Safer Jokes

It's safer than walking alone.

But everyone who's ever done life has died.

The local chicken shack changed its name in honor of the occasion. They're now Raisin HurriCanes.

If you don't believe me, let me hit you on the head with a cigarette.

Because going to the front line was safer than trying to open his hotel room window.

When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
“Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you sta... read more

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<... read more

One said to the other “is this whiskey?” The other said “yeah it’s whiskey but it’s safer than wobbing a bank”.

Julie didn't come home one night. When her husband Tom asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house.

Tom was a bit suspicious so he called her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.

The following week Tom didn't come home one night. Jul... read more

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

Probably safer than letting them drive.

1. A ladder - This will get you the highest, no doubt.
2. A step stool - This won't get you as high but it is good for a quick, short high.
3. A Barstool - this one is a but more trippy and unsafe, but can work if you don't have safer ways to get high.

I really should find a safer place to finish this wicker basket…

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s... read more

Bugs Bunny asked Daffy, "Is this whiskey?"

Daffy answered, "Of course it's whiskey, but it's safer than wobbing a bank"

The man who invented cats’ eyes to make the roads safer at night got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights.

If the cat had been going the other way, he would’ve invented the pencil sharpener.

He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

They get to talking about how good big dogs are because they can make good guard dogs.

One of the guys says "I preferred my old chihuahua pebbles better. And no other dog made me feel safer! He died killing a rabid full grown doberman for me!"

The other guys are confused and ask how th... read more

A stats professor drives to the airport, to catch a flight to his next conference. As he is going through security, TSA discovers a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. He is hauled off immediately for interrogation.

"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accompl... read more

Wlodek, a rural farmer, has decided that might be safer not keeping his money under the mattress. So he takes his horse and cart and goes off to the nearest town to talk to the bank.
"Right," says Wlodek, "I want to make sure my 50 zlotys are safe. Like, what happens if someone robs you and takes... read more

... in Poland. He announced that he had withdrawn his entire fortune, 100,000 zlotys, from the bank, invested it in gold bars, and put them into a safe in his house.

This was back when a zloty was worth something, so the other patrons immediately started to argue with him:

"You're an ... read more

A rich, eccentric man wanted to invest his money, and keep it safe.

He decided to invest in antique furniture, but not just any furniture. He would buy the best and fanciest chairs that could be found only in the finest castles of the world.

He wanted to be sure his collection... read more

1. A Student Dunce Goes Swimming

"A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim."

2 An Intellectual Visits a Friend

"An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man... read more