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Thankful Jokes

Be thankful for midwives

They really help people out

I am really thankful to the person who invented the flashlight.

It helped me get through some dark times in my life.

Thankful shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns...

A thankful Spanish man falls on his rear and slides down a hill.

Gracias

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an angry but thankful japanese Cat?

Domo Aggrocato

I’m so thankful for the people who deliver pizza

I’ve always hated liver!

What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving?

vegetarians!

I’m so thankful for auto correct

Otherwise I’d be ducking up everything.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

I'm thankful for Donald Trump

Even on bad days, I have something to laugh at.

Thankful for all the health care workers during this pandemic

Without dem, it would be a panic.

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Nothing says you are thankful like

going shopping for more shit.

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Thankful for her virginity

A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed:

"I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity"

She gave a naughty smile and said

" KISS MY ASS"

Just be thankful COVID-19 wasn't instead named East Asian Respiratory Syndrome.

"Dude, don't touch her. She has EARS!"

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

I was so thankful....

I couldn't thank my friend enough for getting me into fight club.
"Don't mention it!", he said.

Family coming for holidays always make me thankful...

....that alcohol is cheap and legal.

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of...

I'm really thankful that Disney/Pixar brought us Toy Story

It means I can go to Toys R Us and walk out with a Woody without it being awkward.

50 cent gave Eminem a really high quality sweater for xmas. EMINEM was super thankful and said to him

GEE, YOU KNIT.

Who knew.

What do you call a thankful German piece of internet content?

Danke, meme.

This Thanksgiving, we are reminded of the one universal thing that we should all be thankful for

Those that sort by new

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

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What did the thankful Japanese man name his half-Jewish half-Mexican cat?

Arigato

(Credit to my brother who just made it up)

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

Do you ever wake up kissing the person next to you just thankful to be alive?

Apparently I do and I'm now banned from flying.

I thankfully wasn’t close to my father when he died..

He stepped on a Land Mine.

My wife called me last night and told me if I wasn't home in 10 minutes then she was giving the meal she cooked for me to the dog. Thankfully I managed to make it home in 8 minutes.

The dog deserves much better than that.

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As today Jews worship "Yom Hazikaron laShoah ve-laG'vurah" - "Holocaust and Heroism Remembrance Day" - I am actually thankful that a good number of my friends are Nazis.

The number is zero, and that is indeed a good and proper number.

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I used to be a boob doctor (yes that is the technical term)…

There were a lot of good times and a lot of bad times


A lot of ups and downs



But over all, I’m thankful for all the mammaries

I am a parent of a one year old and I support anti vaxxer parents and super thankful of them.

They help me eliminate future competition that my kid will go against. From fortnite to Harvard.

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