The 67+ Best Scissors Jokes

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Once, there were three friends named Ralph Rock, Pete Paper, and Steve Scissors.

All three of them were very interested in politics. In fact, they made a pact that someday, one of them would by the president of the United States.

Ralph Rock worked very hard to build relationships with the community and gain the trust of the people. Pete Paper used the press to attack his ...

My mother always told me that there’s nothing worse than running with scissors

Now that I’m older, I realize there’s one worse thing: scissoring with the runs

What's worse then running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs...

Rock, paper and scissors have entered a race.

Rock has begun to roll, but paper and scissors remain stationery.

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

Why did the budget division tell the paper in rock, paper, scissors they were getting rid of it?

“Because budget cuts, paper”

I tried to make a joke about safety scissors...

But it was pointless.

I hate arguing with deaf people

I already said you can't convince me by beating me at rock paper scissors!

My scissors aren't very good at detail work...

They are always cutting corners.

Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

Policeman stops a guy running with scissors

\- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.

\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

Who's got two thumbs and knows how to use scissors?

Not me, I can't apply to either of those anymore.

"Mom, where do scissors come from?"

Well, when two ladies love each other very much .....

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"

Ok. BTW what's my last name?

"Scissorhands"

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

I wonder who invented scissors

Whoever they are, I hope they got a cut of the profits.

What do you get when you cross scissors and Flex Tape?

Something that’s fun to make, disappointing to watch, and dangerous to keep.

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

If I got paid to play rock paper scissors...

I'd be making money hand over fist.

Scissors and knives serve similar functions...

But I learned the hard way scissoring someone gets you a very different reaction from knifing them.

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

What is the hardest thing to take in a robbery?

Scissors..... Because you can't run away!

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

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I used scissors to unclog my toilet

I just cut the crap

Why is it pointless to throw scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors against an illegal immigrant?

Because they don’t have papers.

I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

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Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

I used to work in an art supply store.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

I don't know who keeps stealing my scissors

But they need to cut it out.

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.

Scissors asks, "What happened?".

Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought?

What’s the point.

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You gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors.

I'm sooooo happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Cuz if I had pulled out paper, shiiiit, I would have lost.

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.

Gun beats everything.

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

Cop said papers

I said scissors and won so I sped off

guess he wants a rematch cause he's been chasing me for 20 minutes

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?” Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

My wife has a thing for feet.

Nail scissors.

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.

Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

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Why did Hitler lose WWII?

Simple, scissors beats paper

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Little Johnny: Contagious

The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little shit. She sighs and tells him to go ahead.

With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:...

I was hit by a stationary vehicle the other day,

luckily it wasn't carrying any scissors

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

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