UPJOKE
tastesavorsavourblowkissslapbusshitspankthwackbangpeckrelishtangflavor

Smacking Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about that group of women suing their plastic surgeon for faulty butt implants? Apparently their cheeks wont stop smacking together now...

It's a real ass claption lawsuit.

My wife woke me up this morning by smacking me upside the head with a thousand piece jigsaw...

"What the hell did you do that for?" I said, looking puzzled.

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old woman's bet

The president of a major international bank is sitting in his office on the top floor of a high rise building when his secretary says an old woman wants to see him and insists that she'd only see him and no one else. He tells her to let her in. The old woman walks in with a suitcase. He shows her th...

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

"Killing grannies

and smacking fannies." — Gov. Andrew Cuomo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by...

...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing that tomato doesn't belong in a fruit salad.

Charisma is convincing people to eat the fruit salad anyway.

Constitution is not barfing when your fruit salad tastes of tomato.

Dexterity is hiding your fruit salad in the potted plant.

Strength is smacking t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and an alligator walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Whoa man, you can't have an alligator in here!"
The man replies, "Don't worry, its a trained alligator."
Bartender, "I don't care if its trained or not, you can't have a fucking alligator in a bar."
Man, "Alright, check this out." The man then opens the alligator's mout...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British, the French, and the Irish

The British wanted to find out why the head of a mans penis was larger then the shaft. So, they spent about $150 million and a month to conduct their tests. They concluded that it was to give the male more pleasure during sex. The French where not satisfied with their findings, so they spent about $...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.