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Massage Jokes

Wife was massaging her husband's head.

Wife : you always ask for a head massage. Wonder who gave it to you before marriage.

Husband : well no one did , I didn't need one since there was no headache!

A man goes into a Massage Parlor for his first Thai Massage

He's a little nervous because he's never gotten one before.

Before they start the woman asks him if he has any questions.

He says, "What should I expect?"

She replies, "Well you'll wear loose, comfortable clothing and lie on a mat. Traditional Thai massage uses no oils or lotio...

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The Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her...

I asked my masseuse if it was normal to get an erection during my massage

He said it was perfectly normal. I said, “Ok, but could you at least stop bumping it into me?”

Last night I massaged my wife

Italian: Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French: Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 20 minutes.

Indian : That's nothing. Last ni...

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I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way.

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an erection normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

What do you call a masseuse that only massages men?

A massogynist

Did'ya hear about the BBQ pitmaster who got a really bad massage?

It was all his fault though, he asked for a "Dry Rub."

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

I'm going to make an all male massage parlor.

I'll call it The Massagynist

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel...

Where do cows go to get a chest massage?

Huddersfield

"Massage pinis."

Sam during a vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room. One for his wife and one for himself.

After massaging Sam for a while, the Thai girl said, "Massage pinis".

Sam felt awkward, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The Thai masseur again said, "Ma...

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Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The ...

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Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.

I’m a guy myself but heard he was the best.

Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, “Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?”

Alex said, “Yes, happens all the time.”
...

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Massage therapist at the bank

I man was waiting in at his bank and he started massaging the shoulders of the man standing in front of him. The man turned around and said, "What are you doing?!" The massage therapist said, "Oh, I'm a massage therapist and I thought I'd get some practice in while I waited in line." The other man s...

What do you call someone that hates massages?

Massage-ynistic

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A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.

He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the ta...

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages….

Now we’re making money hand over fist

Why did 1/5th get a massage?

Because he was 2/10’s

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Getting my first massage was a lot like losing my virginity

I wasn't sure when to get naked, there were a lot of elbows for some reason, and I bet getting it from a girl would hurt way less.

I had a Thai massage at the weekend...

Nothing dodgy - the wife had a token for one of those health clubs. So I strips down to my birthday suit and lie face down on the table. This very petite, but very gorgeous Thai girl comes in and starts to give me a very firm yet very relaxing massage. She’s totally stunning and as I’m lying there I...

If you date a woman only for her massage skills...

Would it be considered massagenistic?

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My wife is studying to become a massage therapist

All she wants to do is study and practice. I’ve got to cook, I’ve got to clean, it’s tough.

But I have to say, at the end of the day, it does feel nice to be kneaded

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Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

People say that massages can calm down pets, so I gave my dog a massage

He didn’t seem all that into it, not sure if it was the candles or the smooth jazz.

Just before breaking up with them, I would treat all my exes to mani-pedis, massages, and give them some spending money.

Father always taught me to leave stuff in better condition than how I found it.

So I was rubbing down this broad at my massage therapy job, and I asked if her husband was paying.

She asked if i was a misogynist.

I said "Listen honey, its pronounced masseuse."

What do you call unintentional penetration while giving a back massage?

Accident Prone

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Why is a massage like a fairy tale?

They're both better with a happy ending.

Side note- female here, was having a non-sexual massage in a mall yesterday, from a little Asian lady who was probably in her late 50s. Somehow it was almost a happy ending, although unintentionally on both sides. As I was lying there wondering what t...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

It says here on your resume that you were a m-m-misogynist?

"Yes, I used to give massages."

"OHH! I was confused because--"

"Because you're a woman?"

What’s the difference between a bar and a massage parlor?

At a bar, the nuts are free.

A Thai Massage

A couple who once on their vacation to Thailand, ordered a Thai massage for themselves.

After providing a relaxing and invigorating massage, the masseuse asked, "Sir? Massage Peenis?".

The man looked sheepish, but kept quiet, looking shiftily at his wife.

The masseuse asked agai...

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I went to this massage parlor

This beautiful Philippine lady was giving me a rub. She had great hands and a soft voice. I kept thinking to myself "don't get a boner, dont get a boner"

And then she did.

When it comes to massage parlors

Some customers are a handful.

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

I was driving by a Thai massage place with my friend...

He glanced over at the place and laughed, I asked him what was so funny and he told me

“Hah, they spelt “Thigh” wrong”

My friends surprised me with a massage for my bachelor party today.

I was really touched

A Man Goes for a Massage

A man decides to treat himself to a massage after a very long week and visits his local Thai massage parlour.

Everything is going well until about halfway through when he starts to get an erection. The very attractive masseuse notices his condition and asks him "You want tug tug?". What the...

I always wait a couple of weeks after a new massage parlor opens before letting them touch me.

Gotta let them work the kinks out.

[OC] A man was getting a massage.

The masseuse asks him, “Are you tight in your neck?” 

He replies, “No I will not be.”

“How about your back?”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Your legs?”

“No I have.”

“Your feet?”

“No I will.”

The masseuse gives the man his massage, and find that he is tight in...

I wonder is perineal massages help.

I’m personally torn on the matter.

Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?

Because he was also a neck-romancer.

What does going to the massage parlor and watching a Hallmark Channel movie have in common?

You always know you’re getting a happy ending.

If someone massages your scalp in the shower or something like that

Just say thank you




You don't need to ask,"who are you?" Or "how did you get in here?"

Did you hear about that shady massage parlor run by bears?

Yeah, turns out it was just a front for honey laundering

[just wrote this one] Political Massage

So I went to this masseur. Great reputation. People say he’s good with his hands.

We get down to business, and he starts asking me about politics.

He asks, “So are you for states or against states? You’ll get a different massage depending on your answer.”

I guess he’s probably a...

My wife recently asked me to give her a rough massage

But I told her I wouldn't because I didn't want to come across as massagenistic.

I suspect the motor in my massage chair is starting to go...

It’s been giving me some bad vibes.

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Old Fart Joke. Years ago (late 1980's) I was travelling through Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport.

As I waited for the bus to the hotel, I noted all the posted flyers for "massage". I thought, what the hell, and jotted down a phone number.

When I got to the hotel I dialed the number and a woman answered with "how can I help you?" Boy, did she sound sexy.

I told her "I would like to ...

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

What's a BBQ pit master's least favorite massage?

A dry rub.

One of those seedy massage parlors opened up across my kid’s school.

After couple of months of outrage and protesting. We finally did it and closed that school down.

I know what you’re thinking, finally a happy ending OC joke.

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So I was at a massage parlor...

During the "happy ending" the lady kept saying

"Wow, your dick is sooooo huge, its the biggest I've ever felt!"

I told her "I appreciate it, miss, but we both know you are just pulling my leg"

I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then moustache trim and wax.

It's my wife's birthday and I thought, "What the hell! I'll treat her."

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently.

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently. He requested for two masseurs, one for him and another for his wife.

After massaging the man for a long time, the Thai massuer said, "Massage pinis". He kept ghastly quiet pretending not to have heard it.

Again, the massuer repeated h...

What did the bread say after its massage?

Ahh, I kneaded that.

I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

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A man's wife falls into a coma...

And after sitting by her side for several weeks the man finally has a new doctor give him some advice.

Doctor: Sometimes patients respond when they are given physical stimuli. What do you think about a massage.

Man: ok, I'll give her feet a rub.

After a few minutes the woman let...

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

This woman keeps going to HR to try to get me fired for giving her "inappropriate" massages. Good luck with that.

I don't even work here.

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is mad at me. She was rubbing my shoulders but started poking me with needles.

I was getting mixed massages.

What's the name for a person that only gives massages to men?

A massagonist.

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.

*"Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?"* he asked.

*"To make myself beautiful,"* said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

*"What's the matter?"* he asked.

*"Are you giving up?"*

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I don’t think I’m going to go back to my massage therapist.

He just kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

I got kicked out of a massage parlor the other day.

Apparently the prostate isn't considered "deep tissue."

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NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft was given a plea deal to avoid jail sentencing for a massage parlor prostitution sting

I guess having a good lawyer cums in handy.

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.




Edit: Thought about it more. Initial phrasing was to bait out "happy ending" responses, but I feel like this would probably be better:

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?

How much was knead...

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

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Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her ha...

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Two women were playing golf

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and i...

I got great life advice from the old asian lady at the massage parlor

"If you want Happy Ending, don't pick young pretty girl."

My hot dislexic co-worker said she had an important massage to give me in her office...

When I got there, she told me it can wait until I put on some clothes.

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A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed.

A middle-aged couple is having trouble in bed - namely, the husband is having trouble making his wife orgasm. They visit a sex therapist who recommends they hire a young man to give the wife a foot massage during sex, hopefully to relax her and help her orgasm. They try it, and the husband fucks his...

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The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The...

I got really bad insomnia and didn't know what to do

A friend told me he gets a massage from his wife and he's asleep in minutes. I tried the same and it worked; his wife does give great massages.

A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service

Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.

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*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, coun...

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office...

I said good luck with that sweetheart.... I don't even work here.
(credit: Anthony Jeselnik)

What do you call it when the guy who does your shiatsu is a male chauvinist pig?

Massage-ony.

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