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Rodney Jokes

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My Wife Likes to Talk After Sex

But I wish she’d stop calling from hotel rooms.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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Rodney Dangerfield gem

I had group sex the other day and didn’t know who to thank

Rodney Dangerfield joke

I have a new girlfriend. Thankfully, she loves me for my money and my fame. Not for who I am.

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

My doctor he dont help either, he told me to run 5 Miles a Day for two weeks

I called him up I said "Doc im 70 miles from my house"


-Rodney Dangerfield

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfield (1921-2004)

No Respect

"A girl phoned me up the other day and said, 'Come on over, no one is home.'

I went over there.

And nobody was home!"

Rodney Dangerfield

What are some of your favourites from Mr. No Respect?

Rodney Dangerfield joke

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike.

She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

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Rodney Dangerfield: "Y'know, my wife and I, we never have sex...

... we get undressed, we can't stop laughing."

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Alternative Ventriloquist

Dude goes into see a talent agent. He says to him "I have got a great act for you. We will make a fortune."

"Ok, fine, tell me what you do."

"I can talk and sing out of my arsehole."

"Wow! Ok show me!"

Dude jumps up on the agent's desk, drops his trousers, and curls out a...

Thanks, Rodney

(Assume the Dangerfield voice) "My wife and me don't get along too good, y'know? She said she was gonna cut me down to once a month. Once a month!

"Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. I know two guys she cut off completely!"

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

Some of the responses I get on Reddit make me feel like Rodney Dangerfield...

Dead.

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A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick."

A guy is fairly new at his job and he says to his boss at the end of the day "I won't be here tomorrow, boss, I'm sick." The boss thought he was joking and paid it no mind.
The next day, sure enough he wasn't at work. The boss calls him and says "What are you doing? Why aren't you at work?:
...

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Porn

The estate of Rodney Dangerfield has recently started a campaign against internet scammers.

If the scammers don’t send Rodney Dangerfield’s estate money, they are threatening to send the scammers nude pictures of Rodney Dangerfield.

No respect!

Determination

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

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Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(


Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield

A couple came up to Rodney Dangerfield for an autograph. Trying to make small talk, they said "Whaddya think? We just got married!"

Rodney: "You both could've done better!"

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

I think my wife is cheating on me with my best friend...

...he’s been pretty miserable lately.”


-Rodney Dangerfield

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

I'm getting old!

I just had my 54th birthday and I couldn't even blow out my candles.......the heat drove me back!



(this is an old Rodney Dangerfield joke)

Witch doctor

A man walks into a bar and says, ''Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.'' Bartender says, ''You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?'' The guy says, ''Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here.'' He...

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I called my wife from work and said "Honey, I've been thinking about our sex life and I'm getting excited!"

She said "Who IS this?!"

(Rodney Dangerfield)

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy so I told him I want a second opinion.

He said, “Okay, you’re ugly too.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid

But I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...”

So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

~Rodney Dangerfield

The only problem with having an orgy is,

you don’t know who to thank afterwards..

- The late great Rodney Dangerfield..

The Hangover

Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks
around the room and sees that it...

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bad day today

I put on my shirt, a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!

Credit Rodney Dangerfield

I Don’t Get No Respect

I went into a bar and asked for a double. The bartender went into the back and came out with a guy who looked like me.
-Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife if shed like me to be in the room with her when she delivered our child

She said "Why? It's not like you were in the room when she was concieved.

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

I know my wife cheats on me, when I come home our parrot says: “quick!, out the window!”

Rodney Dangerfield

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"I'm so ugly, I only get girls because of who I am"

" A rapist"



- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That we'd have wait for Grampa to sneeze to get something to hang on the Christmas tree.

(Thanks Rodney)

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A great Vacation

One day, at little Hill mental institution in NY, nurse Nancy was making her rounds and checking on the patients. She comes to Bob's room and takes a peek inside to make sure everything is alright. Bob is folding all of his clothes and everything in his room is laid out neatly on the bed. Being unus...

Going into open heart surgery

I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??

He said, if all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]

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My wife met me at the front door wearing sexy lingerie

The only trouble was, she was coming home.
- joke stole from the great Rodney Dangerfield

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My doctor wanted a stool sample a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I gave him my underwear.

Classic Rodney D

Was in a chinese restaurant....

opened the fortune cookie.

Inside was the guy's check next to me.

I said, "Hey buddy, I got your check."

He said thanks.

(Classic from Rodney Dangerfield)

My mother never breast fed me...

she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Is there someone else?

I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes.
I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’ 

-- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was little I got lost at the fair. I got a policeman to help me look for my parents.

I asked him if we would find my parents. He said I don't know kid.... there's so many places they could hide.

Credit goes to Rodney Dangerfield.

You could tell my parents hated me...

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (RIP Rodney Dangerfield)

What a kid I got

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'

This is how good my dog is, LOL.

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a small town.

I come from a town where the population never changes. Everytime a kid is born, some guy leaves town.

Old Rodney Dangerfield...

Reason for Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Tom.

We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.

"Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce."

I was stunned.

"Why?

What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well," he said, "ever since...

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

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