Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Did you hear about the latest pair of scissors in the market?

It's said to be cutting edge technology

I tried to make a joke about safety scissors...

But it was pointless.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

Scissors are a beautifully simplistic piece of technology.

Their invention was nothing but shear genius.

A pencil and a scissors are having a debate.

Everytime the pencil make a good point, the scissors get a little snippy.

I always wondered why rock didn't beat paper in rock paper scissors

Turns out rock just couldn't cut it

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are"

Ok. BTW what's my last name?

"Scissorhands"

Who's got two thumbs and knows how to use scissors?

Not me, I can't apply to either of those anymore.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

Policeman stops a guy running with scissors

\- "Hey, where are you running with those scissors?" asks policeman.

\- "To hospital. They just called and told me my mother in-law life is hanging by a thread"

Every one knows to not run with scissors.

But it is also important to never scissor with the runs.

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

"Mom, where do scissors come from?"

Well, when two ladies love each other very much .....

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

What's worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with runs.

Cop said papers

I said scissors and won so I sped off

guess he wants a rematch cause he's been chasing me for 20 minutes

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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

What do you get when you cross scissors and Flex Tape?

Something that’s fun to make, disappointing to watch, and dangerous to keep.

I wonder who invented scissors

Whoever they are, I hope they got a cut of the profits.

If I got paid to play rock paper scissors...

I'd be making money hand over fist.

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

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Little Johnny: Contagious

The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little shit. She sighs and tells him to go ahead.

With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:...

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?” Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her...

You know, the saddest thing about Dwayne Johnson's success as a movie actor is how he's completely forgotten his brothers who got him there.

Paper and Scissors.

Why is it pointless to throw scissors in a game of rock-paper-scissors against an illegal immigrant?

Because they don’t have papers.

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

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Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

Rock, paper, scissors got complicated.

I was playing it with my deaf cousin, but then he started showing some new signs and I didn't know how to counter them.

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

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I used scissors to unclog my toilet

I just cut the crap

A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

I don't know who keeps stealing my scissors

But they need to cut it out.

I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

NEWSFLASH: Dwayne Johnson to purchase Fiskars!

Yep: Rock Pays for Scissors

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.

Scissors asks, "What happened?".

Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

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You gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors.

I'm sooooo happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Cuz if I had pulled out paper, shiiiit, I would have lost.

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

My friend handed me broken scissors...

I told him this isn't going to cut it.

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Why did Hitler lose WWII?

Simple, scissors beats paper

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.

Gun beats everything.

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

I was hit by a stationary vehicle the other day,

luckily it wasn't carrying any scissors

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

My girlfriend out-dad joked me today

Scene: I’m making coffee and using scissors to open a new bag of coffee:

Me: These scissors are blunt, we need new ones.

Her: Well they work fine on paper.

Me: *facepalm*



The student surpasses the master. I’m not even mad.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

Cop asks for papers.

Cop says papers, I say scissors I win and drive off.

Must want a rematch been chasin me for the last 20mins.

Rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here." So the rope leaves, goes home. Grabs a pair of scissors, cuts the top of his head up, shreds himself up a bit ties himself a nice ponytail. Goes back to the bar. Bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope that walked in a while ago?" Rope says...

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What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

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