I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

If you walk around the office with a pair of scissors...

You could literally cut ties whit all your coworkers.

Dad joke: What did the rock say to the scissors?

I’m Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

Sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the school ban scissors?

To prevent students from cutting class.

Rock, paper, scissors got complicated.

I was playing it with my deaf cousin, but then he started showing some new signs and I didn't know how to counter them.

Anyone know a good pair of scissors?

Mine just aren’t cutting it

I went into the hairdressers and people were getting their heads cut off with giant pruning scissors

It was shear barberism.

I have to say that scissors really impress me.

Absolutely cutting-edge technology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A music teacher is teaching a class when his principal walks in

He sees a kid playing with scissors and tells the teacher.

“Hey, that kid is playing with scissors”, the principal says.

“I know. I’ve already told him that it’s dangerous but he cries every time I take it away. He insists it’s a pet”, says the music teacher.

“Let me try”, says ...

Don’t run with the scissors

And don’t scissor with the runs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

Whats worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs.

A cop pulled me over today and said "Papers",

so I said "Scissors" and drove off.

Old scissors both are and aren't cutting edge technology.

Facts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

I invented a new game similar to rock paper scissors.

You have 3 cards with a color on one side and white on the other.

You and your opponent choose a card, show it face down (white part), and simultaneously switch it to know the winner.

Every player has 3 cards of 3 different colors, representing some natural elements: Blue, Red and Bro...

Running with scissors

You know how they say you shouldn't run with scissors? Well you also shouldn't scissor with the runs...

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

I don't know who keeps stealing my scissors

But they need to cut it out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used scissors to unclog my toilet

I just cut the crap

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

A rock and some scissors saw a piece of paper

"What's that?" Asked the scissors.
"Beats me" said the rock.

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

I saw a pair of scissors with rounded blades the other day, and you know what I thought?

What’s the point.

“Daddy, where do scissors come from?”

“Well, two knives screw together.”

Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson...

The Rock always beats scissors.

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

Rap is like scissors...

It always loses to rock.

How did they solve the political stalemate?

They played Barack Paper Scissors

The first time I took a girl back to my apartment, she sighed and asked, “You don’t have much experience taking off bras, do you?”

I said, “What gave me away?”

She said, “The scissors, mostly.”

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop...

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors...

I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

What did scissors say to paper after he beat rock?

You’re tearable.

Make a pair of scissors, specifically designed to cut paper, made out of sharpened stone.

Call them "Rock Paper Scissors."

You gotta be careful around everyone these days. I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors.

I'm sooooo happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Cuz if I had pulled out paper, shiiiit, I would have lost.

Two elderly women are walking down the street smoking cigarettes and it begins to rain

One of the elderly ladies puts her cigarette out and the other woman goes into her purse and pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She unwraps the condom and cuts it in half with the scissors. She takes the closed end of it, places it over her cigarette to stay dry and continues smoking.
...

Paper, Rock, and Scissors were sitting at a table playing Poker

They are playing a hand and Rock goes all in, Scissors places $50, and paper snapped in a half and dies.

Scissors asks, "What happened?".

Rocks replies, "I think he folded".

My friend handed me broken scissors...

I told him this isn't going to cut it.

Why did the man use a pair of scissors on the rope?

The knife just wasn't cutting it.

I used to play Rock-Paper-Scissors professionally.

I made money hand over fist.

Politics is like a game of rock-paper-scissors.

Gun beats everything.

There was once a 10 year old little boy

Riding his blue bicycle in his mountain town. He hears a strange, unfamiliar bell coming from the top of the nearby mountain. He decides to investigate the next day. He wakes up extra early at 7am and begins his summit to find the bell. He arrives at the top of the mountain after a long 12 hour bike...

How did i get into the hospital:

When our lawn mower broke, my wife still reminded me to repair it. But I was still busy. There was always something else to do. My car, football, internet, fishing, friends, pub... Something more important for me. Finally she came with an idea she believed will work. When I came home yesterday, she ...

I was driving and the cop stopped me

He said "papers" so i replied "scissors! I win" and we laughed for a moment then he cuffed me and i got fined

Another Blonde Joke

Two blondes stood by a car in which they had accidentally locked the key.

“We need to get in there,” says the first blonde. “Why don’t we use a coat hanger to slide the lock open?”

“No,” says the second. “People’d think we’re trying to steal the car.”

“I have a pair of scissors...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Groundbreaking Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf lady goes to the doctors complaining about a pain down below.

She sits down and says to the doctor “I have a terrible pain in my vagina!”

The doctor looks at her for a minute then grabs a pair of scissors. He works away near her vagina for a couple of minutes and then exclaims “There you go. If you would like to stand up for me.”

She stands up an...

Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.......

Does Dwayne Johnson purchase bulk shears?

No.

The Rock pay per scissors

Husband and wife(moral)

A husband and wife dies, and go to heaven. There, god tells them they have room for only one of them, and they have to rock-paper-scissors for the spot. Wife whispered something to the husband and then prepares to start. They do it once and the husband chooses paper while the wife chooses scissors, ...

A police officer stopped me on the highway

He told me "Papers, please".
I responded with "Scissors, I win !" and went back on my way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent scientific study revealed that women found different male attributes attractive depending on where they were in their menstrual cycle.

For example, a woman ovulating found men with rugged masculine features most attractive.
Whereas a woman menstruating preferred men doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eyes, an axe in his skull and a javelin stuck up his arse.

[LONG] A man is trying to land his dream job of being a barber...

For months he’s been studying proper haircutting technique. He has painstakingly flipped through each page of the most rigorous hair textbooks, watched video tutorials from the best salons, and read countless articles about current hairstyles.

Finally, it was the day of his job interview. He ...

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife finds out her husband has been cheating on her.

Heartbroken and keen to seek revenge, she takes a trip to the local witch doctor to buy a voodoo doll.

She brings it home and waits for her husbands return.

As he walks in the door he notices his wife sitting in dead silence, lights off, with only the dim glow of the fireplace lighting...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris Facts!

-can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it.

-can make scissors beat rock.

-when he's looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough
to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

-can unscramble eggs.

-counted t...

Theory of Jumping Fleas

A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.

This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.