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Embarrassed Jokes

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come s...

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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said

"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh...

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

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"I showed my doctor my weird bum rash, but he was all embarrassed and uncomfortable."

"How unprofessional, what did he say?"

"He told me to go back to my table, so he and his wife could enjoy their dinner."

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch.

Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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I'm embarrassed by my donkey fetish

Sometimes it makes me feel like an ass.

Why was the pond embarrassed?

Because you could see it’s bottom.

My 8yo came up with this one.

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I told my son that masturbation is perfectly normal and heathy and nothing to be embarrassed about.

"OK, Dad," he said, "but could you do it somewhere else please?"

At first, I wasn't embarrassed about the way I broke my arm

But I heard the doctors calling it a "humerus fracture"

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My new girlfriend just told me what her fetish is, but I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends.

But I better get this shit off my chest.

I used to be embarrassed by my geology fetish.

I started off stroking gravel but now I'm feeling a little boulder.

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

My friend called me in church and I was so embarrassed

My ringtone is highway to hell

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Man goes to a doctor and sees the patient is looking very embarrassed.

The doctor says, "So why did you come to see me today?" The patient says, "Well, I have a problem, but it's kind of humiliating. Please promise you won't laugh!" The doctor assures the patient that he won't laugh. "I'm a professional and have seen a lot throughout my years."

The patient r...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

Why was the zombie embarrassed in bed?

He had resurrectile disfunction

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

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A guy goes to Africa to teach a Native tribe how to speak English

The guy said to the chief "lion" and the chief would say Lion. The guy said "Tiger" and the chief said tiger. After a couple weeks the chief was understanding English fairly well.

The man and the chief are having a stroll down a pathway when they see a man a woman having sex in the bushes. ...

Why was the gardener so embarrassed?

Because he wet his plants

I just came up with this one, and I feel embarrassed, but... Researchers have found a personality trait common to all people missing a limb from birth, but NOT among amputees.

.. they're all stubborn.

When my girlfriend’s father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald’s, so instead, I said …

"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"

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If you feel embarrassed at a Japanese Onsen...

Just imagine everyone in their underwear

(Classic Joke) A woman and her male neighbour each buy greenhouses…

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed ...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Why was the vegetable store robber embarrassed?

He got caught taking a leek

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

The Chess Grand Master was embarrassed when they found out he used to play a much simpler game…

…that’s right, he had a “checkered past.”

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

If some poor people are just temporarily embarrassed millionaires...

Does that mean some rich people are temporarily flattered homeless bums?

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

A young lady was swimming at a pool in the gym and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.

To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her bit exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.


This got even more attention. She looked down at the sign: “...

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What do you call an embarrassed toilet?

"Flush-turd"

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

Why was Kylo Ren embarrassed at McDonald's?

It was his First Order!

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A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad bec...

I would donate blood more often, but I'm embarrassed about all the personal questions they ask

Like "who's blood is this?" and "how did you get so much?"

They: "Don't you think you'll feel embarrassed by all your suicide jokes when you get older?"

Me: "When I what?"

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A man went to the doctor but was embarrassed when he realised it was a female doctor.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor.

"I don't want to show you, you'll laugh" replied the man timidly.

The doctor tried her best to reassure the man. "I've been a doctor for twenty three years, never once have I laughed at a patient. I assure you, whatever the problem is, ...

My Mate was losing his hair and was really embarrassed by it.

I said to him don't worry mate i have a solution, intrigued and exited by this, he said what is the solution?: I said put Rabbits on your head. Is this a special cure he asked?

I said no, but from a distance they will look like Hares:

A man should only feel embarrassed twice in his life.

First time when he can’t get it up for the second time, and second time when he can’t get it up for the first time.

Why was the plant embarrassed?

It soiled itself. *Buh dum ts* *Dodges tomatoes*

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen...

Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

My wife has been sleeping around with other men. Our church pastor is coming over tonight to offer advise. My wife is baking cookies but I'm embarrassed because the cookies are...

Ho-made

A husband was bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection

A husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to anot...

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