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Goldberg Jokes

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

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A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar...

The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"

The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."

After a few minutes and another...

Rube Goldberg was born in San Francisco, CA in 1883.

Those were simpler times.

I've always hoped Whoopi Goldberg would marry my friend.

His name is Ben Cushion.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy or sitting in the bar when all of a sudden the Jewish guy walks over and punches the Chinese guy in the face.

"What the hell, man?"
"That was for Pearl harbor, asshole."
"That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, same thing."
The Jewish guy shrugged his shoulders and sat back down to his beer.

A few minutes ago by, when the Chinese guy walks over and punches the Jewish guy ...

Mrs. Goldberg and Mrs. Ginsburg used to be great friends, but eventually they drifted apart

Years later, they bump into each other in the supermarket.

Mrs. Ginsburg says “It’s so great to see you! Tell me, how is Mr. Goldberg?”

Mrs. Goldberg replies “Well you won’t believe what I have to tell you! A few days ago I was making a pot of soup, and it was delicious but I thought ...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

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Goldberg owns a hardware store

He needs something for his idiot son to do, so he puts him in charge of advertising and buy a big billboard on a busy highway.

Next day, Goldberg is driving by the billboard and nearly has an accident when he sees the ad: a picture of Jesus on the cross with the line "They used Goldberg's n...

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress unifor...

Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: “They used Goldberg’s nails.”

His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, “You can’t use that! It will cause antisemitism!"

So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus’s bod...

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A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.

Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"

The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.

"Ah, Korean,...

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A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench...

After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and *smashes* it over the head of the Chinese drunk.

"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!...

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A Chinaman and a Jew were drinking in a bar

when all of a sudden the Jew knocks the Chinaman out of his barstool

Chinaman: “What’s that for?!!”

Jew: “That’s for Pearl Harbor!!”

Chinaman: “That wasn’t us, that was the Japanese!” To which the Jew replies, “Chinese, Japanese, Siamese. they’re all the same!”

They put t...

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An Asian man and a Jewish man walk into a bar

The Asian man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?”

The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg... Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.”

The Asian man, surprised, replies:
“Uhhh... Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.”
...

A restaurant owner wouldn't serve Mel Brooks, Whoopi Goldberg, or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I never expected to see such EGOT-ism in this day and age.

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Goldberg who always dreamed of winning the lottery

There is this very pious Jew named Goldberg who always dreamed of winning the lottery. Every Sabbath, he’d go to synagogue and pray: “God, I have been such a pious Jew all my life. What would be so bad if I won the lottery?”
But the lottery would come and Goldberg wouldn’t win. Week after week, G...

A Jewish guy walking through Chinatown notices a jewelry shop with has a big sign that says - Abe Goldberg jewelry.

He walks in and asks to meet Abe Goldberg. A Chinese man comes out from the back and says - herro, I Abe Golber.

The Jewish guy says, you're Abe Goldberg??? How did you get that name?

The Chinese man tells how when he was at Ellis Island, the guy in line before him was Abe Goldberg. ...

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A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.

"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."

"What do you mean?"

"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"

"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"

"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same th...

Go tell Meyer's wife . . .

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Fink...

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Two jews are walking past an evangelical church...

When they see a sign in the window, "accept Jesus today and we'll give you $10,000"

Goldberg says to his buddy Strausman, "Hey Straussy wait here I'm gonna go rip these goyim out of ten grand!"

"Wait!" Strausman responds, "what if you get sucked in and you lose your faith?!"

"D...

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

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A Jewish man and a Vietnamese man waiting in the doctor's office.

A Vietnamese man and a Jewish man are waiting in the Doctor’s office for an appointment and as the time goes on they become more and more irritated until finally the Jewish man says, “I hate you Vietnamese people!”.

Shocked, the Vietnamese man says, “What in the world would compel you to say ...

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A Chinese man and a Jew are talking

The Jew says "I still haven't forgiven your people for attacking Pearl Harbor."

To which the Chinese man replies, "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese you idiot!"

The Jew says "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"

Then the Chinese man says "You know, I haven't forgiven your...

Guy gets a job as a spy...

He's sent on his first mission, and told that the secret passphrase he has to give to contacts is, "The night-bird flies at dawn."

He's instructed to go to London, head to Piccadilly Circus, and speak to a guy in a purple fedora, busking. So he flies to London, goes to Piccadilly Circus, fin...

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The Pope is walking through the streets of Vatican City...

... and he sees two beggars holding up cans for money. One of them is holding up a Christian cross, and the other a Star of David. The Pope sees that the one with the cross is, of course, getting much more money than the one with the Star of David, with some people only giving money to the Christian...

The visit to Jerusalem

Mr Goldman & his nagging wife of 30 years once went on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. Through out the plane ride, down to the taxi ride to the hotel she nagged him persistently.
While in bed , the nagging continued. The next day Mr Goldberg woke up to discover his wife had died peacefully in her...

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A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument...

A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument when the Jew rears back and punches the Chinaman in the nose. The Chinaman says, "What was that for?"

The Jew responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor you son of a bitch."

The Chinaman looks confused and says, "Pearl Harbor was bombed by th...

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I’ve built a convoluted contraption to shave my balls

I call it the Pube Goldberg Machine

Two guys at a yard sale are chatting, one says “whatcha got there, pal?”

“Fella over there sold me a bunch of dominoes, a paint can, a ball, and a mousetrap”

“What in the hell would you need all that junk for?”

“He said I can use it to crack an egg”

“You’re such a rube, Goldberg”

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A Jewish guy walks into a bar. The Chinese bartender asks him his name...

"I'm Max Goldberg", he says, "what's yours?"
"I'm Wei Zhang, it's nice to meet you."

Mr. Goldberg says, "I'll never forgive you people for bombing Pearl Harbor."
"I'm Chinese. That was the Japanese."
"Chinese, Japanese, all the same to me."

Mr. Zhang says, "I'll never forgive ...

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

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At the urinal

Two man, pissing side by side.

"Sorry sir, do you happen to be of the Jewish faith?"

"Erh... yes I am."

"You are from Krakow?"

"Yes."

"And did you always go to the small synagogue in the Lipowitz Street?"

"Yes, do we know each other?"

"I don't think s...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

So an old Jewish man dies

So an old Jewish man dies and as per his last wish, his son goes to the newspaper publisher and asks, "How much for an obituary in your newspaper?"

Publisher says, "$5 per word".

The son says, "Publish 'Jacob Goldberg Dead' ".

The publisher says, "We require minimum 6 words".<...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

(Thanks Goldbergs)

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A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.

The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor.

The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and con...

Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...

One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fell...

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There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

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A chinese pilot and a jew copilot are flying together for the first time

Since the start of the flight, there was a strange feeling between them, so the chinese guy asks:

Chinese: Do you have a problem with me?

Jew: I sure do, i will never trust you chinese people after what you did to Pearl Harbor.

C: but those were the Japanese, not the chinese....

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A Jew and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar

A Jew and a Chinese man are sitting at a bar. As the Chinese man strikes up a conversation with the Jew, he notices that he is being met with an angry gaze. Mid sentence, the Jew pours his beer over the Chinese man’s head.
“What the hell was that for?” said the Chinese man
“That was for Pear...

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A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are sitting in a bar...

The Jewish guys looks at the Chinese guy, sizes him up, then socks him in the arm.

Chinese guy: "What the hell! What gives?"
Jewish guy: "That was for Peal Harbor"
Chinese guy: "That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese"
Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, same difference"

Offended, but...

A man phones home from his business trip...

His 9yo son answers and says hey.

"Hey buddy, it's dad! Wheres youre mom?"

"I will check", replies the son as he walks to his parents' bedroom and sees his mom in bed with uncle Jim. "She is playing in bed with uncle Jim"

"What?! Uncle Jim?! Tell them I will be right over!" the ...

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A Jewish man walks in to a bar

and sits down to have a drink. After a few drinks a Chinese man came in and sat next to him. The Jewish man immediately turned and punched the other man in the face.

The Chinese man shouted, "You fool! What was that for?" The Jewish man replied, "That's for Pearl Harbor." Chinese man said, "Y...

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A man on an airplane

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he bl...

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