When Chuck Norris updates Windows

...Microsoft accepts his terms and conditions

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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Chuck Norris is always on top during sex

Because Chuck Norris never fucks up

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a restaurant, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can ...

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper..

But it wouldn't take shit from anybody

Chuck Norris came into contact with the Coronavirus

The virus is now in quarantine for at least 14 days.

To this day I still tell Chuck Norris jokes.

He’s a good friend of mine and enjoys a good joke.

Chuck Norris can cut a slice of bread

.. in just one half.

When Chuck Norris gets suncream on his skin...

The sun is protected from him

Chuck Norris doesn't turn the water on for his shower...

He stares at it until it cries.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity.

Twice.

Chuck Norris

They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911?

What's your emergency?

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Chuck Norris once pissed in a semi truck

From that day forward that truck was known as optimus prime

Chuck Norris was signing an autograph for a little boy

Chuck Norris was signing an autograph for a little boy.

"How old are you little boy?"

"I'm 5 years old"

Chuck Norris said, "When I was your age I was 7."

Chuck Norris mines crypto currency

by hand.

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby.

Once in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki...

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

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A fucking Chuck Norris joke I made when I was 7

What happens when Chuck Norris kicks the bucket?

He breaks a couple floors

The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet...

...he finished it.

Do you know where Chuck Norris stands on White Nationalists?

On their necks.

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Chuck Norris once visited Virginia

Now it's called just "ia"

Why did Chuck Norris cross the Road?

Well, the road wasn’t going to cross Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once performed a table flip.

Ever since Atlantis is considered a myth.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,

he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris caught COVID.

But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

Chuck Norris Joke

A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones a...

Yoda and Chuck Norris got into a fight

Eversince then, Yoda has been speaking backward

Chuck Norris has a bear rug

No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.

Because all of his genes are dominant.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower,

he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

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Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?

By shaving with them.

Chuck Norris wears a mask not because he has to protect himself from Corona Virus.

He wears it so Corona Virus can protect itself from him.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?

The Three-Hole Punch...

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?

“You’re the man of the house now”

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house

Cold and wind don't dare to come in

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A guy asked me: Who is this Chuck Norris guy?

Well, in short: He build the house he was born in by his aunt because no one dared to screw his mom. In his youth he molested catholic priests after that he joined the army where He was a well known Kamikaze pilot for about 7 times. He made fire with a magnifying glass under water at night and coun...

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...

It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast...

...at ate a glock every morning.

Chuck Norris is a coward!

If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my keybakwue hr<awjd <akreu<an<awlkuhnc<a kjdqw;eoim

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago.

...But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.

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Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19 and has gone on record to his fans as saying "I'm going to kick the shit out of this thing."

After the quote, millions of people worldwide who fear they may be carrying the virus have begun hoarding toilet paper to await the inevitable.

So Chuck Norris is going to Area 51

We’re now 1.2 million infantrymen and 1 chuck norris strong. Our plan of attack is to send 400,000 from the east, 400,000 from the west, 400,000 from the south and Chuck Norris from the North.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79

But Death is too scared to let him know.

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When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity,

he got it back!

So an English man, an American, an Asian, a blonde, Chuck Norris and Yo momma walk into a bar...

The barman asks...




Is this some kind of joke?

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

I don't believe Chuck Norris is that great

Cuz if he was, he would show up right now, and slam my head all over my keasdhjaiosdcnhq09w8hjkoldq0i9 wdhj09qw daU9 10Q9WDJ09W3Q21JD QWD

Chuck Norris isn't that tough...

If he was he'd come here and mash my face into my keyboarfnfjdjfhnjdfyxydbdhxhdhd

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite,
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

How come there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but none about Clint Eastwood?

Clint Eastwood is no joke.

Chuck Norris joke cause it's been a long time.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris posted on /r/jokes.

It was original content.

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.

The black hole couldn't escape.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?

He's on a round house kick.

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Chuck Norris Facts!

-can lift up a chair with one hand... While he's sitting on it.

-can make scissors beat rock.

-when he's looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough
to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

-can unscramble eggs.

-counted t...

Waldo once insulted chuck norris

And we all know how that's going

Chuck Norris once challenged Keanu Reeves to a fight.

Before Chuck could land a punch, Keanu put Chuck to sleep by treating him out to a nice dinner, a couple glasses of wine, and read him a bedtime story.

Chuck Norris jokes

When Chuck Norris' code throws exceptions, it's across the room.

Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. And then the grenade exploded....

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

Some Chuck Norris Jokes

- Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.

- Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people. Then the grenade exploded.

- When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.

- Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush...

Chuck Norris got bitten by a King Cobra

And after 5 agonizing days of pain.

The cobra died

I know what happened before the Big Bang...

Chuck Norris ate a can of beans

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