UPJOKE
spellwordmispronounceabbreviateparaphraseappendmangleomitrewordmisinterpretmisunderstandmisquotemisplaceplagiarizewriting

what do you call a can of fish in a misspelled french garden?

Jardines

(Got inspired by a video game for this one)

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

What do you call it when you misspell the word blood?

A type-o

Why does Captain Morgan always have his foot on a barrel of rum?

Because he can barrely stand.



This is a reupload of my post from earlier due to a misspell that ruined the joke.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?

A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".

People with which blood type tend to misspell things?

TypO

I'm getting sick of people misspelling their homynyms

We should round them up and leave them in a dessert

I never misspell words.

My blood is typo negative

Some commentor tried to correct a journalist's misspelling of "grammar."

Then Andy Grammer said, "But... that's how you spell my surname."

If I had a nicker for every misspelling on this sub...

I'd still be in a lot less trouble than you for saying that setup out loud.

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

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My friend just sent me an email where he misspelled the word "maneuver" into the word "manure."

What a sack of shit.

I've had a good friend for years but I've been misspelling his name the whole time

I should have Sean it coming

I hate people who quote misspelled text

They make me (sic).

Why couldn't the misspelled quotation come to the party?

Because it was [sic]

Bob is about to celebrate his 30th anniversary

Bob wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night he emailed her, but misspelled the address, and it goes to a recent widow.

The next day, the wido...

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When I was in the 6th grade I entered in the spelling bee. The first word they gave me was "constipation" and I misspelled it.

That shit was harder than I thought.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

A word in this sentence is misspelled.

Misspelled.

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, dude," one says after catching his breath. "You scared us half...

Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.


One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing litt...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

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In London during WW2 an American soldier is on a train looking for a seat.

He sees a seat that has a dog in it and a woman beside it "ma'am can you move your dog so i can sit there" he asks the woman replies "No, piss off you Yankee twat" the soldier walks off searches the entire train for a seat but doesn't find one he them returns to the lady and asks "please can you mov...

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

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As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blonde...

If you only bought one ticket you only get one sear

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater, as people were taking their seats for the show. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
“S...

I have good false memory

I can misspell every single word on the dictionary.

Edited: grammar

A Lawyer, a Muslim, and a Hindu are travelling together...

One night, they are looking for a place to stay, and one of them sees a house in the distance. One of them knocks on the door and a farmer answers the door. They ask politely to stay, and the farmer says, "Yes, you may stay. However, one of you will have to sleep in the barn, as I have only room for...

what's this joke mean at late night show?

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz recently said that despite rumors, he is not considering running for president in 2020. He wanted to, but they keep misspelling his name on the banner.

Why is it called a prion?

Because "protein" got misspelled when it was folded the wrong way.

An ostrich, a loin, and a giraffe...

An ostrich, lion, and giraffe decide to visit the local drinkery after a long day at work.

"I've got the first round!" says the Lion, and they all proceed to enjoy their beverages and talk about their day.

Soon enough their first round of drinks are empty. "Waitress!!" exclaims the ost...

My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse a...

Wemen are superior!

Sorry, misspelled that.

We men are superior!

Guy is looking for a new secretary...

Jealous wife: You should not get beautiful young girl with a great body. Hire someone who is older, isn't beautiful, married, has children and does not have a great figure.
Husband: OK, when can you start?

How to ruin a joke on Reddit?

Misspell the paunch line.

Vacation

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida ...

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LPT: If you ever find yourself lost in the wild...

...simply misspell the SOS signal and some arsehole will show up within minutes to correct you.

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3 things are fr certain in life

Death

Taxes

Someone giving you shit about misspelling your title on a Reddit post

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A milkman knocks on a lady's door.

She yells, "Come on in, I'm in the bath."

He slowly peaks around the corner of the open bathroom door and she says , "I want to take a milk bath, fill 'er up.

He replies, "Alright, do you want it pasteurized?"

She says, "No, just up to my boobs."

Almost every post that hits the frontt page

Has a misspelled title.

A scientist preforms an experiment on a frog...

First, he puts the frog in a box. Once the frog is in the box, the Scientist claps . The frog, startled, jumps out of the box. The scientist then catches the frog and puts it back in the box.

Next, he removes one leg from the frog, and claps again. The frog, startled, jumps out of the box. Th...

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night 2018

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the web
The president was tweeting as the market went red
The government was closed because of a wall
In hopes that Mexico, would pay for it all

The people were nestled, their head in their hands
While visi...

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A woman at a fancy restaurant is chocking...

Hands on her neck, face turning blue. A man runs over, pulls down her dress and licks her ass. The woman's eyes bulge and a piece of steak goes flying. She turns to the man and says "What the fuck was that?!" To which the man responds "The hind-lick maneuver."

-credit to grumpy guy at work.

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One of my favorites. A long one, but worth it.

When the world first came to fruition all of the animals saw that they had a certain amount of years to live, and each had a certain thing to do for those years.
The rabbit first saw that he had 40 years to run jump and play without a care in the world. But, the rabbit thought that forty was too...

A dyslexic man walked into a bra

And he had a pretty good time there with his friends, albeit having a little difficulty due to his dyslexia.

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Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

A dyslexic boy walks into a toy store and asks for a "satr wars atcion figuer"...

The manager tells him that dyslexia does not cause you to talk in misspelled words and took the boy to hospital where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

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