What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

I hate it when people confuse one social media for another

Edit: Thanks for the likes

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

What happens when a plant tries to add you on social media?

You get a fern request.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

What social media does Captain hook hate?

Tik-tok

A lot of new social media sites are like some of the jokes on this sub:

Smaller, more condensed and ultimately worse than the original they ripped off

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

How can you tell the difference between a cop and a social media influencer?

The influencer HAS TO tell you their job.

whats the difference between a social media influencer and a bench??

one can support a family.

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I see someone posting lyrics of inspirational songs on social media, I get really pissed off.

But I will survive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When social media bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...

lactose intolerance.

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I already...

Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Google meet

Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user?

Because they have probably already Reddit

If social media were a thing in 1937

would people on the Hindenburg say:

"Here before this blows up."

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods.

He told me I can't just Thoreau my life away.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being on social media is like having sex

It's fun until you know your parents do it too

What do you get when you cross a social media site with a Chinese investor?

[redacted]

I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

[Dad joke] Social Media

I hear there is a new app for the COVID conscious.

It is called FaceMask.

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

An influenzer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. ...

I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.

Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.

I tried making an anti social media platform.

But it never went anywhere.

What's Forrest Gump's social media password?

1forrest1

All my social media apps and people I know keep telling me to vote...

I’ve probably cast like 40 ballots by now, and they STILL won’t stop telling me to do it!

Seeing as how Mount St Helen's been all over social media...

I vote we change her name to Mount St Karen..as a warning for future generations

What did the French army general do on social media?

Retweet!

The amount of advertising on social media is super surprising.

What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.

What do you call an English teacher with a social media addiction?

Instagrammar

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

What do you call an anti-vaxxer who’s big in social media?

An influenzar

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?

They're Instagram Influenzas

For a while now, I always wondered how my parents passed the time in the 80’s and 90’s without social media

I asked my 32 other siblings and they’ve got no idea either.

What's the opposite of social media?

Social life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off

They can't all go to Congress

Antivaxxers should create social media accounts for their children

They'll go viral in no time.

A 19-year-old teen had to be admitted after he became addicted to social media.

He’s currently being tweeted in hospital.

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

What do social media Influencers and perverts have in common?

They both think people want their exposure.

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?

They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

I'm slightly peturbed by people these days showing off in weird, but understandable ways on social media.

Weird flex, but ok.

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?

An InstaGator

What did the virus name it's social media account?

Influenceza

You gotta be careful on social media these days.

I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.

All my friends keep tagging me in their social media

So this is what they called the #trashtag challenge

I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook...

...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

The amount of salt on social media...

... is more than enough to cover all of the fries produced by McDonalds next year.

Trump has more impeachments than he does social media accounts.

This joke will never get old, ever.

Stop writing hateful things about Alabama and the abortion laws all over social media.

They likely can't read, we will need to tell them in person.

A new social media site is sweeping over college campuses.

Mysafespace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A facebook user, a LINE user (japanese social media), and a redditor are having a drink at a bar.

The facebook user says "I've got to go home and spend time with the wifey."

The LINE user says "I must go home and spend time with the waifu."

The redditor says "Then I'll go home and spend time with the wifi."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't call people Grammar Nazis on social media anymore....

Now I call them the Alt-Write.

Social media in a nutshell

Instagram: "I'm so pretty"
LinkedIn: "I'm so good at my job"
Twitter: "I'm so funny"
Snapchat: "I'm a dog"

Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media.

Doctor: I don't follow you.

What does Chipotle dread when making a post on social media?

Going viral

I'm surprised Trump is on social media all the time

I figured the Speaker of the House would be the Tweeter of the group.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call a social media marketing genius?

Masterbaiter

Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate?

Still nobody cares.

A Social Media Consultant walks into a bar and orders a drink.

He copies-and-pastes the drink to five other bars and requests that they become a fan of it, then bills the first bar for six drinks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife treats me like a president

It mostly means she hides her tax money from me and talks shit about me on social media.

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

I’m an Anti-vax and I don’t care what you think.

I’m sick and tired of seeing people who are anti-vax getting bullied on social media. We have good reasons to feel this way and simply bad mouthing us or attacking us is not going to change our mind. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have one again. No chance, no matter what you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings

But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media

Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum.

You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

Rabbit and Frog

One day a Rabbit and a Frog were hopping through the forest, when all of a sudden they bump into each other. They both apologise and exclaim that they are each blind. The Rabbit says that he has always been blind and doesn't actually know what he is. So the Frog said, that he has not always been...

A teen goes to a party one day.

He dances for a bit, then he decides to get some punch but sees the line is long so he goes back to dancing. He enters the line but sees the line is still long. So, he dances some more, grabs some food, and scrolls through social media. Eventually he enters the line again. Finally he says: "This pun...

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