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Lax Jokes

The pilot and copilot are coming into LAX and they are nervous.

Sweat pouring off their brows, they bring the 737 down quickly. As soon as the wheels touch they throw the engines into reverse, stand on the brakes as hard as they can and cry "Stop! Please stop!" The plane stops an inch from the end of the runway. The pilot says "That was the shortest runway I eve...

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Why'd you put ex-lax in the pot brownies?

Ah... Just for shits and giggles.

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Southern Charm

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether ...

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Three tourists board a taxi at LAX

One is German, one is Italian, the other is Japanese. En route to their accommodation, a Porsche speeds past the taxi, prompting the German to brag 'Porsche, very fast. Made in Germany'.


A few miles later, a Lamborghini speed past, prompting the Italian to brag 'Lamborghini, very fast. ...

What do you get if you mix Ex-Lax with holy water?

A religious movement.

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Ex-lax

Did you know that all boxes of Ex-lax have been recalled? You can't buy Ex-lax anywhere. Really..I'm not shittin'.

A Right to Life Group recently picketed my flight to LAX

They protested against the Aborted Takeoff

What’s the generic name for MiraLax?

#Myroxadroppin

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My doctor prescribed me viagra and ex-lax today.

Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

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Got stoned and decided to buy a bottle of ex-lax

Just for shits and giggles.

What do you get when you mix Nyquil and MiraLAX?

Relaxatives.

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Last night I went to a bar and someone put a Mira-Lax in my drink

Overall, it was a pretty shitty night

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too...

Cure for coughing

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best ...

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws. ...

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I just patented my new combination aphrodisiac and stool softener!

SexLax: "Easy come, easy go!"

Wow! A sort-by-new gold! I'm honoured!

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

What do you call a person sleeping in LA’s airport?

SnorLAX

I would hate to fly on an airline out of Los Angeles...

The security there is always so LAX

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday.

She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer.

She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to he...

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

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The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

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The pilot and the Air Traffic Controller

Planes were waiting to take of at LAX. Been waiting for some time when a pilot radioed, "I'm fucking bored."

The tower immediately responded tersely with, "pilot who just made that comment, identify yourself."

After a few moments the tower heard, "I said I was fucking bored, not fuckin...

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"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

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