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Sympathy Jokes

I don’t have a lot of empathy or sympathy for anyone else.

Not sure how I feel about that.

Woman: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.

Man: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never get sympathy when people find out I always cry after having sex

Apparently it’s ‘my fault I’m in prison’.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

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Like grandma always says: if you want sympathy...

You can always find it in the dictionary between syphilis and shit.

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kick...

Future generations increasingly find it harder to receive sympathy as they get sick

My grandchild was sick the other day and I asked him if it was the flu.

“No, it’s the new COVID-69.”

All I could say was, “nice.”

So I'm at a fancy restaurant with a date

The waiter asks if I want red wine or white wine with the meal. "I don't care; I'm color-blind." My date laughs. I guess she doesn't have any sympathy for the color-blind.

So the waiter brings over a bottle. The label says "2013." I tell the waiter I want some wine that isn't 10 years beyond ...

Given the tragedy of the Australian fires ravaging the country for weeks, the streaming community would like to extend our heartfelt sympathy.

Our Thots and Players are with you.

Caught an STI and felt sad.

Got the sympathy clap.

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit dr...

I hear you, brother

\- Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.

The gentleman replied: - Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have I!

So a guy walks into a bar.

He drags his feet to the bar, and sits a bag on the counter top.

The bag moves a little bit, and the bartender says, " Hey man, no animals in the bar."

The guy looks at him and starts pulling some things out of the bag: a small bench, a small piano, a little book and a small 12" man i...

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...

And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.

I told him no thanks. I know the spokesperson never...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Even though she was a severe woman, I told my grandmother when my car got stolen...

She said, “if you’re looking for sympathy , you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis”

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


T...

Three construction workers are sitting down to lunch...

They each bring their lunches to to the top of the building.

The first worker says, "Turkey, turkey, turkey. If I have turkey one more time, I'm gonna jump off of this building." He opens his lunch box and finds turkey, so he jumps to his death.

The second worker says, "Tuna, tuna, tun...

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

At the Hallmark store

"Do you sell sympathy cards?" I asked at the Hallmark store.

"Yes we do." replied the clerk.

"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

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Two women friends went for a girl's night out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails...

Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them...

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

I had a customer who used to come to my pub regularly to drink 4 mugs of beer each day.

I had a customer who used to come to my pub regularly to drink 4 mugs of beer each day.

Out of curiosity, I asked him why always 4?

He answered, ' I have 3 brothers, we used to drink beer regularly and now they have moved to another side of the world and to celebrate our brotherhood ev...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

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A new immigrant is learning how to date in America.

He meets a nice girl and they go on a date. At the end of the date, as he’s walking her home he asks her what he can give her as a gift for their second date. She says that it would be a nice if he gave her flowers, so before the next date he stops at the local flower shop. At the end of the second...

Wrong Flowers

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's alright." said the s...

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Ling and Ving...

When I was in high school two exchange students from china came over to study at my school, their names were Ling and Ving. I had several classes with the two and I became quite good friends with them, especially Ving. One day, Ving opened up to me and admitted how dissatisfied he was with his name ...

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Day after a bachelor party... (NSFW)

Three buddies go to a friend's bachelor party, and the next day they all meet up for lunch. Joe says
"Guys, I was so wasted last night, I got home and tried to fuck the vacuum cleaner. Now I have a giant hickey on my nuts!" The others nod in sympathy. Chris says
"I was so hammered, I went in m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman sits in her seat on a plane.

As she gets her pillow and mask out preparing for the long flight ahead, she hears the man sitting beside her sneeze. She looks over to say "bless you", but before she can get the words out she is startled to see the man unzipping his trousers. He pulls out his penis, wipes it off, tucks it back in,...

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Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's.

One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.


The second dog turned to him and asked, "What are you in here for, buddy?"


"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he to...

A doctor, a priest and a model are driving.

So the three of them are driving on a country road, when they hit a bunny. They stop and get out, overwhelmed with sympathy for their fluffy victim, it lies motionless on the road


The doctor draws on all his skills to try and get the bunny up again, but to no avail. The priest kneels down...

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross...

... and his disciples are gathered around, crying.

Peter, looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, Peter, come!". Peter rushes over to the cross, only to have his right arm cut off by the roman guard. He gets up and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears...

Back in time

Stop me if you heard this joke:

Jimmy magically traveled back in time hundreds and hundreds of years.

He walked around the village feeling very superior to these uneducated and backward people. Saw them practicing with bows and arrows, riding horses, etc.

He walked up to the me...

Two friends are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says: "YES...NO...YES....NO...YES...NO..."

It is a big company where the boss is an English man.The deputy manager an Iyengar requested for leave for performing "purattasi sanikkizhamai puja".The boss called him and asked him to bring the concerned leave file,Going through the file the boss told him he has not took leave last year for this p...

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Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

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