UPJOKE
probabilitypatternsamplearbitrarystatisticsoddhaphazardstochasticdicehit-or-missrandom sequencerandom variablesamplingnumberlottery

Randomly Jokes

Why did the goldfish act randomly?

It was RNG.

Sometimes I randomly shout out Bruno Mars lyrics

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

My friend randomly said: "Pinocchio is a trans icon."

Me: Why?

My friend: "I wanna be a real boy!"

(A stupid joke but I wanted to post it anyway)

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

A tree randomly falls on a lady.

A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"

Randomly thought of this one

What is a pilot's favorite flavored chip?

Plain...



Ok I'll leave now.

I made this joke up randomly at the store...

Did you hear Cyclops of the x-men got vaccinated?

He got his pfizer.

I keep randomly shouting out "Brocolli" and "Cauliflower".

I think I might have Florets.

I want to stop randomly talking about acne

But there's no pimple way to do it

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

My dad got randomly fussed at by the doctor when he went to the urologist After talking with the doctor for a bit, the doctor seemed distant and my dad asked "What is it?"

That doctor said "urine trouble"

If you're ever losing an argument, randomly quote a statistic

People will believe you 80% of the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *trying not to randomly laugh while at a funeral*

Random person: I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus...

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences

But overall, this shouldn't be an issue

I like to randomly throw things at ballerinas.

Keeps them on their toes.

My teacher randomly capitalizes letters on an assignment when someone misbehaves

It’s their capital punishment

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

I randomly encountered a video on YouTube that’s says "How to stop procrasinating”

I thought it was beneficial to me since I am constantly procrastinating, so I saved it to watch later

I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

Random insightful life (by Bob Gray)

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

If you ever have to go through job applications, throw half of them away randomly

You don't want to hire anyone unlucky

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

For some reason, people just randomly come to me and start giving me food!

Stil miss my house though

A recent study has shown TSA random searches are in fact random

After hundreds of hours of observation at dozens of airports researchers were able to say with a high degree of confidence that TSA searches are applied randomly. The frequency of brown skinned men entering the line was highly variable and had no discernible pattern.

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one...

It's going to be a game changer....

I recently installed a new Operating System. The problem is that it randomly deleted half of my files.

It is called Than OS.

I got so angry with poachers illegally killing dolphins that I began randomly implanting some with tiny bombs.

But it just ended up defeating the porpoise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals.

A warning to all you drivers, be careful about drinking and driving and plus police are randomly checking vehicles for drunk drivers.

Public transport is cheaper than DUI and funerals. Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then...

This came to me randomly today; not sure if old, or OC...

How does Hannibal Lecter like his eggs?


Ovaries-y

So a 70ish year old grandpa randomly walked up to me in the gym and laid this one on me:

What's the similarity between a flat chested woman and a stone?


You skip them both.

A dog randomly saved my life a few years ago, I ended up taking him home with me and naming him Malone.

Because I will never be able to pay him back.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the one where Sailors abroad will randomly view the ocean as full of Dicks?‏

Did you hear about the one where Sailors abroad will view the ocean as full of dicks?‏



Well I'm here to tell you...‏



...It is a Fallacy, That the Fella's see, A Phallus Sea.

What were the favorite Linux text editors of 8 randomly selected Monty Python fans?

vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, vim, emacs, and vim.

Recent studies have shown that several species of shrimp have randomly died while migrating to other seas or oceans

I guess they were accident prawn

Do you know what would happen if the Pope showed up randomly to a Catholic service?

Mass hysteria.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 92 year old man I randomly met told me this one: What do you get when you cross a turkey and a cat?

A pussy gobbler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.