A skydiving instructor tells his student, "After jumping off the plane, count to ten and pull your parachute."

"W-w-what w-w-was th-th-that n-n-numb-b-ber ag-g-gain?"

"Two."

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

I once went to climb Mount Everest...

... came across a local village farmer who said he had a rooster that could lay eggs.

I said, “How is that possible?”

He said, “Himalayan Rooster”


P.S I told that joke to a farm girl today and to all the other ag folk who clapped it made my day. Even if there’s only two of y...

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

A u‌‌niversity s‌‌tudent w‌‌anted t‌‌o s‌‌it n‌‌ext t‌‌o o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is t‌‌eachers a‌‌t l‌‌unch.

However, t‌‌he t‌‌eacher l‌‌ooked a‌‌t t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌n a‌‌rrogant f‌‌ace a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "A s‌‌wan s‌‌han't b‌‌e f‌‌riends w‌‌ith a‌‌ p‌‌ig."

"Then I‌‌ s‌‌hall f‌‌ly o‌‌n", a‌‌nswered t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌ s‌‌mile.

The t‌‌eacher w‌‌as c‌‌learly v‌‌exed b‌‌y t‌‌he c‌‌heek...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast?

Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia.

What’s Mr. Krabs’ Favorite Element?

Silver

“Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag Ag”

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day ...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you made of Copper, Nitrogen, Terbium, and Silver?

Because you are a CuNTbAg.

What do you call a dragon with no silver?

a dron.



dr**ag**on (science joke)

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

What do you get when you combine silver, a personal pronoun, a tattoo, and the short form of Edward?

Ag I tat Ed.

I'm veeeerrrryyyyy agitated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

Attorney General

The attorney general decides to hold a contest to see which organization is the best at policing. SO he gets the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD together, and tells them "I've released a rabbit into the wilderness, find it, and bring it to me." So the FBI goes in, and two hours later, they come out, and ...

Why did Silver have such a successful rap career?

He was truly Ag.

Misc religion based puns

What do you call a horse who doesn't believe in God?
Hay-thiest

What do you call a pig who believes in the old gods?
A pag-ham.

What do you call a practitioner of Hinduism who solely worships in the morning?
A Hin-dew.

What do you call a caveman unsure it he believes in...

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