UPJOKE
pensivesadyearningnostalgicdreamymelancholymelancholicmournfulpoignantintrospectivecheerysentimentalbittersweetsappyplaintive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:


"We tried, but nobody would take you"

My wheelchair bound grandpa is in the nursing home.

I went to visit him for the first time. As we’re discussing the local baseball team, he starts slowly leaning to the right in his chair. A nurse come running over and straightens him back up.

As the topic turns to football, he slowly starts leaning to the left. The same nurse rushes over to s...

A Redditor became a chemist and decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well received and made him millions, but which had the unfortuna...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men sit on a bench (NSFW)

Two old men sit on a bench chatting about their relationships. The first man moans how his wife never wants sex and has been turning him down for years.

He eventually turns to the other man and sighs,

"Well, anyway, how's that new wife of yours?"

The second man breathes deeply ...

Napoleon at the annual military parade in Moscow

Napoleon is at the annual military parade in Moscow, alongside Putin, engrossed in reading a newspaper.
At his side, Marshal Ney blurts out to him "Your Majesty, look! If only we had such guns, we would not lose Waterloo!"
Napoleon keeps reading. Ney blurts out again, "Your Majesty,...

The old man and Pagliacci

An old man deep in despair went to see his favorite comedian, the great clown Pagliacci.

After the show, the old man made his way backstage and found Pagliacci.

“Pagliacci,” the old man said. “I have always admired your work, and your set tonight was magnificent.”

“I’m humbled, ...

Two guys walking past a dog licking his balls.

One guy says wistfully, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy says, "Maybe you should try petting him first."

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

A 70-year-old, an 80-year-old, and an 90-year-old are discussing how they want to die.

A 70-year-old, an 80-year-old, and an 90-year-old man are sitting in a bar discussing how each of them wants to die. The 70-year-old says, "I want to die in a sudden car accident -- you never know what hits you, and it's over in an instant." The 80-year-old says, "I want to die in a plane crash -- y...

Two Hobos

Two hobos were walking down the tracks. They encounter a mangy old dog sitting in the middle of the tracks, contorted into that weird position and licking his nuts. One hobo says wistfully, “Gee, I wish could do that.” His companion replies, “Well, maybe you should start by petting him first.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are out hiking...

Bob and Larry are out hiking when Bob has to take a leak. He unzips and starts peeing against a tree when a snake bites him right on the penis. He's affected immediately and starts convulsing in pain.

Larry calls 911 and says, "Help me! My best friend in the whole world just got bitten by a s...

Last night I went on a blind date with an attractive woman

It started off great, with easy small talk at the restaurant. She asked about my job. I told her entrepreneur. She asked what I liked most about my job. I replied, 'freedom.' We started to get in that comfortable groove.

"My daddy always told me, " she said, with a far away look and wistful ...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel...

A Texas rancher was visiting a farmer in Israel. The proud Israeli showed him around. "Here is where I grow tomatoes, cucumbers, and squash. Over there I built a play set for my kids, next to the doghouse," the farmer said.

The land was tiny, and the Texan was surprised by its small size. "Is...

A most interesting fellow

A man is walking down the street and runs into a rather strange looking fellow. He's wearing a dark hood obscuring much of his face, so he goes to investigate. He soon realizes that the hooded figure had no face at all.

"Excuse me, sir," the man asked the hooded figure, "do you mind taking o...

Kids Today

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'
<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.