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Scissors Jokes

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

Policeman stops a guy running with scissors

\- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.

\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"

You should never run with scissors...

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

My mother always told me that there’s nothing worse than running with scissors

Now that I’m older, I realize there’s one worse thing: scissoring with the runs

I tried to make a joke about safety scissors...

But it was pointless.

My scissors aren't very good at detail work...

They are always cutting corners.

"Mom, where do scissors come from?"

Well, when two ladies love each other very much .....

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Who's got two thumbs and knows how to use scissors?

Not me, I can't apply to either of those anymore.

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

Rap is like scissors...

It always loses to rock.

Scissors and knives serve similar functions...

But I learned the hard way scissoring someone gets you a very different reaction from knifing them.

I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used scissors to unclog my toilet

I just cut the crap

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

I don't know who keeps stealing my scissors

But they need to cut it out.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.

Scissors asks, "What happened?".

Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

I used to play Rock-Paper-Scissors professionally.

I made money hand over fist.

Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.

Gun beats everything.

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought?

What’s the point.

How do you entertain a blonde for a day?

Put her in front of a mirror and tell her to play rock, paper, scissors until she wins.

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

I hate arguing with deaf people

I already said you can't convince me by beating me at rock paper scissors!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors.

I'm sooooo happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Cuz if I had pulled out paper, shiiiit, I would have lost.

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a gay-porno starring Dwayne Johnson and Johnny Depp?

"*Rock Beats Scissors*"

What is the hardest thing to take in a robbery?

Scissors..... Because you can't run away!

I used to work in an art supply store.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Our lawn mower broke

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her poi...

My girlfriend out-dad joked me today

Scene: I’m making coffee and using scissors to open a new bag of coffee:

Me: These scissors are blunt, we need new ones.

Her: Well they work fine on paper.

Me: *facepalm*



The student surpasses the master. I’m not even mad.

My wife has a thing for feet.

Nail scissors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a rainy Tuesday and a dwarf lady runs into a doctors office in tears.

She sobs and tells the doctor “I can’t stand it any more, every time it rains I get a terrible pain in my crotch! Can you help me?”

The doctor is rightly baffled by this, so he asks the lady to get on the table so he can examine her. Straight away he says “Ah I can see the issue, and I’m sure...

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