UPJOKE
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I'm not really fond of massages

It just rubs me the wrong way

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages….

Now we’re making money hand over fist

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

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Massage therapist at the bank

I man was waiting in at his bank and he started massaging the shoulders of the man standing in front of him. The man turned around and said, "What are you doing?!" The massage therapist said, "Oh, I'm a massage therapist and I thought I'd get some practice in while I waited in line." The other man s...

Where do cows go to get a chest massage?

Huddersfield

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

Wife was massaging her husband's head.

Wife : you always ask for a head massage. Wonder who gave it to you before marriage.

Husband : well no one did , I didn't need one since there was no headache!

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

What do you call someone who only hires male masseurs?

A massage-onist.


(OC)

Why did 1/5th get a massage?

Because he was 2/10’s

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Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

A Man Goes for a Massage

A man decides to treat himself to a massage after a very long week and visits his local Thai massage parlour.

Everything is going well until about halfway through when he starts to get an erection. The very attractive masseuse notices his condition and asks him "You want tug tug?". What the...

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Bill Gates was invited to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.

After arrival Bill Gates was shown to a room with a rather young looking masseuse. The girl instructed Bill Gates to disrobe for a massage and one thing lead to another and they ended up having sex. Afterwards the masseuse said “I always wondered why you called your company Microsoft but now I know”

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A man's wife falls into a coma...

And after sitting by her side for several weeks the man finally has a new doctor give him some advice.

Doctor: Sometimes patients respond when they are given physical stimuli. What do you think about a massage.

Man: ok, I'll give her feet a rub.

After a few minutes the woman let...

What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common?

You always know you’re getting a happy ending.

What do you call unintentional penetration while giving a back massage?

Accident Prone

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way.

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My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook, I’ve got to clean, it’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

I had a Thai massage at the weekend...

Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I...

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A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...

She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.

She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her...

What’s the difference between a bar and a massage parlor?

At a bar, the nuts are free.

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Two conmen are pretending to be massage therapists

After successfully conning someone they return to a shop they use as their massage parlour.

One day a cop shows up to investigate them, but one of them is out on lunch break.

When he returns he comes back to find that the massage parlour is filled with people and he turns to ask his pa...

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

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Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.

I’m a guy myself but heard he was the best.

Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, “Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?”

Alex said, “Yes, happens all the time.”
...

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

I was driving by a Thai massage place with my friend...

He glanced over at the place and laughed, I asked him what was so funny and he told me

“Hah, they spelt “Thigh” wrong”

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an erection normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

I'm going to make an all male massage parlor.

I'll call it The Massagynist

I suspect the motor in my massage chair is starting to go...

It’s been giving me some bad vibes.

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Getting my first massage was a lot like losing my virginity

I wasn't sure when to get naked, there were a lot of elbows for some reason, and I bet getting it from a girl would hurt way less.

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A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.

He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the ta...

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

Massaging the wife

Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.

American : Thats nothing! Last...

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Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.

Side note- female here, was having a non-sexual massage in a mall yesterday, from a little Asian lady who was probably in her late 50s. Somehow it was almost a happy ending, although unintentionally on both sides. As I was lying there wondering what t...

This woman keeps going to HR to try to get me fired for giving her "inappropriate" massages. Good luck with that.

I don't even work here.

If someone massages your scalp in the shower or something like that

Just say thank you




You don't need to ask,"who are you?" Or "how did you get in here?"

"Massage pinis."

Sam during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself.

After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage pinis".

Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseur again said, "Ma...

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Two guys are driving down a highway

The guy in the passenger seat asks the driver to pull over cuss he need to take a piss. They pull over and the guy gets out to take his piss. Suddenly the guy in the car hears a scream and runs over

Turns out his friend got bitten by a snake in the dick. The first guy calls his dad who is a ...

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The Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her...

My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched

[just wrote this one] Political Massage

So I went to this masseur. Great reputation. People say he’s good with his hands.

We get down to business, and he starts asking me about politics.

He asks, “So are you for states or against states? You’ll get a different massage depending on your answer.”

I guess he’s probably a...

My wife recently asked me to give her a rough massage

But I told her I wouldn't because I didn't want to come across as massagenistic.

People say that massages can calm down pets, so I gave my dog a massage

He didn’t seem all that into it, not sure if it was the candles or the smooth jazz.

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

It says here on your resume that you were a m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

[OC] A man was getting a massage.

The masseuse asks him, “Are you tight in your neck?” 

He replies, “No I will not be.”

“How about your back?”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Your legs?”

“No I have.”

“Your feet?”

“No I will.”

The masseuse gives the man his massage, and find that he is tight in...

When it comes to massage parlors

Some customers are a handful.

One of those seedy massage parlors opened up across my kid’s school.

After couple of months of outrage and protesting. We finally did it and closed that school down.

I know what you’re thinking, finally a happy ending OC joke.

Did you hear about that shady massage parlor run by bears?

Yeah, turns out it was just a front for honey laundering

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Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The ...

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.




Edit: Thought about it more. Initial phrasing was to bait out "happy ending" responses, but I feel like this would probably be better:

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?

How much was knead...

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I went to this massage parlor

This beautiful Philippine lady was giving me a rub. She had great hands and a soft voice. I kept thinking to myself "don't get a boner, dont get a boner"

And then she did.

You should get a foot massage

They are good for the soul

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

I want to invest in massage parlors

I've heard that their turnover rate is pretty high.

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A poor man goes to a sex club

After standing in line to get in het gets to the doorman. "What can I get for $5" the poor man says.

"You can get into the mystery room" says the doorman and he proceeds to lead the poor man to a door. Once he opens the door he sees a big round chamber with in the middle a donkey with a small...

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

I wonder is perineal massages help.

I’m personally torn on the matter.

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A newly wed deaf couple are setting ground rules on their honeymoon.

The bride says, “If you want to have sex with me massage my breasts. If you don’t tap my belly.”

The groom says, “That’s a great idea! If you want to have sex with me tug my penis, if you don’t tug it a 100 times.”

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.

*"Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?"* he asked.

*"To make myself beautiful,"* said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

*"What's the matter?"* he asked.

*"Are you giving up?"*

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My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have."
Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.

My hot dislexic co-worker said she had an important massage to give me in her office...

When I got there, she told me it can wait until I put on some clothes.

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My wife's favorite client invited us to his house.

Everyone had a great time but I thought it was strange when I realized he didn't have piano. My wife's a massage therapist and had mentioned that they frequently ended their sessions with entertainment provided by the pianist.

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I don’t think I’m going to go back to my massage therapist.

He just kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

What's a BBQ pit master's least favorite massage?

A dry rub.

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently.

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently. He requested for two masseurs, one for him and another for his wife.

After massaging the man for a long time, the Thai massuer said, "Massage pinis". He kept ghastly quiet pretending not to have heard it.

Again, the massuer repeated h...

What's the name for a person that only gives massages to men?

A massagonist.

I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups.

Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

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So I was at a massage parlor...

During the "happy ending" the lady kept saying

"Wow, your dick is sooooo huge, its the biggest I've ever felt!"

I told her "I appreciate it, miss, but we both know you are just pulling my leg"

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My left butt cheek was hurting pretty bad earlier, so I asked my girlfriend to massage it for me. I told her...

that I didn't want it half-assed.

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

What did the bread say after its massage?

Ahh, I kneaded that.

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A man is lined up to putt on the 8th hole with some friends

Out of nowhere a ball comes flying in and hits him. The man doubles over cursing and clutching his hands tightly to his crotch. His friends giggle at his misfortune as a woman comes running over apologizing.

"Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry. I didn't see you gentleman when I teed off!"

T...

I went to a massage parlor today...

When it was time for the happy ending, I finished in 20 seconds. The massause said I need to come more often.

I got kicked out of a massage parlor the other day.

Apparently the prostate isn't considered "deep tissue."

It's Not That I Didn't Like The Prostate Exam,

It's just the way he massages my shoulders while he's doing it.

A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service

Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

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