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The secret to winning every single Rock, Paper, Scissors game is...

...Weighing about 30+ kilos more than your opponent, looking him firmly in the eye and showing ROCK til they get the fucking message.

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I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors.

He gave her arsenic.

I had to get a new pair of scissors today.

The old ones just weren’t cutting it.

What do you get when you cross scissors and Flex Tape?

Something that’s fun to make, disappointing to watch, and dangerous to keep.

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

I wonder who invented scissors

Whoever they are, I hope they got a cut of the profits.

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet, and goes out. As she looks to her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.

Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and slips it...

What's worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with runs.

You should never run with scissors...

And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

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Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

Rock, paper, scissors got complicated.

I was playing it with my deaf cousin, but then he started showing some new signs and I didn't know how to counter them.

I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

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Dwayne Johnson paid me to clean up and organize his craft room, but sadly, I lost his scrapbook cutting tool.

I lost the Rock’s paper scissors.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

Yard work

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her po...

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

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I used scissors to unclog my toilet

I just cut the crap

Rope walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here." So the rope leaves, goes home. Grabs a pair of scissors, cuts the top of his head up, shreds himself up a bit ties himself a nice ponytail. Goes back to the bar. Bartender says, "Hey aren't you that rope that walked in a while ago?" Rope says...

I don't know who keeps stealing my scissors

But they need to cut it out.

Running with scissors

You know how they say you shouldn't run with scissors? Well you also shouldn't scissor with the runs...

A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

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Mr. Becker was a cantankerous old Farmer

But he owns some best Land in the valley for Deer hunting. People had asked permission to hunt on his land forever and always ended up hightailing out of there to escape the barrage of expletives hurled at them and a potential for a dusting of rock salt out of his shotgun.

My buddy Cory an...

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

Rap is like scissors...

It always loses to rock.

“Daddy, where do scissors come from?”

“Well, two knives screw together.”

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

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A story about kinks and boobs

I started dating this girl with a really weird fetish -- she's got a very nice pair of knockers, and she loves having it smacked loudly. She really gets off from the pain and from the really loud POP sound that the slap of skin-on-skin can make. Recently, she's been getting more kinky about it, and ...

What did scissors say to paper after he beat rock?

You’re tearable.

An interesting title

A Policeman pulled
me over and said "Papers?"

So I said "Scissors"
and drove away.

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Two old ladies smoking outside a nursing home...

Nancy: Billy came to see me today!

Betty: That's nice... I wish Karla would come visit.

It starts to rain a little bit, so Nancy pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors from her purse, snips off the tip, slips it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Betty: What's that?...

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You gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors.

I'm sooooo happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Cuz if I had pulled out paper, shiiiit, I would have lost.

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.

Scissors asks, "What happened?".

Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

What kind of music are scissors afraid of?

Rock music

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie - I've rewritten the military coding for letters. I would appreciate anybody suggestions or improvements here...

Anchovies
Beetlejuice
Cannibal
Deadpool
Echidna
Fallopian
Gallifrey
Hepatitis
Imp
Jabberwocky
Kippersnacks
Lynch (all CIA guys' name)
Megamind
Nala
Octuplets
Paper
Quirky
Rock
Scissors
Tarantula
Umbilical
Vaccine
Wombat
Xystarch (l...

My friend handed me broken scissors...

I told him this isn't going to cut it.

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.

Gun beats everything.

I need to get myself an electric nose hair trimmer

Scissors just won't cut it anymore :/

I used to play Rock-Paper-Scissors professionally.

I made money hand over fist.

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What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

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A music teacher is teaching a class when his principal walks in

He sees a kid playing with scissors and tells the teacher.

“Hey, that kid is playing with scissors”, the principal says.

“I know. I’ve already told him that it’s dangerous but he cries every time I take it away. He insists it’s a pet”, says the music teacher.

“Let me try”, says ...

When the nurse does not listen

I went to visit a friend in hospital and was surprised to find him running terror stricken and stark naked down the corridor in the ward, chased by a nurse wielding a pair of scissors. Down the hall was the doctor, shouting " No, nurse, I said slip off his spectacles"

Did you hear about the kid with no hands?

He's terrible at rock, paper, scissors.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson...

The Rock always beats scissors.

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Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

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