Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'


The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.


Mick w...

Paddy was at the airport and was stopped by customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,

He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could

I br...

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

Paddy says to mick

‘If you guess how many donuts are in my bag you can have them both’

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Paddy and Mick.

Paddy: "Look at that flock of cows!"

Mick: "Herd of cows you daft bastard!"

Paddy: "Course I've heard of cows,

there's a fucking flock of them over there.

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

The 3 Paddys

Paddy Englishman,Paddy Scotsman and Paddy Irishamn were travelling together.
They'd booked a hotel room, but there was a bit of miscommunication.
Their room only had one large bed.
The next morning, over breakfast, Paddy Englishman said:
"I had a great nights sleep, I dreamt that I was g...

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Three paddys

A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides ...

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Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

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Paddy talking to Mick.

Paddy: I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

Mick: ''' Fuck that''' are you crazy? "Have you

seen how many of their owners go blind.."

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Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

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Paddy buys a bath...

... But comes back the next day to complain that the water runs out. The salesman asks "did you put the plug in?"

Paddy says "Fer fuck sake you never said it was electric"

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

Paddy's bad day at work...

Paddy the irishman is at work, gets a call from his boss in the office.
paddy goes into the office & takes the call, comes out 5 mins later looking very sad & upset.

The boss says: what on earth happened paddy?

Paddy: The hospital in London just rang up & told me my mo...

Mick is walking down the street when he sees Paddy running behind a bus

“Oi, Paddy! Why’re you running behind that bus?”

“Well I’ve got to pay if I get on it!”

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Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it a...

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

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Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100

The next day the donkey died.

Farmer: Sorry to hear about the donkey.

Paddy: No problem. I’ll just have my money back.

Farmer: I’ve spent it

Paddy: Ok. I’ll raffle him off.

Farmer: You can’t raffle a dead donkey!

Paddy: Watch me! I just won’t tell anybody...

Light bulb

Paddy and John are working on a building site. Paddy says to John, “I need a day off, I’m going to pretend I’ve gone mad!”

Paddy climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, “I’m a light bulb! I’m a light bulb!” While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, “Pa...

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Paddy and Mick talking about their wives.

Paddy: I cannot believe how stupid my wife is, she bought a car off of her friend, she can't even drive.

Mick: That's fuck all, my wife has gone on vacation with a bunch of friends, She has took 50 condoms with her, she ain't even got a dick.

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Our workmate Paddy died last week, so we had a special headstone made for him.

PADDY O'SPARKS.

Amateur Electrician.

Green To Earth.

Brown To Live.

Blue To Fucking Bits.

REST IN PIECES...

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

Paddy At The Newsagents

I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said,



“watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”




Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”




I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”
Pad...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin' pig, and ten we can tell them apart.” “Ah, dat id be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a ...

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Paddy and Mick were walking home from the Pub

when Paddy tripped over. Getting back to his feet he showed Mick his hand and said,"Hey Mick, look at this, I think I've broke my fucking finger".

Mick looked at his hand and said," No Paddy, you've broke the one next to it".

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

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Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."...

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Paddy says to Mick. I have bought 2 goldfish.

Mick says have you got names for them? Paddy replies, I call that one, One and the other one I call Two. Mick says why the fuck have you called them that.? Paddy says, well if one dies I will still have two.

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Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctor.

After tests the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife might be over heating during sex. Paddy doesn't own a fan so he asks his mate around to waft a towel over them during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. I'll fuck her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees...

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

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Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.

Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.
The doctor said “Look out the window and tell me what you see”.
“Nointy noin” Paddy announces, clearly proud of his achievement.
“Ninety nine?” asked the doctor. “But all that’s out there ar...

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

Mick and Paddy

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "O...

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy says, “In the car.”

Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be some...

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Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Paddy.

Mick: "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Sean: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"

Paddy: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm for a singles holiday and she hasn't even got a cock!"

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Silence is Golden

Paddy was out driving with the wife..After speeding down a long stretch of road he noticed the flashing lights of a police car behind him and pulled over..

“Can I help you officer”? he said

“Do you realize that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back” says the officer!

...

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

Once a man in the mafia, was tasked with killing another man.

He ended up killing him with a porcelain doll in a rice paddy.

It was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Police in Belfast have now been given permission to shoot people who break the curfew.

Paddy and Mick, have been put at the top of Belfast City Hall and are ordered to shoot anyone after the 8pm curfew.

The first night they are looking out at 7.45pm and Mick takes his gun and shoots a man.

"What are you doing Mick" said Paddy, "It's only a quarter to eight!"

"That...

Car for Sale

Paddy wanted to sell his car but was concerned he wouldn’t get much for it due to the high mileage, he spoke to his friend Mickey who suggested winding the clock back, reducing the mileage, in the hope he could ask for more money.
A few days later Paddy was talking to Mickey again, ‘How’d you get...

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: ...

Ah Paddy

Nick, an Englishman, Jock a Scotsman and Wee Paddy had emigrated to Australia some years ago.


One day they were sitting outside at a pub on the Sydney harbour enjoying a drink in the sunshine.


Nick says, you know this is a lovely country, but I really mi...

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

In honor of St. Paddy

An Irishman who had a little **too much to drink** Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A **cop pulls him over**.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "**Where have ya been?"**
" Why, I've been **to the pub of course*...

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What a...

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner".

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

The Three Paddies find a Leprechaun...

The Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow.
“Slide down the rainbow, and shout out something, and you’ll find it at the bottom,” He says to them.
Paddy the Englishman slides down and shouts gold and he lands in huge pot of gold.
Paddy the Scotsman slides...

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadd...

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Paddy is looking for work.

He's walking around town when he sees a 'help wanted' sign outside the blacksmith shop.
So Paddy goes in and tells the blacksmith that he's here for the job.
The blacksmith asks; have you ever shoed a horse before?
Paddy thinks for a bit and then replies, No.....but I told a donkey to fuck ...

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Paddy phones Ryanair to book a flight:

Operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?

Paddy replies, "How the fuck do I know?, It's your plane!

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What do you call a sex offending Irishman?

A grabby paddy

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Ring sting

Paddy says to his wife “my bumhole hurts, what’s wrong with it?” She says “ring sting” and he replies “how the fuck would he know?!”

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A Redheaded farmer is out in his field minding his own business.

He's tidying up down by the fence next to the road.

A posh limey comes gliding up in his Tesla.

Paddy, that's the Irish farmer, didn't hear the limey roll up so the limey honks his horn, startling Paddy.

"I say," asked the limey "does this road go to the Blarney Stone my good ma...

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' sa...

Paddy rode his bike to the bottle shop to get some whiskey

After choosing a bottle he walked out to his bike.

He was just about to put the bottle in the basket on his bike for the ride home but then he thought if I falls off it might break.

So he drank it first............. which turned out to be a very good decision because he fell off 7 tim...

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

Wack-em

A man confessed to killing a cow in a rice field today with 2 porcelain figures, officials say that this is the first confirmed case of a knick-knack paddy wack

Paddy says to Mick.

Paddy says I just got handed a leaflet from a couple of guys, it said be a Jehovah's witness, Mick says what did you tell them?

Paddy replied, I didn't even see the accident, so how can I be a witness?

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

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A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry...

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Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

Paddy is leaving his wife

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from ...

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It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Two Irish guys, Paddy and Mick are drunk in a newly renovated pub in their town

Paddy announces that he has to go to the bathroom.

"I'llll assk the baarman where the bog isss" Paddy mumbles to his mate and then he stumbles up to the bar.

"Wherrre'ss the jack's?" He asks the barman.

Pointing to a door in the back, the barman says "Go through that door, take...

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Paddy walks into a bar.

"How much is lager?"
Barman: "£3 a pint and £10 a pitcher"
Paddy: "I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo"

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet

...and says "i think my fish is epileptic",the vet looks and says "he looks fine to me.paddy replies,"hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".

Paddy and Mick are fishing

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been...

An old man was driving his old Fiat in the Italian countryside, when the car broke down

He pulled over to the side, and called for a tow truck. While he was waiting, this guy in a Ferrari, who must have felt very generous that day, stopped and asked if he needed any assistance.

“It’s okay, the tow truck will be here soon,” the old man told him.

But the guy with the Fe...

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Paddy runs into the pub and shouts, "Mick, some assholes stole your car!”

Mick says, "Did you see who did it?"

Paddy replies, "No, but I got the license number!”

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Into a Belfast Pub . . .

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy...

Banking explained

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

Paddy goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? Paddy says.

In 6 months.

Paddy needed a job

Shawn said why not try a lumber jack?
So off he went to the forman.
Paddy he says if you can do 100 trees a day , you're hired.
Off Paddy went, only 10 trees the 1st day.
Forman says, now Paddy, i have guys who can do 100 without breaking a sweat.
Paddy forgoes breakfast and lunch but...

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Paddy drinking at the Irish pub

Patrick staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grab...

Ballerina.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar in Dublin ...
She raises her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as says to the people sitting at the bar
"What man here will buy a woman a drink?
The bar went quiet as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the...

Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

Paddy Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says Paddy Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, Paddy Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My ...

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69

Paddy's never done it before so Mary says she'll show him.

She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him.
As she's lowering herself down she farts. Apologizing, she tries again and farts again.

Paddy jumps up and storms out, yelling "I'll be fooked if I'm hanging around f...

Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are sellin...

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Paddy and his camel

Paddy walks into a police station and reports his camel has been stolen.

The policeman says "how many humps does it have? "

Paddy replied "I can't really remember, one or two?"

The police man goes "well what colour was it, light or dark brown?"

Paddy replied "i cant reall...

Irish Man Murdered

Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome? It was a Knick knack paddy whack.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed?

12 hardened criminals escaped.

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just...

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy is plowing his field with a steamroller.

Seamus comes up to him and says "Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard".

Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief.

Finally, Paddy says: "I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt".

The grim reaper approaches Paddy and says "I'm death"

Paddy says "I'll talk louder then"

Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on a train compartment, drinking and being loud together. At the next stop an elderly priest and a beautiful woman get on and sit across from the three.

As the train gets under way, the priest looks at the three with distain and says, "Have ya any decency between ya? You three look like a right pair of fools, but I'll give 50 quid to any of you that can name the three main characters of the Bible." The Englishman pipes up and says, "The three Kings?...

Paddy

"Would you like to buy my dog?" Mick : "What kind is it?" Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian." Mick : "Is it clean?" Paddy: "Spotless."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irishman stops at an airport in England...

An Irishman stops at an airport in England. While he's waiting for his flight to arrive, he decides to make a quick stop at the airport bar.

As it's late at night, there's only the bartender and two other people there. Always willing to make a new friend, he sits down with the two and starts ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

Paddy’s Suggestion

Paddy and Mick are blind drunk and going home from a night out and realize that they don’t have enough money for a taxi so they decide to go to the Bus Depot and steal a bus. … Mick breaks into the depot as Paddy stands as a lookout. …

After a while, Paddy decides to see what is keeping Mi...

Paddy says to Mick,"I found this pen,is it yours" Mick replies "Don't know, give it here" He then tries it and says "yes it is" Paddy asks, How do you know?

Mick replies,
"That's my handwriting"

An Irishman Came Home from the Pub on St. Paddy's Day...

and walked into his house and laid a 30 lb. turkey on the table. His wife looks wide-eyed and asked, "Liam, where'd ya get the tarkey?"

"Well Mary, all the fella's at the pub had a little contest for St. Paddy's Day. The fella with the biggest member won the tarkey."

Mary turned ghostl...

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

St. Paddy's day.

Paddy's wife had watched a cooking show on the telly and was dying to try out the recipe, so she sent him out to Sean's market to buy escargot and told him not to stop by the pub on the way home.

Well, Paddy being Paddy, he decided to pop in for a pint anyways. A quick pint became several. H...

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