Abstain Jokes - 34 Hilarious Abstain Jokes

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

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Abstaining

Three couples went to see a minister each wanting to become members of his church. The minister said they would all have to abstain from for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. He explained that their acceptance would be based on how willing they were to make small sacrifices ...

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Young Couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no ...

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When Hellen Keller was alive, she abstained from …

She couldn’t see herself doing something like that.

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What does a Magician call abstaining from ?

*Coitus Avoidus!*

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

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Professional boxers usually will abstain from the night before a big fight....

...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr

Why is it impossible to hastily commute whilst abstaining from ingesting food or beverage and surrounded by foes?

Because you cannot fast travel when enemies are nearby

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So there are three couples.

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The ...

My wife and I had a talk about my drinking problem;

She said: "I think you need to abstain from alcohol and face your problems."

I responded: "I need absinthe for my problems? And here I though I was the one with the drinking problems!"

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message...

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Three Couples were Trying to get into a Church...

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a newly-wed couple were trying to get into a church.

The pastor said, "we only have one rule to get into this church...to test your devotion to God, you have to abstain from for one week."

So the week passed, and the couples all came ba...

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Three couples are looking to join a new church.

They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.

"If you can abstain from having until next Sunday, then I'll let you join my congregation," he says. "I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation."

All three couples agree that it's a fair test, and they promi...

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Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I gue...

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A young couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously ver...

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

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A man is seated in 1st class with an open seat next to him.

Anxiously awaiting departure he can't believe his luck when a stunningly beautiful blonde approaches. As she sits down next to him he silently vows to abstain from hitting on her. It's doubtless she's had that happen to her frequently. She settles in and they're off and heading for San Francisco i...

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

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A 93 year old man is about to marry a 24 year old girl...

He goes to his doctor and asks for a prescription after telling the doctor his situation with an impending new young bride.

His doctor warns him: “ Given the length of time that you have abstained from , I’ve got to warn you- could prove to be fatal.”

“Doc”, says the old...

A Lutheran moves into a neighborhood of Roman Catholics on the first day of Lent.

That Friday, the man grills out on his patio, filling the neighborhood with the mouthwatering aroma of seared steak. All his neighbors, being practicing Catholics, are obliged to abstain from eating meat on Fridays during Lent. Needless to say, they aren't particularly happy about it. The next Frida...

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Three couples want to join a church

Three couples want to join a church, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds. They’re in a meeting with the pastor and he tells them that if they want to join, they need to abstain from for 2 weeks to prove their devotion to the church.

Two weeks go by, and the couples mee...

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Ole and Lena want to join the local church

So they go meet the pastor. The pastor says “This church very high standards for our members. In order for me to accept you as new members, you will have to prove you are worthy by abstaining from for 30 days”.

Ole and Lena look at each other and said “Ya, sure, vee vill give it a try”...

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Joining the Congregation

Three married couples, an elderly pair, a middle-aged pair, and two newlyweds, are applying to be a part of the congregation of a church. The pastor tells them that part of the part of the process involves them undergoing a trial of chastity, and as such that they must refrain from for two full ...

I’m a fat man starting to feel spiritual

As I looked into all the different religions, I found that that all of them, in one way or another, involved abstaining from food. Hindus, for example all give up beef. Mormons boycott alcohol and coffee. As a Catholic you can eat anything most of the year, but have to give up the foods like most fo...

So there was a police officer and his police dog...

The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked ...

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Joining the new church

A Newlywed couple decide to join this amazing new church so they meet with the Pastor.

"Pastor" says the Husband "what are the rules of your church? We want to join."

"Just one" replies the Pastor "We are a deeply devout church and you must abstain from with each other for 30 ...

@theRiver

A pastor was completing a sermon on abstaining from drinking alcohol.

With great expression, he said, ‘If I had all of the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.’

With even greater emphasis, he said, ‘And if I had all of the wine in the world, I’d take it and ...

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

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Three couples want to join a church.

... There is an older couple, a middle aged couple, and a newly wed couple. They all meet with the priest.

The priest tells them they must abstain from for two weeks. The priest says "after two weeks, if you are successful in putting God before your own desires we will welcome you into ...

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My wife and I tried to join a catholic church...

We met with our town's catholic priest this past Sunday to talk about becoming catholic. He gave us a long list of requirements we would have to fulfill (what we could/couldn't eat, say, do, etc.) and at the end of our meeting he said, "Oh yeah and one more thing, until next Sunday you must abstain ...

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There was an engaged couple...

talking to a priest about the possibility of getting married in his church.

"You two look like fine young lovers, and I would be happy to marry you, but first you must prove your loyalty to one another by abstaining from for a month."

The couple agreed and they all planned to meet ...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

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