stubbornly inquires why, to which papa bluebird replies with details of heavy and c...

The year is 2135, and the US and Russia are the only 2 remaining nations.

After a century of warfare, the two nations expanded their borders, annexing an country that stood in it's way.

Both nations, hungering for world domination, have been at war with each other for over 20 years, and have decided that the fighting would never end, as the two were so closely matc...

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(Long)(Dirty) A fly was hovering 6 inches above a stream...

Below that stream was a fish. He watched thay fly intently, saying 'if that fly dropped about 6 inches, I could swim up and have some lunch.'

On the bank of the stream was a bear. He sees the fish is distracted and says to himself, 'if that fly drops about 6 inches, that fish will jump up, a...

Donald Trump is leaving the White surrounded by his secret service agents when an assassin with a gun approaches.

A young agent sees the approaching assassin and shouts "Mickey Mouse". Startled by this comment the would be assassin hesitates and is pounced on by the other agents.

Later that day during the debrief the Head of the Secret Service asks the young agent just what in the hell he was playing at...

A mime performed at a zoo.

The hours were flexible, and people paid him to act. He figured it was a good gig, so he went along with it. He did it for weeks and weeks, until one day the manager pull him inside. The mime was a bit worried, but he shrugged it off. The manager, looking panicked, said that, recently, the zoo's gre...

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Moral of the story

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly."

Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then...

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Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida...

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.

"Hello, sir." she said "Do you like movies?"

"Yes, I do." he responded, then returned to his book.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like g...

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A lost poodle wanders through a forest

On the first day of an African safari trip, a woman gets distracted and her poodle wanders off into a forest. As the dog trots through the forest, it realizes it is lost and starts to panic.

While the poodle frantically runs around trying to find it's way back, a lion sees it and decides to ...

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A guy walks into a Urologist's office

"So what seems to be the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I have this very young, very sexually demanding wife, and she just can't seem to keep her hands off of me. As soon as I come home from work she drags me to bed and pounces on me, and after dinner it's round two. Otherwise she's restless and ca...

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My friend told me this, thought I would share

(Sorry for any mistakes, I am on mobile)
So, there is this fly who starts dropping down 4 feet. A fish is in the pond, and sees the fly, and thinks that if the fly drops 4 feet, then he can snatch the fly. A bear is nearby, and thinks that if the fly goes down 4 feet, and the fish eats him, then ...

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[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

 

There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."

 


On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly...

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest...

...and is nearly on top of him. Just before the bear can pounce, time stops, freezing the animals in place. Jesus steps out from behind a tree and tells the bear that if he spares the rabbit, he will grant each creature two wishes. The bear agrees, and time resumes. The bear says, "I wish I had ...

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A fun joke to say when you're drunk

[Long, but worth it. Especially when everyone's drunk]

There's a fly sitting about a foot above a river.

Now there's a salmon in the river looking up at the fly thinking "you know, if that fly drops down six inches, I could jump up and snatch it and I'm gonna have a good dinner tonight...

A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions...

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A fly on the river (bit lengthy, bit racy)

First post here. This is the only joke I know...bear with me as its a bit lengthy.

There was a fly buzzing along a river near the shore, exactly 3 inches above the water. It was preparing to descend onto the surface of the river when a fish happened to notice it. The fish thinks to itself, "...

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So a missionary is spreading the word

of God as he see it in the deepest darkest parts of the African jungle. Since companionship is scarce, he entertains himself in the evenings by sitting outside his crude shelter and playing his violin.

As time passes he notices that the animals have begun to come out of the jungle when he pla...

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A Fly, Fish, Bear, Hunter, Mouse, and a Cat

Once upon a time there was a Fly buzzing over the edge of a river, and beneath the water there was a fish that saw the fly buzzing close to the water. The fish thought to himself "If that fly drops six inches I'll be able to swim up and eat it!"

Now on the shore of the river there was a bear,...

A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season.

They can't afford to lose the gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.

He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.

After a few months his popularity begins to...

What do you call a deceptive feline?

A lion.

Get it guys lol? Lion ~ Lying

I'll pounce myself out now...

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Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas.

Two lions split up their territory. One takes New Mexico, the other takes Texas. After the winter, they meet up again. The Texas lion is all skin and bones by the end of it.

The New Mexico lion says, "What the hell happened to you? You must have been doing something wrong with your hunting."<...

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turtles birthday!

It was the Turtles birthday in the animal kingdom and he was turning 150 years. King of the animals was the lion and he proclaimed, (For Turtles birthday we should have a great party and each animal will say a joke to the Turtle for his birthday. Whoever disrepected the Turtle and did not make him l...

A man has a job interview at the zoo...

A man has a job interview at the zoo. The man conducting the interview looks over his resume and finds it impressive.
"You're just the sort of person we've been looking for and we would like to offer you the position," says the interviewer. "But the position itself is a bit...unorthodox."
"W...

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There is a moral to this story

So there was once this fly flying around above the great lakes with no real destination, There was also this salmon stuck forever doomed to a fresh water lake, but it was one of the great lakes so it could have been worse. The salmon had noticed the fly flying around above the lake and thought to i...

One day a devout, Christian man was walking through the forest...

...when he spotted a lion lurking towards him ready to pounce. So, he got on his knees and began to pray to God, "Please, Lord. Let this lion be a Christian lion, so that he will not eat me." The lion then got on his knees and prayed, "Thank you, God for providing me this dinner...

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When a fly drops

A thirsty fly is buzzing around a lake and decides to drop into the water for a drink, but little does the fly know a fish is waiting to snack on him when he does, but little does the fish know a bear is waiting to grab the fish when he jumps up to eat the fly, but little does the bear know a hunter...

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Barry got work as a sailor.

Barry got a nice sweet gig working on a boat, but the downfall was that they where six months at sea at time.

It was alright they pay was worth it but at the end he was horny as hell .
So as soon as they docked he quickly went to the most seedy bar he could find. When he arrived he quickl...

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A barnyard parable...

A young bird left late on his first southern migration and was caught in an early freezing rain causing him to land in a barnyard, unable to fly and freezing to death.

As he crouched there shivering and freezing to death, by chance the last of the farmer's cows plopped a load of manure on the...

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