Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

Rabbi Schwartz and Father O’Malley were at a diner enjoying lunch

Father O’Malley put down his ham and cheese sandwich and commented, “This sandwich is so good! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this?

Without missing a beat, Rabbi Schwartz replied, “A...

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RIP Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impress...

Condoms & Dramamine

Mr. Schwartz comes home one evening, and his wife greets him at the door. "Melvyn," she says, "I have an idea. Let's you and me take a weeklong cruise. We've got time, the kids are all on their own now, we've got the money, we'll have a great time." "Great idea, honey," says Mr. Schwartz. He runs do...

Last will of Morris Schwartz

Morris Schwartz lies on deathbed and his end is near. In the room with him is his wife, his daughter, his two sons and nurse. Morris knows he will die soon so he says:


„Bernie, you take the houses in Beverly Hills.

Sybil, you take the apartments in Los Angeles Plaza.

Hymie, ...

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A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

One day, a procession came past, and it included His Holiness The Pope. He stopped to watch the thro...

Manure

Schwartz, an elderly man, is resting peacefully on the porch of his small hotel outside Boca when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He walks out to see who could be approaching: It is a Southern farmer with a wagon.
“Good afternoon,” says Schwartz.
“Afternoon,” says the farmer.
“Where yo...

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An old Jew is lying in the hospital, slowly drifting towards the inevitable end...

He feels himself getting weaker and weaker, and summons a nurse.

“What can I do for you, Mr. Schwartz?”

“I want you get me a priest!”

“Uhh... yes, you mean a rabbi?”

“No! A priest! Get me a Catholic priest!”

The nurse goes off and finds the hospital priest, who co...

Obituary

Schwartz dies and his widow calls the New York Times and asks the price of an obituary. She is told it’s $10 per word. Okay, she said, have it read, “Schwartz dead” The clerk then tells her there is a $50 minimum, for which you get 5 words. Okay, she said, have it say, “Schwartz dead, Cadillac for ...

A man walks out of his office during a thundershower...

and, lo and behold, there's an empty taxi right there! He hops in and remarks to the driver how lucky he is to get a taxi in such weather. The cabbie turns to him and says, "You obviously have perfect timing...just like Sheldon."
"Who?"
"Sheldon Schwartz. Now that guy was a guy who did everyth...

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The funeral director...

Schwartz dies and is brought to the local funeral home to be laid out.
The funeral director carts him in and begins to undress the body, but when he pulls off the man's pants- he can't believe what he sees! Mr. Schwartz has easily got the largest penis he's ever seen. I mean- HUGE!
"I can't ...

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Mel Brooks is tired of all the letters from Arnold Schwarzenegger begging for a new space balls movie.

In a public statement he said he is the worst schwartz a nagger of them all.

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First prize in the synagogue lottery

Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.

Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.

Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes to H...

A guy is looking for a lawyer...

...so he calls a law firm called Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

"Hello, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz, how can I help you?"

"I'd like to speak to Mr. Schwartz, please."

"Sorry, he's with a client."

"Alright, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."...

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