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Rodney Dangerfield gem

I had group sex the other day and didn’t know who to thank

Rodney Dangerfield joke

I have a new girlfriend. Thankfully, she loves me for my money and my fame. Not for who I am.

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

Some of the responses I get on Reddit make me feel like Rodney Dangerfield...


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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

A couple came up to Rodney Dangerfield for an autograph. Trying to make small talk, they said "Whaddya think? We just got married!"

Rodney: "You both could've done better!"

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Rodney Dangerfield: "Y'know, my wife and I, we never have sex...

... we get undressed, we can't stop laughing."

A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"

(Credit: Rodney Dangerfield)

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

I went into a bar and said to the bartender, “Surprise me...”

So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

~Rodney Dangerfield

Rodney Dangerfield joke

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike.

She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

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My wife and I decided to curb our smoking habit a bit by only smoking after sex.

I havnt touched a cigarette in 10 years and shes up to 2 packs a day.

RIP Rodney.

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My wife said she wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

and she wanted me to drive

-The late Rodney Dangerfeild (1921-2004)

I Don’t Get No Respect

I went into a bar and asked for a double. The bartender went into the back and came out with a guy who looked like me.
-Rodney Dangerfield

Thanks, Rodney

(Assume the Dangerfield voice) "My wife and me don't get along too good, y'know? She said she was gonna cut me down to once a month. Once a month!

"Yeah, I guess it's not so bad. I know two guys she cut off completely!"

I found out my wife was having an affair with the butcher.

I walked into his shop and said to him, "Who told you you could sleep with my wife?"

He said, "Everybody."

Rodney Dangerfield

My girlfriend called me up. She said, "Come over there's nobody home...

I went over.There was nobody home.

Rodney Dangerfield

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

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Wife told me she wants to have sex in the back of the car...

She asked me if I could drive :-(

Credit to Legend Rodney Dangerfield

I know my wife cheats on me, when I come home our parrot says: “quick!, out the window!”

Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That we'd have wait for Grampa to sneeze to get something to hang on the Christmas tree.

(Thanks Rodney)

Going into open heart surgery

I asked the doctor how long am I going to be in the hospital??

He said, if all goes well, about a week... if it doesn't, about 30 minutes..

[credit: Rodney Dangerfield]

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"I'm so ugly, I only get girls because of who I am"

" A rapist"

- Rodney Dangerfield

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the ...

I asked my wife if shed like me to be in the room with her when she delivered our child

She said "Why? It's not like you were in the room when she was concieved.

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I told him I wanted another opinion..

He said fine, you’re ugly too

-Rodney Dangerfield

Digging a hole

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along b...

The Hangover

Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks
around the room and sees that it...

Was in a chinese restaurant....

opened the fortune cookie.

Inside was the guy's check next to me.

I said, "Hey buddy, I got your check."

He said thanks.

(Classic from Rodney Dangerfield)

Is there someone else?

I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes.
I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’ 

-- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was little I got lost at the fair. I got a policeman to help me look for my parents.

I asked him if we would find my parents. He said I don't know kid.... there's so many places they could hide.

Credit goes to Rodney Dangerfield.

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Today just wasn't my day.

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..

*[as told by Rodney Dangerfield]*

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My wife met me at the front door wearing sexy lingerie

The only trouble was, she was coming home.
- joke stole from the great Rodney Dangerfield

You could tell my parents hated me...

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. (RIP Rodney Dangerfield)

My mother never breast fed me...

she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'

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My doctor wanted a stool sample a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I gave him my underwear.

Classic Rodney D

I come from a small town.

I come from a town where the population never changes. Everytime a kid is born, some guy leaves town.

Old Rodney Dangerfield...

Reason for Divorce

The other day at work I ran into Tom.

We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me.

"Rodney," he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce."

I was stunned.


What happened, you two seem so happy together."

"Well," he said, "ever since...

This is how good my dog is, LOL.

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield

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A great Vacation

One day, at little Hill mental institution in NY, nurse Nancy was making her rounds and checking on the patients. She comes to Bob's room and takes a peek inside to make sure everything is alright. Bob is folding all of his clothes and everything in his room is laid out neatly on the bed. Being unus...

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