UPJOKE
helengiven namemeredithfemaleelizabethgreeceeileenalanelaineveraallenrivhelenealainirene

Ellen Jokes

What did the reddit user say to the CEO of reddit Ellen Pao

[This Post was Removed]

A joke most likely to get me banned by Ellen Pao

So, a man walks into a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

The flattered woman replies, "You really think so?"

The guy says, "Oh of course! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

I asked Ellen for money, She said no

I always knew she was De-Generes

Did you hear Ellen Degeneres died?

They found her face down in Ricki Lake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

Jet Fuel can't melt Ellen Pao

[User was banned for this post]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm not saying Ellen Pao is Hitler but..

I haven't seen the two of them in the same room..

Ellen Pao is actually right and we should respect her decisions

^jk ^lol

Me on the Ellen show

Ellen: So I heard you like nothing

Me: Yup

Ellen: “the void starts swallowing up the entire studio”

Me: OMG Ellen you didn’t!

What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong Un?

Kim Jong Un has control over his country.

Ellen has so much bad press about how entitled she is

That the network is renaming her program The Karen Show.

Grandpas joke: Ellen's church recognition

Ellen was very involved with her church and community projects. So much so, the paster decided to recognize her efforts during Sunday service.

Paster Davis: I'd like to take a moment to recognize Ellen for her hard work and contributions. Ellen come up here and take a bow.

Ellen smi...

I just met a girl named ellen

she's the complete inverse of my e^(x)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ellen

In a poll for the audience, Ellen asks for a show of hands how often they have sex with their partners.

She asks, "Two or three times a week?" Some hands go up

Then, "Once a week?" Some other hands go up.

To be facetious, "Once a year?"

A gentlemen in the back shoots up ...

Make no mistake, Ellen DeGeneres could never take down Dwayne Johnson...

The Rock always beats scissors.

Ellen should give away more stuff

Then rename her show Ellen the Generous.

I'd sit on Ellen Pao's face...

... Just so I wouldn't have to look at it.

Why doesn't Ellen have a cooking segment?

She's always eating out

How many Ellen Paos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The mods do that for her.

Difference between Ellen Pao and Kim Jong-un.

One is tyrannical and ruthless dictator, who destroys each and every opposition and other is supreme leader of North Korea.

How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground?

I thought Asian women couldn't drive ಠ_ಠ

Why does Ellen Pao play so much tennis?

Its the only place she can get love.

Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA?

General Pao's chicken.

What's the difference between Reddit CEO Ellen Pao, and Yoko Ono?

.....about 40 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I owe my life to Ellen Pao.

I got in a horrible car crash and I was in a coma for 6 months. One day my nurse walked in and placed a photo of Ellen Pao on the desk next to me. I awoke from my coma, got up and threw that shit away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cutback

Ellen and Jack worked for a small company owned by Bob.
Hard times hit and Bob was having to cut back.
He called a meeting and looking directly at Ellen stated “I’ve got to lay you or Jack off.”
Ellen replied “Well you gonna have to Jack off then, cause I got a headache.”

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Ellen Pao walks into [this content violates our ban on anti-reddit propoganda policy and his thus been banned ]

*Admin Note:*

*The next user to make a joke about our glorious leader Ellen Pao shall be banned along with the offending subreddit.*

*Signed:*

*Grand Vizier Hippo Hamburger*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guess it's true that you are what you eat

After all, Ellen Degeneres turned out to be a cunt

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, De...

Some celebrity’s have their own theme songs

Like Ellen with I’m coming out, or Bill Cosby with I wanna be sedated

A man goes to church by himself one Sunday, leaving his wife at home who had a cold.

Upon his return from church, his wife noticed that he had two black eyes. “What in the world happened to you??”

The man explained, sheepishly, “Well, we stood up for the first hymn and there in the pew in front of me was Sue Ellen. Don’t you know, she was wearing one of them dresses she wears...

Where did the coffee bean find his soul mate?

Grinder

(Thanks, Ellen)

why was the computer late to work?

because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

What does apathy sound like?

I'm Ellen Pao, AMA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bad E-mail Addresses

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.