Condolences Jokes

Priest :"I'm very sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Widower: "Can you give me the WiFi password for this place?"

Priest: "You realise we're about to bury your wife?"

Widower: "is that all lower case?"

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday... read more

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<... read more

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad... read more

They send their thots and players

Moments later, one of the mules pulling the plow kicks her right in the head, killing her.

After the funeral, the priest walks up to the bereaved man and asks, "I noticed that many people approached you and offered their condolences. Whenever a woman would approach you and speak, I could see ... read more

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."... read more

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i... read more

He does this for several days, drinking one, and then the next one, and then the last one. After a week or two, the bartender says
"You know, I can bring you your drinks one at a time, so they stay fresh and cold"
"No, no" the Irishman says to the bartender "I have two brothers. One... read more

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it... read more

Then he'd sit at a table, drinks each one by himself and leaves.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks, until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

"Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were t... read more

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh... read more

and I would like to offer my condolences to the grieving families of the second group.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.

The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since ... read more

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ... read more

My sincere condolences to those who died in the car accident next month.

A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."

The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time befor... read more

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo... read more

One day when the man walks in and orders his three beers, a bartender decides to ask the man "Wouldn't you rather have your beers one by one to keep the other two cold? To which the man answers "No. I'm ordering three beers because I have two brothers and this way it feels like we're drinking togeth... read more

I lean over and ask him how there is an empty seat. He told me that he bought the tickets several months ago for him and his wife, but the wife unfortunately passed. I give my condolences, and I ask him why none of his family members took the ticket. He responded that they are all at the funeral.

I will be sending my condolences to 95% of this subreddit

My deepest condolences for the loss of your dog.

"With no spaces?"

At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept. won ,9-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of ... read more

Days pass until unfortunately, the wife dies.


At the funeral parlor, the undertaker approaches the man and after offering his condolences, says

'We have a wide range of services. We can bury your wife in a coffin like Christians, we can have a cremation like indians, mummification ... read more

A snail goes to a car meet.
Another snail goes up to him and says
"Sweet ride, is this yours?"
1st snail responds
"naw, it was my friend's. He passed away last year."
2nd snail says.
"Damn, my condolences. He has great taste though. "
1st snail then says
"yeah, escargots 0... read more

A long funeral procession, a casket drawn by a horse and a long procession of women following. Another woman standing at the side of the road asks what must be the grieving widow "What happened?" "Well", said the widow", it's my man. His horse reared up, dropped him and stepped on him. My husband di... read more

His wife had been hit by a car. Incredibly, the car screeched around the block and struck her once more before speeding off, never to be found.

The man was accepting condolences after the service. An old friend said to him, "I know you'll miss her."

"*Miss* her?" the man replied. "I go... read more

An Irish man walks into a bar, asks for three beers, chugs them all and leaves. He does this every week for several weeks, until finally the bartender asks him the reason of his ritual.

The man looks at him and says he has two more brothers with whom he always got together weekly to have a be... read more

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha... read more

I just looked down and gave my condolences

Condolences from the UK on Trump winning the election.

They each bring their lunches to to the top of the building.

The first worker says, "Turkey, turkey, turkey. If I have turkey one more time, I'm gonna jump off of this building." He opens his lunch box and finds turkey, so he jumps to his death.

The second worker says, "Tuna, tuna, tun... read more

My co-worker had just lost his wife.
After he came back to work, I went to speak to him and give my condolences.

Me: Really sorry to hear about your wife

Co-worker: It's OK, I will survive. This is not the first time it has happened.

I was surprised.

Me: Sorry, I did... read more

Three men are at the gates of Heaven. The first walks up to Saint Peter, who asks him how he died.

"I knew my wife was cheating on me, but I had no proof, so I went home early one day to catch her. I walked in and saw her lying naked in bed, but I didn't see the guy anywhere. I looked in the ... read more

A man in the bar strikes up a conversation with the soldier.

"So sorry if I'm being rude, but how'd you lose your leg?"

"Explosion in the war. I miss my friends too much here and I want to go back. They won't let me with my injuries though."

"They still stationed in Afghanistan?... read more

and she brought her mother to live with them. After 3 weeks of nagging, the mother in law went out one morning to the barn to the donkey stall. She was picking up the straw, and saw a spider. She shrieked, and the alarmed donkey kicked her in the head and killed her.

All the farmer's neighbou... read more

As his wife approaches she's irritated and nagging about something and just as she stands there the horse kicks her and kills her on the spot.

A funeral is held and afterwards everybody comes up to the widower one by one shaking his hand and saying a few words. The priest notices how the wido... read more

A man was talking to his friend on the phone after many years:

"Hey buddy, how is your life, heards you got married again, is this the fourth time now?"

"Yes"

"So what happened to your ex-wives, do you still see them?"

"No, they're all dead."

"My condolences, how ... read more

An old lady visits her usual Doctor. And says " Doc, I've had a long hard life. I'm sick and tired of being constantly sick and tired. I just want to end all my suffering. So, I thought I would ask you where the best place to shoot myself would be. That would be quick and painless." To which the Doc... read more

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.



The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.



An hour later, the man has finished the three beers ... read more

A man goes to the pharmacy. He asks the pharmacist for a black condom. The pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think they exist."

"Find one." The man says. "I've seen them, I know that they exist." The pharmacist promises to look, but doesn't believe he'll find anything.

Three day... read more

- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell ... read more

It was the biggest game of the season, and all the seats were taken. Because of this, my buddies had to sit further away from me

I looked over and saw the two seats to my left were empty. Curious, I asked the guy beside the empty seats if anyone was coming for them.

"My wife was suppos... read more

A couple decide to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by visiting the same hotel in Spain they'd visited for their honeymoon.

In the excitement, they get to the airport but sadly find the plane is overbooked.

The wife says to the husband, "don't worry, you catch this flight and I... read more

It's the World Cup Final and Tim decides to go to the match. He sits down and notices that the position beside him is empty. Then he turns to the guy who is sitting next to the empty seat and asks if the seat is taken. "No," the man says, "the seat is empty". "That's unbelievable," says Tim. "Who wo... read more

... Little Timmy answers the door by sliding it slowly open, inspecting the salesman standing tall with his briefcase.

- hello there kiddo, may I speak to your father? The man asked little Timmy.

Timmy swiftly replies before cleaning his running nose with his sleeve. "sorry my dad got... read more

He sits down at the end of the bar and orders three stouts. The bartender raises an eyebrow but says nothing. He serves the beers. After the second round of the same order the bartender breaks his silence.

“Wouldn’t you enjoy them more if you ordered them one after another?”

The man ch... read more

An Irishman walks into a bar in New York City and orders three pints of beer. He drinks each one in turn, and walks out. The next night he returns, and again orders three pints of beer, and then again the next night. The bartender offers to serve them consecutively so they won’t go flat, but the ... read more

The bartender asks him why he ordered three shots.
"My life-long friends and I have a tradition. We grew up together but have since gone our separate ways. One is in England and one in the USA, but we each go into a bar on the same day every year and order three shots of whiskey. It's as if we a... read more

Musharraf - "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that..

Bush - "What buildings? What people?"

Musharraf - "Oh, what time is it in America... read more

...several nights a week and drinks them down. The bartender asks him why he doesn't order them one at a time so they will stay cold. The guy replies "I'm from Ireland and my brothers are still there. This helps me to think that they're right here with me".

Months go by and the guy walks in,... read more

First post in /r/jokes. Heard this one years ago. Hopefully it's not a repost

One day a man walks into an Irish pub and immediately orders 3 pints of beer. Confused that he's ordering them all at once, the bartender asks "Are they all for you?"

"That they are" the Irishman replies, "Yo... read more

One day Billy's teacher yells at him for not doing his homework. He feels upset and when in bed he prays' Dear God, please kill my teacher"

When he goes to the school, he learns that his teacher passed away. He comes back home amazed by the power of his new forms of communication.

Se... read more