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Real Life Jokes

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be big love, haven't seen her for weeks.

Happen in real life and wanted to share; My friend is always asking to borrow my power bank, so I said I should be charging you for this. Another guy nearby said immediately:

And another guy said immediately: You will make bank if you do.

What is true in both Minecraft and real life.

Never waste diamonds on a hoe.

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

Facebook..in real life...

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures...

Elon Musk thinks he's a real life Tony Stark

But he's actually a real life Justin Hammer

Real life incident with 5 yr old : We were once stopped for some VIP convoy to pass through.

Our 5 year old asked us why the car stopped, so we explained there is a lot of police etc going through. She asked why so many policemen? I said it is a big leader who is traveling.

She then asks : “Why would so many policemen be required to prevent him from stealing something?”

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Whats the difference between porn and real life?

In a porno the repairman fucks the woman. In real life he fucks the job.

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Best jokes come from real life. This happened this morning.

The toilet is clogged. My wife and I both insist we've only gone #1.

One of us is full of crap and the other one is full of crap.

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

Original joke that actually happened in real life. Slightly dirty.

My wife is planning a day of debauchery for a friend, otherwise known as a bachlorette party. A pole dancing class is going to be part of the festivities and the warning on the website is "Classes are not suitable for pregnant women who have never poled before." My response to this being read aloud ...

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

Joke in real life

DISCLAIMER: THIS JOKE SUCKS BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME EARLIER TODAY

I'm currently in hospital being treated for a pulmonary embolism and the doctor ordered a echocardiogram for me.

When I was getting my heart looked at, it was the only place I've been in hospital playing music. Really coo...

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Porn vs Real life

People always tell me that what you see in porn isn't real and you shouldn't worry about it.

I'm really glad about that because when I watch porn all I hear are phrases like "Yes, more, Faster" but when I have sex it's just constantly shit yelled at me like "PLEASE, NO, STOP" and a few times ...

Why does Rule #2 say "Behave like you would in real life"

But all the other rules prohibit that? :D

Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies.

Women’s heads are much harder to put back on in real life.

Something that happened to me in real life which is really funny.

So one day i was going for a movie. It was me and my friends. Some other random dude came into the lift. He pressed "g" aka ground floor and then i asked him why he pressed g because we were on the ground floor. He replied by saying "Because g means go".

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I found the real life inspiration for the island from Fortnite!

The Virgin Islands

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I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

What is the real life equivalent of speedrunning?

Getting an abortion.

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

I want to play a real life game of Among Us at Home Depot

But I'm busy doing tasks in electrical.

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'Who wants to be a millionaire' in real life

A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed after watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband says, "Can we have sex tonight?"

The wife replies, "No, I'm too tired tonight."

The husband says, "Is that your final answer?"

The wife says, "Yes, it is, tha...

How do you use calculus in real life?

You integrate it

This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke

Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?

DeliGirl: Genoa salami?

Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

Clowns terrorizing the streets. A real life billionaire villain running for president.

We need Batman now more than ever

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So, the 2nd rule about posting on Reddit is to 'behave like you would in real life'.

Funny; I've never before been *asked* to behave like a total asshole.

I thought it would be a cool idea to have sonic in real life

But apparently speed doesn’t make animals faster

You ever have those days when real life feels like you were cast in a movie?

Sometimes I'm "Pedestrian #4" and other times I'm "Man on bike".

Despite always being made fun of on the internet, I've never seen a fedora-wearing neckbeard in the real life.

I guess that means the stereotype is true.

[Nsfw] This girl from Compton had the weirdest IG page. Turns out she was a real life Vampire!

She sucked all the bloods

A weasel walks into a gas station with a ski mask and a gun, demanding that the cashier puts everything in a bag for him. The cashier says “wow! A weasel!! I’ve never seen one in real life before!”

*pop goes the weasel

What's the difference between Jesus in real life and Jesus in a picture frame?

It only takes one nail to hang up Jesus in a picture frame.

Not many people know that Nelson was 5' 6" in real life. His statue in Trafalgar Square is 17'4"

That's a Horatio of around 3:1

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

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Learning about sex by watching porn is like learning to drive by watching Fast and Furious

It's angrier, quicker and much more to do with family than real life.

A man walks into a bar for illiterate people. The bartender says, "Don't you hate it when people tell jokes that have specific details about situations that would never happen in real life, just so they can make some dumb pun?" The man, nodding, replies,

"I no write."

A vampire bat had just returned to his cave at dawn...

His chest was covered in fresh blood. As soon as he settled in to sleep for the day the other vampire bats started crowding around him, sniffing at the blood and wanting to know how and where he got it.

He pointed one of his wings towards the mouth of the cave and said, "Can you see that big ...

The cast of Friends got shipwrecked on an deserted island...

Monica, Joey and Chandler were left behind because in real life David is a Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.

My IT Company Got Catfished

They hired a Java Developer remotely but when they finally met him in real life, he turned out to be a JavaScript developer!

A man was deathly afraid of ice cream

So much so that the mere sight or mention of the tasty frozen treat could send him into a panic attack.

He tried to avoid it, but it was everywhere. In movies. In songs. On social media. In real life!

Due to the severity of his condition, the man resolved to find a life partner who hat...

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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

A fabricated exchange between George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill.

Shaw writes to Churchill: "I'm reserving you two tickets for my new play. Come with a friend (if you have one, that is)."

Churchill replies to Shaw: "I can't make the first performance. I'll make sure to watch the second performance (if you have one, that is)."

*This exchange has mad...

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