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A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

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What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?

Holy fuck.

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During an intercourse, what makes your wife scream the most?

When I wipe my cock on a curtain.

Intercourse

When you're in love, intercourse is called "making love." When it's lust, intercourse is called "screwing." When it's marriage, intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

NSFW What did one spice say to the other during intercourse?

I'M CUMIN!!

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I had intercourse with a police officer

So i fucked the police

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What's dry intercourse called?

Intercoarse.

What's a four letter word ending with 'K' that means intercourse?

Talk.

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Sex, intercourse and duck were sentenced to prison

Sex, intercourse and duck were sentenced to prison. The warder asked duck "I can see you're different from the new inmates, what was your offence?". Duck replied " I really don't know but I can bet I'm here because of autocorrect"

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

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In the Catholic Church, Priests of any race, color or ethnic origin are disallowed from sexual intercourse

Celibate Diversity

What do you call it when spooning leads to intercourse?

Forking

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On any given day, sexual intercourse takes place 120 million times on earth.

Apparently, I live on the moon.

What do you call a male square having intercourse?

An erectangle.

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###

I couldn't believe it.


I was in tears.


I could never trust her again.


I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.


Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.


I said, "bad dog".

Intercourse is a lot like AirPods

It seems like everybody has it, but I just know that for me it cost a lot of money to get it.

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A newlywed couple are about to sleep together…

Before the intercourse begins the wife says, “give me 30 dollars.” The husband says, “for WHAT?!”. She says, “everytime we have sex, you are to give me 30 dollars.” The husband relectuantly complies.

After 40 years of marriage, the wife comes home really happy one day with the news of a smal...

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Survey

A newspaper was doing a survey on sexual habits. One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman, wearing a black suit, and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year," said the gentleman. The questioner smiled, saying, "I thought you Italians were suppos...

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How to make a woman scream long after the intercourse?

Wipe your dick in the curtains

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I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

Having intercourse is like having pasta

Because it involves penne tration

I'd love to have oral intercourse with my girlfriend, but...

... I don't want to hurt her fillings

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I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

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During intercourse my blind girlfriend shouted "you have a huge dick!"

I just told her to stop pulling my leg.

My brother is having regular intercourse with his best friend an is terrible at keeping it a secret from me

But he does his bestie

Professing your love for a girl during intercourse is cliche.

You need to think outside the box.

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The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

Joe was doing a crossword puzzle in a train car.

the guy next to him and the two women behind her were also doing the same puzzle.

once, the guy asked him "whats a word ending with *k* and means intercourse?"

he replied "talk"

behind him, the woman asked "hey you got an eraser?"



later the guy asked "you know a w...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

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Are you having intercourse with Joseph King?

Cause you gotta be fuckin Joe King!

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

A man enters a brothel...

he talks to the Madame and tells her:" I am an exceptional pervert, i have tried unimaginably disgusting acts, but now i have run out of ideas, do you have something disgusting and unusual for me?"
The Madame tells him to go to a room on the 2nd floor and talk to the girl there.
He goes to...

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Trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos for a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. ...

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Four friends meet for their morning tee time,

they step onto the first tee box and rip their drives down the middle. As they are walking towards their balls the 1st Golfer says, "You guys don't realize how much this round of golf is costing me! I've had to let my mother-in-law stay over for a month!"
The 2nd Golfer says, "I've had to buy my...

I walked in on my parents as a kid...

As a little boy I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.

The next day my dad tells me "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."

So, when I was young I always want...

If bees reproduce by slave bees having intercourse with the queen bee...

... Then is it safe to say they're into BeeDSM?

What do you call the man who had intercourse with 25 cents?

A quarter pounder

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse?

They really know how to make bedrock.

Priest calls a town meeting about rumors of ghosts... (long)

In a small rural town rumors start to spread that people are seeing ghosts, so the new and inexperienced priest hears about these rumors and decides to call a town meeting to get to the bottom of these rumors. After everyone arrives the priest then starts the meeting with a question: "Who here has s...

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Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

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An elderly man, feeling ill, goes to the doctor with his wife.

The doctor examines him, then asks to speak to the wife alone.

"What is it, Doctor?"
"I'm sorry to say, your husband is terribly ill and only has a few months to live."
"Is there anything we can do?" the wife asks in desperation.
The doctor thinks, then says "Well... there is ...

A man and a woman are about to have intercourse

Woman: Do you have protection

Man: Yes, I spend $2.99 on my monthly NordVPN subscription

Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my wife is the only student.

She's getting a D

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

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During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless..

..

Girl: What the heck are you doing??

Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called "buffering"

My friend is a prison warden currently doing sensitivity training. His homework entails "What would you do if you saw two curious inmates indulging in intercourse? "

I said "Why can't we just let bi-cons be bi-cons?!"

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

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Dirty Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to a...

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

Reproductive biology

A human reproductive biology professor is lecturing to his class on the physical act of intercourse.

“There are 74 known positions of penetrating intercourse that may lead to impregnation of the female.”

Student in front row interrupts. “Pardon Monsieur, but there are 75.”

“Now ...

A husband and his wife are having financial difficulties. After many nights and days of talking, with ideas coming and going, they decide she should try prostitution.

They agree on the prices- £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral, and £100 for intercourse, the husband would be waiting in the car.
She meets a guy in a bar and he accepts her advances so she tell him the prices.
She says "Its £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral and £100 for intercourse."
"Gee,"...

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An old Russian man is at his dying wife's bedside.

The doctor on visit to their apartment looks her over and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but the only way to save your wife is to have anal sex with her."

"I can't do it," says the man, "I'm a loyal Communist and have dutifully served my country. I fought the entire war and earned many medals, in...

Patient: Doc I make my lover call me Sigma during intercourse. Does that make me weird?

Psychologist: not at all, it's a standard deviation.

I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have intercourse with them self wins.

So I entered myself.

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The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when

I was a sperm.

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MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

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Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.

At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.

She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made lo...

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

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There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.


As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

Had a dream a horrible coworker came back to work. I woke up worried about it possibly coming true.

Then I remembered I also dreamed my wife and I had intercourse. So that means the entire dream was improbable.

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Dork Ruined Joke Then Deleted It Because He Couldn't Stand The Downvotes: Reposted Right

An American gentleman arranged a liaison with a Japanese lady. As they were indulging in sexual intercourse, she repeatedly shouted a Japanese word which he did not understand but took to mean "Wonderful" or something similar which increased his ardor, his efforts with the lady, and his enjoyment, a...

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Why do black people have red eyes after sexual intercourse?

Because of the pepper spray.

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

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Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety ye...

Costume Party

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there
was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he
took his costume ...

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Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors.
After tests, the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to purchase a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during intercourse. After 20 minutes of wafting ...

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Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

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Studies Show..

The American Government funded a study to learn why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After a year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during intercourse.

After that study was published, the French Government decided to do their ow...

Two people commited a crime while having intercourse

Its said to have been an inside job

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

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Sex Therapy for the Elderly !

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.



The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”



The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”



The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderl...

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What every doctor is taught in med school.

"What the patient says he drinks, double. What he says he smokes, triple. Frequency of sexual intercourse, divide by four.”

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Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

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Two cowboys

Riding across the range, they come upon a heifer with her head caught in the fence. Cowboy#1 says "you know I'm getting kind of tired of beating off in the bushes, I think ill take advantage of this situation"

He hops off his horse and goes to the heifer and has sloppy intersperses sexual in...

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[Long] [NSFW] Three couples wanted to join a very strict church.

As they met with with the Membership Committee, the Lead Elder told them they could join if they passed a simple test of purity.

"All you need to do it abstain from sexual intercourse for six months," he said. "Do that and you are in."

Six months passed and the three couples returned t...

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Three not so wisemen.

A Frenchman a German and an Englishman are all sitting at a bar when a beautiful women walks in and sits on a barstool, with her cat next to her
The three men make a pact that they will all approach her and see who does best.
"I will compliment her pussy and that is how I will get in." Says th...

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Mother Superior calls allbthe nuns to a meeting.

All 100 nuns show up wondering what this meeting is about.

"We have discovered that one of you has had sexual intercourse" states the Mother Superior.

99 of the nuns gasp.
"Hehehe," laughs one nun.

"We have also found a condom that was used."

99 of the nuns gasp. ...

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A man is talking to his best friend...

He confides to him: "I haven't fucked my wife all month, the doctors discovered that she is carrying a strange virus that can leave me deaf if I have any sort of sexual intercourse with her".

The friend replies: "Talk louder man, I cannot hear you at all".

The good doctor

Dr. Jones was having mixed feeling after having intercourse with a patient. One voice kept saying "follow your heart" another kept saying "remember, you're a vet"

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Custer's Last Thought

There was a man who was obsessed about the wild west. Cowboys and Indians, this guy loved it all.

One day he was in his house looking at his already massive collection, and suddenly he gets an idea how to expand it furthermore.

He calls up a painter and says "I want you to paint me a p...

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Things are tough al over

A man was having a hard time keeping ends meet so he had a talk to his wife, which was very beautiful and had a great body. "Wife, I do not think we will have enough money this month so I am going to need you help", he said. She responded; " Anything I can do, how can I help?" He responded; "Well I ...

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