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Sizes Jokes

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Condoms are available in three sizes.

Small, medium, and liar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I overheard a lady talking about penis sizes.

She was saying she seen in a magazine it said American Indians had the largest penis size and Mexicans had a penis with the largest diameter.

I walked up and said let me introduce myself. My name is Tonto Rodriguez.

I love women in all different shape and sizes. Kinda like my last girlfriend.

She had a ballpark figure.

TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes

That's why they were called rulers.

I FINALLY opened my shoe store that only sells large sizes.

Let me tell you, that was no small feet.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes....

Large, small, circle, square, thin crust, deep dish, extra toppings....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge....

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What do you call an entire stash full of butt plugs of various sizes?

An arsenal

I like my bra sizes like I like my wrestlers

Triple H

What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?

A mathemortician.

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What was the similarity between jews and shoe sizes?

... There were more in 42 than in 46.

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(True story) Friend and I were talking about dick sizes and my mother over hears me say how small I am.

She says in a defensive concerned voice. Noooo.. You're big.....

Mom! How the hell would you even know that?! You haven't seen my junk since I was a baby!

Cause, when you were born the nurses came to me and said you were the biggest of all the other baby boys in the nursery.

I s...

YO' MAMA IS SO FAT... SIZES

Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: large, extra large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"

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Have you ever wondered why letters are used to define bra sizes?

{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This complete stranger PMed me out of nowhere and suggested we meet up in the forest and compare dick sizes!

The perverted fuck didn't even turn up.

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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My first wife's breasts were different sizes...

One spring I took her down to the beach for a wet T-shirt contest.

We took 1st and 3rd place.

Yo momma so fat

her tailor uses mattress sizes

Did you know that shot sizes are different in different places?

In most of the US it's usually 50mL but in Detroit it's usually 9mm.

If I've learned one thing in my travels, it's that men come in all shapes and sizes.

But enough about my exotic fleshlight collection.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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