UPJOKE
recommendorderadministertreatdictateimposemandateinflictadvocatedispensetellpatientsvisitmedicineenjoin

Prescribed Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

I've been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can't wait to rub it in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation

Thought it was a strange until on the way home i saw a dragon and shit myself

Why was the Mexican prescribed Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

A Women was prescribed male hormones

for a rare heart condition. After a few weeks, she became concerned about some side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor," she said, "the hormones are helping my heart, but I am afraid that you have given me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown it before."...

Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.

He told him it would help him control hispanics.

The doctor prescribed some domperidone for my nausea.

I was a bit apprehensive at first but I've been sipping this champagne and it worked like a charm!

Happy New Year everyone!

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Doctor prescribed me pills for 14 days

I had to do another 7 days because they were too weak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me a new medication.

It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids. The doctor prescribes him suppositories to take every day then says to come back in a week. The man isn't entirely sure what a suppository is but at the pharmacy sees they're pills so he does as instructed, swallowing one every day. After a week he...

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been unable to sleep due to severely sunburned legs. I went to the doctor and he prescribed Viagra.

Me: "Wow, I didn't know Viagra helps for sunburn."

Doc: "It doesn't, but it will help keep the bedding off your legs."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my sex drive, but now ..

No hard feelings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me some iron pills. Apparently they make your poop go way dark...

That's black-shit-crazy!

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor prescribed me viagra and ex-lax today.

Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication

it was a tough pill to swallow

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

My doctor prescribed me a drink to help with my Parkinson's disease.

On the front it says, "Shake before use."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man haunted by his sins went to the church for a confession with the priest...

There's a devout Catholic man who once committed a regrettable act – he gave his best friend a blowjob while intoxicated. Filled with remorse, he decided to seek forgiveness from God and headed to the church.

Inside the church, he approached the priest and says he wants to confessed his sin, ...

I needed a new Doctor so I checked Google.

All those Google Docs prescribed me was a bunch of new documents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A visit to the doctor's

A guy went to the doctor's office complaining of a sore tail-bone.

The doctor gave him some pain-killers in a suppository.

When the guy goes back to the doctors' office he says "I don't think much of those suppositories you prescribed! They were a bastard to swallow, and for all the g...

A man has serious a Gas Problem.

Then he came to visit a doctor, saying he has a serious problem, but every time he farts there is no noise and Smell.

Then added " i have farted 20 times while talking to you"
Then doctor prescribed some medicine and said to visit him after 2 weeks.

After 2 weeks, he came to visit t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.
“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft gr...

A doctor is sitting in his office and is waiting for his next patient

A man enters the room. He tells the doctor that he has a back injury from yesterdays activities. The doctor asks him what he did that cause his back injury.

"Well Doctor, I came home early yesterday after work and found a pair of mens shoes that do not belong to me. I rushed upstairs and foun...

Doctor please

Doctor: "I'm afraid you're going to have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of your life."

Patient: "But you only prescribed 7 pills!"

Doctor: "Exactly!"

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife Isn't Home

A middle aged man goes to the doctor because he'd been having problems in the bedroom. After a quick examination the doctor prescribed Viagra and told hem to take one about half an hour before he planned to have sex. On the way home, the man decided he was going to surprise his wife so he took one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man goes to the doctors office. The doctor asks "what's the problem?"



The old man says, "I had an erection."

The doctor looks at the patient's chart and says, "I see you've been prescribed Viagra for your blood pressure. That's a common side effect. How long has it lasted?"

The old man replies, "only 10 minutes."

The doctor says, "...

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

Woman goes to the doctor...

Doctor prescribed her some pills and she asks:
"Hey Doc., can I take these pills with my period?"
- Doc: "Ermm.... sure, but I'd recommend chugging them down with water!..."

I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...

The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

Remedy

"Doctor, you prescribed me this strengthening remedy last week."
"Yeah, what about it?"
"I can't open the bottle."

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*The Viagra package*

The man was just prescribed Viagra to help his love life.


Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

I went to see my GP because I have a fear of palindromes.

**He prescribed me xanax**

I told my doctor I was getting really stressed about my chronic constipation.

He prescribed me a relaxative.

Always read the package insert

"Doc, the suppository you prescribed... they really stuck to my gum and teeth".

"What? You didn't swallow them, did you?"

"Of course I did, what else was I supposed to do with them, shove 'em up my ass?"

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend'...

So this woman had some heart troubles….

She went to see her doctor who prescribed testosterone.

About a month later she returns for a checkup. Doctor asks her how she’s been. She says: "Fine, but I have some unexpected hairgrowth in unusual places."
Doc says: "really? Like where?"

She says: "at my balls"…

Stop saying no to drugs

You talking to inanimate objects is the reason why your doctor prescribed them to you in the first place.

Farmer calls the vet

A farmer bought a new bull to service his heard, after the first day the bull wasn't doing his job so the farmer rang the vet.
The vet came and checked the bull over and gave the farmer pills to give the bull.
The following day the farmer gave the bull 6 pills and the bull took off across the ...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"

The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.

A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.

The doctor prescribes more medi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the pharmacy to get some Viagra..

The pharmacist asked me if I had it prescribed.
I answered: No, but you can see a pic of my girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me ho...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
becau...

Mixed up nurse

A doctor walks into a ward in his hospital and sees one of his patients is half dead. He calls the nurse over and asks

"Nurse, did you give this man three spoonfuls of medicine every four hours, as prescribed?"

The nurse replies, "No, I gave him four spoonfuls of medicine every three h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.


Dapple was driving ...

Doctor Visit

I told my doctor that the pills she prescribed had me seeing colors.

She said it was a pigment of my imagination.

A man with vision problems...

A man and his family have had a long history of problems with their eyesight, most remedied by prescription glasses. He's in his forties now when he starts to lose the overall quality of his vision and starts going to various doctors.

He gets prescribed a pair of prescription glasses and to n...

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis

Doctor: "So I prescribed you blood thinners last month, have you been taking them?"

Man: "No. I have a great reason why not though"

Doctor: "Aaah! The clot thickens!"

Best medicine

Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.

Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.