Rescued Jokes - 34 Hilarious Rescued Jokes

I rescued a dog that belonged to a blacksmith.

As soon as I brought it home, it made a bolt for the door

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

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Rescued at last...

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for years before he is found. On the helicopter ride back to civilization, a rescuer asks him where he wants to go first.
The man says, "After all this time, there is only one thing I want. A woman!"
The rescuer responds, "The best I can do it t...

My girlfriend's fantasy is to be rescued by a man in uniform.

At least that's what I told the onlookers as she yelled "I don't know this man! Call the police!"

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When I heard the news that 12 Thai schoolboys had been rescued from underground...

I had to run home and make sure my basement was still padlocked.

Everyone clapped when the boy was rescued from the well.

But I'm waiting to see if he found my phone.

A Jewish man is stranded on an island for 20 years

He is finally rescued by a team, and he insists on showing them the life he’s built for himself there. They come across a small clearing with a bunch of makeshift buildings.

He points to the closest one, “That’s my home.” He continues to point to the other buildings as they walk by.

“T...

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A shipwrecked Scotsman is rescued by a Royal Navy destroyer

...he is taken to the sick bay where a beautiful young nurse is waiting.

"Our Captain wanted me to tell that he is from Aberdeen and wants his countryman to be receive the best of care. How long has it been since you had a drink of Whisky?"

"Five long years my dear." The Scotsman rep...

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

I rescued a penguin that came to shore near home

It must have got caught in a coastal current and ended up at the beach. I was happy to save it but didn't know what to do with it.

Someone suggested I take it to the zoo. I thought that was a great idea, and that's what I did.

A few weeks later the same person saw me at the beach....

A guy rescued a genie.

To return the favor, the genie offered him a wish: he could have unlimited money, or unlimited wisdom. The man chose the latter. A few days passed by, his friend came to visit him, finding him crying very fiercely and screaming the sentence: "I should have chosen the money."

What did Cher say to the orphan pig she rescued?

Babe, I got you babe.

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized...

Now that all the Thai boys were rescued, we can now joke about the situation.

But please, don't everybody go at once.

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

Trump and Hillary fall into the water. Who will be rescued?

America.

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Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

My friend was surprised when I said I hadn't heard about the kids in Thailand being rescued

Where have you been? Living in a cave?

I was just reading up on how they rescued the Chilean miners

most of it was just boring.

One time I got attacked by a wildebeest, but another wildebeest came to my aid and rescued me.

There's good gnus and bad gnus.

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A man gets rescued after spending his whole life on a desert island.

(this one is very long, be warned)

He was stranded on the island as a little boy, he knows how to speak but he knows nothing about the wonders of the modern world. Him and his family were thought to have perished in a freak yacht accident, nobody ever found the yacht. He somehow managed to su...

A marooned Baptist is rescued by a ship.

A Baptist has been stranded on a deserted island for two years. Upon being rescued, a sailor asks: "You survived. Remarkable. How did you do it?"

The Protestant says, "By the grace of God. Come, let me show you where I lived." So the sailors and the castaway retreat into the jungle. ...

I heard the last two kids rescued raced eachother to the end of the cave...

Rescuers reported the race ended in a Thai.

A ship's captain out at sea notices smoke on the horizon...

...he orders the ship to head towards the smoke. As the ship gets closer to the source of the smoke, the captain can see through his binoculars a deserted island with three huts and a man waving his arms to be rescued.

The ship sends a small boat to the island which returns with the man grat...

I took my son to the fair on the weekend…

…and we we’re having a great time. At least we were until I let him go in to see the palm reader. When he came out he was sad and when I asked what happened, he said “She told me that in 15 years I would have one of the worst days of my life after a loss.”

Being the great dad I am, on the way...

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf...

And they were having a hard time because they were constantly being distracted and disrupted by another group of golfers who were playing very badly.

"Why are they even being allowed to golf here?" the doctor asked their caddie.

"Well," said the caddie, " They used to be firefighters....

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

Man gets lost in the countryside

Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says “what’s with the three legged pig?”
Farmer says bravest pig you’re ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house la...

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Seven men and one woman survived a plane crash...

The plane crashed in the middle of the pacific but they managed to swim to safety on a deserted island.
They explored the island for a bit and found fresh water and plenty of food sources, so they decided to make the best of it and just settle there until they were rescued.

A few mon...

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An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.

After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.

He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplie...

Stranded on an island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we ...

A blonde forgot car keys in the car.

A few hours later she was rescued by her husband who got her out of the car.

And then their was that mental patient that...

In a psychological hospital/asylum, a patient fell in the pool outside and another patient, named Guy, bravely rescued him from drowning. A doctor saw this and went to a meeting with the other doctors. After the meeting they decided that Guy can go back to the society now that he is sane again. When...

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