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Intercourse Jokes

Intercourse

When you're in love, intercourse is called "making love." When it's lust, intercourse is called "screwing." When it's marriage, intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

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I had questionable intercourse in an English County once

It was Sussex.

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During an intercourse, what makes your wife scream the most?

When I wipe my cock on a curtain.

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I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

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Sex, intercourse and duck were sentenced to prison

Sex, intercourse and duck were sentenced to prison. The warder asked duck "I can see you're different from the new inmates, what was your offence?". Duck replied " I really don't know but I can bet I'm here because of autocorrect"

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What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?

Holy fuck.

What's a four letter word ending with 'K' that means intercourse?

Talk.

What do you call it when spooning leads to intercourse?

Forking

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How to make a woman scream long after the intercourse?

Wipe your dick in the curtains

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On any given day, sexual intercourse takes place 120 million times on earth.

Apparently, I live on the moon.

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$7 SEX!!!

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse? '
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice tha...

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During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless..

..

Girl: What the heck are you doing??

Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called "buffering"

NSFW What did one spice say to the other during intercourse?

I'M CUMIN!!

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I had intercourse with a police officer

So i fucked the police

Professing your love for a girl during intercourse is cliche.

You need to think outside the box.

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During intercourse my blind girlfriend shouted "you have a huge dick!"

I just told her to stop pulling my leg.

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A young good looking woman married an old man.

The marriage was pretty good except for the bedroom. The old man just couldn’t please her. One day they decided to go to the doctor.

The woman told the doctor:
“No matter how long or often we try, he just can’t please me.”

The doctor said:
“I have a solution for your problem. Yo...

Joe was doing a crossword puzzle in a train car.

the guy next to him and the two women behind her were also doing the same puzzle.

once, the guy asked him "whats a word ending with *k* and means intercourse?"

he replied "talk"

behind him, the woman asked "hey you got an eraser?"



later the guy asked "you know a w...

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

What do you call a male square having intercourse?

An erectangle.

Intercourse is a lot like AirPods

It seems like everybody has it, but I just know that for me it cost a lot of money to get it.

I CAME HOME EARLY FROM WORK ONE AFTERNOON AND FOUND MY WIFE AND BEST FRIEND HAVING INTERCOURSE.

###

I couldn't believe it.


I was in tears.


I could never trust her again.


I sent her away and told her to never return. It was over.


Still weeping, I sat on the bed next to my best friend.


I said, "bad dog".

It's crazy that the service industry expects 25% tips.

At that point, they should just call it intercourse.

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In the Catholic Church, Priests of any race, color or ethnic origin are disallowed from sexual intercourse

Celibate Diversity

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I will be hosting a benefit for men who have problems ejaculating during intercourse tomorrow evening at 6:00.

If you can’t come, let me know.

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

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The scientific experiment

Three international urologists were arguing amongst themselves as to why the head of a man’s penis is larger in circumference than the shaft.

At the end, they decided to go back to their respective countries and perform sexual scientific experimentation, and then share their written conclusi...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of the said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
...

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

I'd love to have oral intercourse with my girlfriend, but...

... I don't want to hurt her fillings

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Are you having intercourse with Joseph King?

Cause you gotta be fuckin Joe King!

Why do geologists perform so well during intercourse?

They really know how to make bedrock.

My brother is having regular intercourse with his best friend an is terrible at keeping it a secret from me

But he does his bestie

After multiple rounds of intercourse, I admitted all of my flaws and secrets to my SO

They said that was very fourth-coming of me.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Priest calls a town meeting about rumors of ghosts... (long)

In a small rural town rumors start to spread that people are seeing ghosts, so the new and inexperienced priest hears about these rumors and decides to call a town meeting to get to the bottom of these rumors. After everyone arrives the priest then starts the meeting with a question: "Who here has s...

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Dork Ruined Joke Then Deleted It Because He Couldn't Stand The Downvotes: Reposted Right

An American gentleman arranged a liaison with a Japanese lady. As they were indulging in sexual intercourse, she repeatedly shouted a Japanese word which he did not understand but took to mean "Wonderful" or something similar which increased his ardor, his efforts with the lady, and his enjoyment, a...

Having intercourse is like having pasta

Because it involves penne tration

If bees reproduce by slave bees having intercourse with the queen bee...

... Then is it safe to say they're into BeeDSM?

What do you call the man who had intercourse with 25 cents?

A quarter pounder

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

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The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when

I was a sperm.

Old School Turtle Test

The Turtle Test tests how clean your mind is. There are four questions. Each question is correctly answered with a clean response.

Q1: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs?

A1: >!Shake hands.!<

Q2: What's it called when two co...

A husband and his wife are having financial difficulties. After many nights and days of talking, with ideas coming and going, they decide she should try prostitution.

They agree on the prices- £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral, and £100 for intercourse, the husband would be waiting in the car.
She meets a guy in a bar and he accepts her advances so she tell him the prices.
She says "Its £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral and £100 for intercourse."
"Gee,"...

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The trumpeter

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno h...

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

A man and a woman are about to have intercourse

Woman: Do you have protection

Man: Yes, I spend $2.99 on my monthly NordVPN subscription

Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my wife is the only student.

She's getting a D

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

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A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from sex.

The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in inte...

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Survey

A newspaper was doing a survey on sexual habits. One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman, wearing a black suit, and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year," said the gentleman. The questioner smiled, saying, "I thought you Italians were suppos...

What course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble?

Intercourse.

Had a dream a horrible coworker came back to work. I woke up worried about it possibly coming true.

Then I remembered I also dreamed my wife and I had intercourse. So that means the entire dream was improbable.

A boy came to his mother and asked her "Mom, where did I come from?"

The woman explained intercourse, insemination, conception, pregnancy and birth to her son in easy-to-understand terms. However, he still was puzzled, so she asked him "Do you understand what I said?"

The boy replied "Yes, I do, but what I want to know is where I came from. Jimmy in my class s...

Patient: Doc I make my lover call me Sigma during intercourse. Does that make me weird?

Psychologist: not at all, it's a standard deviation.

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Three guys participate in an annual contest of monkey breeding..

The rules are simple, each participant have an intercourse with a monkey, who can make the monkey give birth to most baby monkeys, wins.

Number three is the last 3 years champion and a natural favorite. Everybody bets their money on him.

First guy gets in an spends 4 hours with the mon...

My friend is a prison warden currently doing sensitivity training. His homework entails "What would you do if you saw two curious inmates indulging in intercourse? "

I said "Why can't we just let bi-cons be bi-cons?!"

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

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A newlywed couple are about to sleep together…

Before the intercourse begins the wife says, “give me 30 dollars.” The husband says, “for WHAT?!”. She says, “everytime we have sex, you are to give me 30 dollars.” The husband relectuantly complies.

After 40 years of marriage, the wife comes home really happy one day with the news of a smal...

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Studies Show..

The American Government funded a study to learn why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After a year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason was to give the man more pleasure during intercourse.

After that study was published, the French Government decided to do their ow...

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Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors.
After tests, the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to purchase a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during intercourse. After 20 minutes of wafting ...

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Her 9-year old grandson came in from outside and asked,

"Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?"
Taken aback, she decided to be honest, "It's called sexual intercourse."
"Oh, okay," and he went back to play with his friends. A few minutes later he returned saying angrily, "Grandma, it...

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Why do black people have red eyes after sexual intercourse?

Because of the pepper spray.

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

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The Jar in the bar

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, here's the deal. You pay 10 dollars, and if you pass th...

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What every doctor is taught in med school.

"What the patient says he drinks, double. What he says he smokes, triple. Frequency of sexual intercourse, divide by four.”

I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have intercourse with them self wins.

So I entered myself.

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So this guy - who I don't know - walks into the bar I'm at, sits down next to me, and starts telling me a story about his latest conquest

This guy sits next to me and says - "Hey man - last night I hooked up with this totally hot F'n girl. I was talking to this F'n chick for about half an hour."

He continues - "I asked her from where she was from - and it was my F'n home town. She went to the same F'n high school as me. I neve...

A man is preparing to board a train.....

when he hears that the Pope is also going to be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wanted to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when ...

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A man is talking to his best friend...

He confides to him: "I haven't fucked my wife all month, the doctors discovered that she is carrying a strange virus that can leave me deaf if I have any sort of sexual intercourse with her".

The friend replies: "Talk louder man, I cannot hear you at all".

What does Kenny G fantasize about every night?

Saxual intercourse.

So, I have decided to take this course at the college

Intercourse

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Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

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A man goes to a psychiatrist

A man goes to a psychiatrist for a variety of psychological issues.

During the interview the subject of sex comes up.

The doctor asked him how often do you have intercourse with your wife?
Three times a week he replied.

And what's your favorite position that you both enjoy?...

Little Mikey

A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”
-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
-
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes....

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra..

"How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intercourse."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety ye...

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Mother Superior calls allbthe nuns to a meeting.

All 100 nuns show up wondering what this meeting is about.

"We have discovered that one of you has had sexual intercourse" states the Mother Superior.

99 of the nuns gasp.
"Hehehe," laughs one nun.

"We have also found a condom that was used."

99 of the nuns gasp. ...

My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district

Needless to say, I have started calling her the "Intercourse Champion of the County "

Lent

My wife gave up intercourse for lent. I wish she would have told me. I might have joined her.

A man enters a brothel...

he talks to the Madame and tells her:" I am an exceptional pervert, i have tried unimaginably disgusting acts, but now i have run out of ideas, do you have something disgusting and unusual for me?"
The Madame tells him to go to a room on the 2nd floor and talk to the girl there.
He goes to...

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Three couples are meeting with their pastor to discuss joining the leadership team.

The pastor told them to be part of the ministry team they must learn sacrifice. To sacrifice their earthly desires. He asks that if they are truly felt lead to be in the ministry they must forgo sexual intimacy for one month. They shared glances all around and agreed, and closed the meeting in pray...

The good doctor

Dr. Jones was having mixed feeling after having intercourse with a patient. One voice kept saying "follow your heart" another kept saying "remember, you're a vet"

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an older man and his young wife are having problems in the bedroom...

the young women is unable to climax

so they decide to take the problem to their priest and ask for advice.

the priest confirms that sex is an important part of marriage and he suggests they hire a young man to wave a towel in front of the womens face to help her lose herself and to coo...

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Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.

At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.

She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made lo...

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Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be unti...

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Survey About Sex and Happiness

Years ago, I did a simple survey. Basically, I was trying to determine how the frequency of sexual intercourse correlates to happiness. I went to my college campus and started observing people. I saw a woman who looked somewhat unhappy, so I asked "how often do you have sex?" and she said "once a...

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