Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation,

Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'


The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.


Mick w...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.
The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500? Paddy replies.

I will on 3 conditions: 1st, I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know.

3rd i'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Friday night, Patrick went to his friend Paddy and said

"Paddy, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the bartender's wife. Can you hold him in the pub for an hour after he closes up?"

Paddy was not very fond of the idea, but being Patrick was a lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After the pub closed, Paddy struck up a conversation with ...

Paddy was at the airport going through Customs.

Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?

Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.

Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?

Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,

He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could

I br...

Seamus and Paddy are walking home from the pub

After a night of drinking Seamus and Paddy start making their way home. Paddy trips over a large stone and Seamus says "Jaysus Paddy are you ok?" Paddy replies "Yes I'm fine, wait Seamus check it out there's a man buried here that lived to 100 years old." "Your joking Paddy, what's his name?" "Miles...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the two decide to go the doctor to find out why. After a number of tests and questions, the doc suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After...

Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son Paddy out for a drink

They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. Paddy didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, Paddy didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the...

Poor old Paddy had died. (NSFW)

Paddy had dropped over from a heart attack! After the funeral, one of his widow's friends dropped by to see how she was holding up. The mostly sat in the parlor and chatted, but the smell of something cooking aroused the friend's curiosity, so she wandered over to the stove and lifted the lid on t...

Paddy and Murphy were walking back from the pub together when they saw a job flyer posted on telegraph pole. It read “Tree-Fellers Wanted”

Paddy turned to Murphy and said “it’s a shame Seamus isn’t here, we’d be perfect for that job”

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick walking through the field.

Paddy: "Look at that flock of cows!"

Mick: "Herd of cows you daft bastard!"

Paddy: "Course I've heard of cows,

there's a fucking flock of them over there.

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

Paddy and Mick are driving an I.E.D toward Downing Street...

Mick takes a left onto a cobbled road. The car shudders and shakes violently.

Paddy: "Mick!! Slow down ya crazy man, you're gonna set the bomb off!!!"

Mick: "Oh calm down Paddy, I've got a spare one in the back!"

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three paddys

A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and the toast of the year

A man named Paddy Murphy was in the pub when the barman announced a ‘toasting competition’. Thinking quickly, Paddy was pretty sure he had a winner.

“Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” he shouted, and sure enough, his naughty toast was judged the best of the ...

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy talking to Mick.

Paddy: I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

Mick: ''' Fuck that''' are you crazy? "Have you

seen how many of their owners go blind.."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy buys a bath...

... But comes back the next day to complain that the water runs out. The salesman asks "did you put the plug in?"

Paddy says "Fer fuck sake you never said it was electric"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it a...

Paddy At The Newsagents

I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said,



“watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”




Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”




I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”
Pad...

Paddy says to mick

‘If you guess how many donuts are in my bag you can have them both’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Irish men

2 Irish men ,Paddy and mick are walking in the countryside through a field when they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the barbed wire fence.
Mick looks around to check the coast is clear,drops his trousers and starts fucking the sheep.
Half way through he looks at paddy winks and sa...

Paddy's bad day at work...

Paddy the irishman is at work, gets a call from his boss in the office.
paddy goes into the office & takes the call, comes out 5 mins later looking very sad & upset.

The boss says: what on earth happened paddy?

Paddy: The hospital in London just rang up & told me my mo...

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' pig?"

Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin' pig, and ten we can tell them apart.” “Ah, dat id be grand" says Paddy.

This worked fine until a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our workmate Paddy died last week, so we had a special headstone made for him.

PADDY O'SPARKS.

Amateur Electrician.

Green To Earth.

Brown To Live.

Blue To Fucking Bits.

REST IN PIECES...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100

The next day the donkey died.

Farmer: Sorry to hear about the donkey.

Paddy: No problem. I’ll just have my money back.

Farmer: I’ve spent it

Paddy: Ok. I’ll raffle him off.

Farmer: You can’t raffle a dead donkey!

Paddy: Watch me! I just won’t tell anybody...

Mick is walking down the street when he sees Paddy running behind a bus

“Oi, Paddy! Why’re you running behind that bus?”

“Well I’ve got to pay if I get on it!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick talking about their wives.

Paddy: I cannot believe how stupid my wife is, she bought a car off of her friend, she can't even drive.

Mick: That's fuck all, my wife has gone on vacation with a bunch of friends, She has took 50 condoms with her, she ain't even got a dick.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.

Paddy went to the doctor and said “Doc, I’m not feeling so great. In fact, I t’ink I’m goin’ mad”.
The doctor said “Look out the window and tell me what you see”.
“Nointy noin” Paddy announces, clearly proud of his achievement.
“Ninety nine?” asked the doctor. “But all that’s out there ar...

Paddy is leaving his wife

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from ...

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Paddy

A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .

Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good qua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick were walking home from the Pub

when Paddy tripped over. Getting back to his feet he showed Mick his hand and said,"Hey Mick, look at this, I think I've broke my fucking finger".

Mick looked at his hand and said," No Paddy, you've broke the one next to it".

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”

So Paddy leaves the ...

Paddy got a job as a lumberjack

but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be some...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy says to Mick. I have bought 2 goldfish.

Mick says have you got names for them? Paddy replies, I call that one, One and the other one I call Two. Mick says why the fuck have you called them that.? Paddy says, well if one dies I will still have two.

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy is looking for work.

He's walking around town when he sees a 'help wanted' sign outside the blacksmith shop.
So Paddy goes in and tells the blacksmith that he's here for the job.
The blacksmith asks; have you ever shoed a horse before?
Paddy thinks for a bit and then replies, No.....but I told a donkey to fuck ...

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

In honor of St. Paddy

An Irishman who had a little **too much to drink** Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A **cop pulls him over**.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "**Where have ya been?"**
" Why, I've been **to the pub of course*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

Mick and Paddy

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Irishmen, Mick, Sean and Paddy.

Mick: "Women are so stupid, my wife has just bought a car and she can't even drive!"

Sean: "That's nothing, my wife's on a diet and she's not even fat"

Paddy: "That's fuck all, my wife's taken 30 condoms to Benidorm for a singles holiday and she hasn't even got a cock!"

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy says, “In the car.”

Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy phones Ryanair to book a flight:

Operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?

Paddy replies, "How the fuck do I know?, It's your plane!

3 Chinese blokes apply for American visa.

They decide to use Americanized names for starting their new lives.

So, Chu became Chuck and got his Visa stamped.

Lu became Luck and also received his Visa.

Fu had to continue working in the paddy fields.

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: ...

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet

...and says "i think my fish is epileptic",the vet looks and says "he looks fine to me.paddy replies,"hang on,i haven't taken him out of the bowl yet".

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner".

Paddy rode his bike to the bottle shop to get some whiskey

After choosing a bottle he walked out to his bike.

He was just about to put the bottle in the basket on his bike for the ride home but then he thought if I falls off it might break.

So he drank it first............. which turned out to be a very good decision because he fell off 7 tim...

The Three Paddies find a Leprechaun...

The Three Paddies find a leprechaun, who brings them to the top of his rainbow.
“Slide down the rainbow, and shout out something, and you’ll find it at the bottom,” He says to them.
Paddy the Englishman slides down and shouts gold and he lands in huge pot of gold.
Paddy the Scotsman slides...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts, "Mick, some assholes stole your car!”

Mick says, "Did you see who did it?"

Paddy replies, "No, but I got the license number!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pilot says to the passengers, one engine has failed but don't worry this plane has four engines it will only add 20 minutes to the flight, then a second and third engine fail, Pilot says it's OK this plane can run on one engine and only adds 2 hours to the flight. Paddy says.

Fucking heck if the other engine fails, we could be up here forever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

Paddy says to Mick.

Paddy says I just got handed a leaflet from a couple of guys, it said be a Jehovah's witness, Mick says what did you tell them?

Paddy replied, I didn't even see the accident, so how can I be a witness?

Paddy Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are discussing how great their uncles are

Paddy Scotsman says "my uncle is a priest, when he walks down the road everyone nods and say father"
"That's nothing" says Paddy Englishman, "My uncle is a bishop, when he walks down the road everyone BOWS and says your grace". Not to be outdone, Paddy Irishman looks at them both and laughs. "My ...

Paddy goes for a job, boss man says it is £10.00 per hour rising to £15.00 per hour after 6 months, when can you start? Paddy says.

In 6 months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Irishmen on Connor's Pass...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy walks into a bar.

"How much is lager?"
Barman: "£3 a pint and £10 a pitcher"
Paddy: "I'll just have a pint, fuck the photo"

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

Tragedy at the Guiness brewery

Paddy O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.

She is devastated and finally manages to sob...please tell me he went quickly and didnt suf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Busine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

Paddy needed a job

Shawn said why not try a lumber jack?
So off he went to the forman.
Paddy he says if you can do 100 trees a day , you're hired.
Off Paddy went, only 10 trees the 1st day.
Forman says, now Paddy, i have guys who can do 100 without breaking a sweat.
Paddy forgoes breakfast and lunch but...

The grim reaper approaches Paddy and says "I'm death"

Paddy says "I'll talk louder then"

Paddy and Mick are fishing

.. and they're not catching anything.
As they're about to give up for the day past them walk two Englishmen with huge baskets of freshly caught fish.


"BEJEYZUS!" Paddy exclaims, "How on Eart did ya catch soo many fish?"
The Englishmen explain that it's a life-hack they've been...

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69

Paddy's never done it before so Mary says she'll show him.

She tells him to lay on the floor and squats over him.
As she's lowering herself down she farts. Apologizing, she tries again and farts again.

Paddy jumps up and storms out, yelling "I'll be fooked if I'm hanging around f...

Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are sellin...

Paddy and Murphy go fishing

Paddy and Murphy decide one fine, sunny day to take their boat out and spend the afternoon fishing. For a time, all is well and the weather is calm.

All of a sudden, Paddy and Murphy sail in an absolute unit of a storm, and water begins to pour into the boat.

"Paddy, quick!" cries Murp...

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed?

12 hardened criminals escaped.

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and his camel

Paddy walks into a police station and reports his camel has been stolen.

The policeman says "how many humps does it have? "

Paddy replied "I can't really remember, one or two?"

The police man goes "well what colour was it, light or dark brown?"

Paddy replied "i cant reall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy is plowing his field with a steamroller.

Seamus comes up to him and says "Paddy, you don't plow a field with a steamroller you stupid bastard".

Paddy stops mid-field, looking at Seamus in disbelief.

Finally, Paddy says: "I'm growing mashed potatoes, you thick cunt".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,...

Paddy finds a sandwich with 2 red wires stickin out of it...

He phones the bomb squad... "jesus, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a feckin bomb"...

The operator asks "Is it tickin?" ...Paddy says "No, I tink it's beef!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Mick are watching football at Mick's house

Mick looks out the window, and it's pissing rain out. He says to Paddy "sure stay the night here, I'll go up and make a bed for you".

When he gets back downstairs, Paddy is drenched to the bone. Mick says "what in the hell happened to you?

Paddy replied" I went home for me pajamas"

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

An Irishman Came Home from the Pub on St. Paddy's Day...

and walked into his house and laid a 30 lb. turkey on the table. His wife looks wide-eyed and asked, "Liam, where'd ya get the tarkey?"

"Well Mary, all the fella's at the pub had a little contest for St. Paddy's Day. The fella with the biggest member won the tarkey."

Mary turned ghostl...

St. Paddy's day.

Paddy's wife had watched a cooking show on the telly and was dying to try out the recipe, so she sent him out to Sean's market to buy escargot and told him not to stop by the pub on the way home.

Well, Paddy being Paddy, he decided to pop in for a pint anyways. A quick pint became several. H...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.