UPJOKE
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Showed Jokes

A French guy showed me his yachts.

French guy: This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where's the 5th one?

French guy: Cinq.

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

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A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing. After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an en...

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Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass.

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

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Pele showed up in Hell....

Pele showed up in Hell and Satan said, "How is this possible? You were beloved by millions and gave generously to those in need."
Pele explained, "When I got to Saint Peter's gate, there was a big crowd waiting but they had room for only one more. Saint Peter winked at me and pronounced 'he who h...

My friend showed me a photo of a famous meteor crater in Arizona.

It's amazing how close it landed to the Visitor's Center.

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”

“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

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"I showed my doctor my weird bum rash, but he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable."

"How unprofessional, what did he say?"

"He told me to go back to my table, so he and his wife could enjoy their dinner."

I showed up at my girlfriend’s apartment with an erection.

I got a hard no.

A genie showed up next to me.

"Let me make your day better by granting you three wishes! What's your first wish?" it asked.

I thought for a moment.

"I'd like to have the name of every girl that has ever found me attractive."

He said, "Okay, you still have three wishes remaining."

One evening a rich widower showed up at the club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-yr-old blond.

She hung on to his every word, all night long.

His friends were stunned, and as soon as she couldn’t hear, they asked him how he’d managed to get a trophy girlfriend.

“Girlfriend? She’s my wife.”

“How the hell did you persuade that knockout to marry you?” one guy asked incredulo...

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I was furious when my friend showed me my wife's profile on a dating website.

That lying bitch isn't "fun to be around"

A guy showed up late to a Cannibal dinner

He was given the Cold Shoulder

My nutritionist showed up at my door unannounced!

I didn’t ‘vitamin.

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

After getting the windows on my car tinted black, I showed it to my wife.

She said, "I wouldn't be seen dead in that thing!"

I said, "That's the point."

The condoms I ordered just showed up.

I'm excited because I've been waiting for them to come in.

A Mexican guy showed me his magic trick.

He said "Uno!"

He said "Dos!"

And then POOF he disappeared without a tres!

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I accidentally showed a friend some porn

hope he didnt have any hard feelings.

I started a camp for kids with ADHD but nobody showed up.

I guess calling it Concentration Camp was a bad idea.

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I dumped a girl right after she took me to her home and showed me all her Nazi pride memorabilia

There were a lot of red flags

Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.

"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

What did Mike Tyson say when I showed him my mold collection?

Growth.

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A recent study showed that 93% of the people in Detroit have had shower sex

The other 7% have not been to jail.

You know what hackers did when Police showed up at their house?

They ransomware safe

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

I took a photo of a goat and showed him. Guess it didnt like it..

His reaction was "Meh"..

I joined a local scat group on Facebook recently who said they were having a meet up

Once I showed up and saw what they were doing to each other, I realized my mistake and skiddy-be-bop-a-do’d out of there as fast as I could.

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

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Richard Attenborough showed me a selection of photos of small African antelope penises.

It was Dick's dik-dik dick pic picks.

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

I ordered a balloon on aliexpress

Tracking showed it was on the way and then it just disappeared. Has anyone seen it?

Bought a new car and showed it to my mum.

I said, "have a look at my karma"

What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?

Beats me.

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,

I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.

It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.

When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, teacher caught it.

And then they fired me.

I was walking downtown, and I saw a sign advocating veganism, that showed a pig and a dog.

It said, "why love one and eat the other?" I thought to myself, "that is a good point. I should start eating dogs."

My blind date showed up late, and then said 'I thought you'd be younger.'

I said 'I was.'

What has gone down since carona virus has showed up?

School Shootings

My boss showed up this morning in a new Porsche. I said, "what an amazing car"...

And he replied, "yeah - if you work really hard, put lots of hours in and strive for excellence at all times, I should be able to get another one next year".

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How a CEO of a big bank showed his ass to the public

One day the bank noticed that a simple man comes and deposits money every day. Sometimes he deposits small Suma like 50$ and some times about 1000$ And this guy has millions of dollars in his account.

One day a Manager at the bank asked the man how does he deposit so much money.

The m...

A farmer had three daughters...

and each was going on a date one Friday night.

The first daughters date showed up "Hi I'm Freddy here to pick up Betty to eat spaghetti, is she ready?"

Betty left with Freddy.

The second daughters date showed up "Hey I'm Joe here to pick up Flo to go to the show, is she ready t...

Donald Trump showed up in Washington D.C. to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

Actually, he just heard the words "Washington D.C." and "King" and got excited.

The police showed up at my house

They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it from inside (sorry if it’s a repost).

I showed my Mexican friends I know a little Spanish by saying "mucho" and they seemed really flattered

...they said it meant a lot to them.

Grandpa showed me this one...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and can't seem to figure out how to get it started."
Her neighbor asks,"What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver-haired lady says,"Well, according to the box, it's supposed to be a ...

A stray kitten showed up at my door.

I was like " you got to be kitten me.

I kept calling Uber but they never showed up

I told them I was in desperate need of a Lyft

A woman showed up at my house today

She said ”Tell your son to stop copying me!”

”Johnny! Stop acting like an idiot!” I shouted to my son

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

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A recent study showed that 60% of the time men iniated sex...

the other 40% of the time they begged for it!

When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain

I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

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Showed the wife some Japanese porn...

She said, "I haven't seen a cunt that blurry since you stole my glasses."

I teach public school, and every day I have to keep track of who showed up and who didn't

That's just how I roll

I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk..

He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"

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I showed up to my premature ejaculation support group.

Turns out, it's tomorrow.

I showed a friend my 2 month old glass of milk.

He said "That is absolutely disgusting". So I told him not to disrespect my culture.

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