Why is Carlos prescribed xanax?

Because of hispanic attacks.

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My doctor prescribed me medicines for dailysex.

But my girlfriend keeps telling me, its for dyslexia.

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

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I've been unable to sleep due to severely sunburned legs. I went to the doctor and he prescribed Viagra.

Me: "Wow, I didn't know Viagra helps for sunburn."

Doc: "It doesn't, but it will help keep the bedding off your legs."

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At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my sex drive, but now ..

No hard feelings.

My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.

It’s called Enditol.

Did you hear the one about the guy whose doctor prescribed him faulty ED medication?

He had thrust issues.

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “*So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''

The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “*No. I’m afraid to*.”

My doctor prescribed anti-gloating ointment.

I can't wait to rub it in.

A Women was prescribed male hormones

for a rare heart condition. After a few weeks, she became concerned about some side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor," she said, "the hormones are helping my heart, but I am afraid that you have given me too much. I am starting to grow hair in places I have never grown it before."...

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I didn't understand why the doctor prescribed me LSD for my constipation....

...until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

Doctor prescribed me pills for 14 days

I had to do another 7 days because they were too weak.

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My doctor prescribed me some iron pills. Apparently they make your poop go way dark...

That's black-shit-crazy!

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

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My doctor prescribed me Viagra for my depression

He thought it would lift me up, but it just makes everything a whole lot harder.

A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break

He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
“What’s wrong with this man?” The pharmacist asks his assistant.
“He has a terrible cough!” The assistant replied. “And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.”

The customer gives a soft gr...

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

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My doctor prescribed me Medical Marijuana and Viagra

Now I sleep hard

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FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

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My doctor prescribed me a new medication.

It’s called Fukitol. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had none left to give.

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I was talking to a man who was prescribed Viagra as an anti-depressant

He told me how life keeps getting harder and harder

Donald Trump's doctor has recently prescribed him Prozac.

He told him it would help him control hispanics.

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My therapist prescribed me some HGH

They thought it might help me grow up a little bit.

Satan went to the doctor because he felt he wasn’t evil enough for the current times….

After his check up the doctor prescribed to him some meta-sin.

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A new stipulation which would have allowed medical marijuana to be prescribed for constipation was rejected in Congress today...

The Congressman’s closing remarks were “shit or get off the pot”

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The doctor prescribed Viagra for the sunburn on my legs.

It didn’t cure the sunburn, but it kept the sheets off of my legs.

Doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to start taking after my first dinner, I however took them before...

So I could take on the bacteria by surprise.

Got prescribed a new medicine for a minor condition a few weeks ago and the last few days every time I walk by an area with dirt or grass I zoom in a worm. Like (almost) every time--I don't know if it's some kind of weird worm bloom in my area or if I'm developing some kind of super vision

Should have read the side effects of the new medicine... it can cause bird vision.

A boy goes to the doctor and gets some medicine prescribed

The next week he comes back and the doctor asks him: well, how did it go? Did you do as I said? Every day 1 teaspoon of the medicine and a warm bath? I tried, the boy replies, but I just couldn’t finish the warm bath!

A doctor prescribed testosterone for menopause symptoms...

..and he told his patient to call him immediately if she had any ill side effects. Two weeks later the patient called her doctor:

Patient: “Doc, I am having some weird side effects from the testosterone treatment.”

Doc: “What’s the problem?”

Patient: “ Well, I’m in the shower ri...

John went to the doctors for a stomach pain that had been bothering him for months.

The doctor quickly identified the problem and prescribed some painkillers to alleviate the symptoms. But he explained:
"They're suppositories, so need to be taken rectally. I'll do the first one for you, so you know how."
So John bends forward and the doctor inserts the first suppository. It's...

Always read the package insert

"Doc, the suppository you prescribed... they really stuck to my gum and teeth".

"What? You didn't swallow them, did you?"

"Of course I did, what else was I supposed to do with them, shove 'em up my ass?"

I know a guy who had a pet pig.

This pig got sick one day, suffering from fear of what would happen when he finally got eaten, and turned into a nice juicy ham. My friend took him to the vet, to see why this pig was acting depressed(not eating, not sleeping, etc.). The vet prescribed one thing: cure him.

tld;dr: my friend'...

Why was the watchman prescribed laxatives?

To help him pass the time.

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My doctor prescribed me viagra and ex-lax today.

Now I don't know if I'm coming or going.

My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication

it was a tough pill to swallow

My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.

They’re not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.

So this woman had some heart troubles….

She went to see her doctor who prescribed testosterone.

About a month later she returns for a checkup. Doctor asks her how she’s been. She says: "Fine, but I have some unexpected hairgrowth in unusual places."
Doc says: "really? Like where?"

She says: "at my balls"…

My doctor prescribed me a drink to help with my Parkinson's disease.

On the front it says, "Shake before use."

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be ex...

I got jet lag on my last trip to Paris...

The French doctor prescribed me something to keep track of time: Queloratil.

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

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An old man goes to the doctor

An old man goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need a cure for my constant memory lapses... and since I'm here, I also need something that will make my dick harden." The doctor says that both problems are solvable, but that it would better to treat only one at a time. The old man replies that, given his age...

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[NSFW] A man walks into his doctor's office visibly upset

"Doctor!" the man exclaims

"The medicine you prescribed me doesn't work!"


The doctor, who is immediately confused, replies

"If it didn't work, you wouldn't be here right now. You'd be hospitalized or dead. What makes you think it doesn't work?"

The man explains "I kn...

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence.
The senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
becau...

I went to see my GP because I have a fear of palindromes.

**He prescribed me xanax**

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I was at the pharmacy to get some Viagra..

The pharmacist asked me if I had it prescribed.
I answered: No, but you can see a pic of my girlfriend.

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

An elderly woman goes to the doctor's because she is concerned her constant farting.

She says " the farts are always silent and don't smell, but they're a nuisance"

The doctor prescribed some medication, and tells her to be back in a week.

A week later, she comes back, concerned, and complains that her farts are now terribly loud.

The doctor prescribes more medi...

Stop saying no to drugs

You talking to inanimate objects is the reason why your doctor prescribed them to you in the first place.

Doctor Visit

I told my doctor that the pills she prescribed had me seeing colors.

She said it was a pigment of my imagination.

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So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pul...

An elderly lady went to the doctor to discuss her stubborn husband's erectile dysfunction

Upon explaining the situation to the doctor, he told her to take these little blue pills, slip one in his coffee, and he would be good to go in no time. So later that day, the elderly lady and her husband are having coffee and she slips a pill into his without him noticing. Shortly after, he picks u...

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Suppositories

A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.
She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?' Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker...

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Problems at work

I've got to a change jobs", the patient said to his psychiatrist. "I've worked in a pickled onion factory for ten years, and last week I started to get this uncontrollable urge to put my dick in the onion peeler."
The psychiatrist explains about workplace stress and told him he must learn to re...

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A woman storms into a doctor’s office and demands to see the doctor immediately.

The attendant, flustered, says there will be a wait, but the woman refuses and stomps past the attendant’s desk and into an exam room. Moments later, the doctor enters.

“Okay Mrs. Thompson, what is the problem you’re so angry about?”

Mrs. Thompson opens her blouse, revealing a thick g...

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My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

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