Today I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen their faces when I said "My money's on the one with the knife"

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

A blind man walked into a bar...

...then a table, then a chair.

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

"I have slept with 3 men before meeting you " said my blind date

"Man,I was just late by 20 minutes" ..

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

There was once a blind finn, deaf dane and a swede, who was in a wheelchair.

They found a bottle whose spirit promised everyone a wish.

The finn wished first, and soon yelled: I CAN SEE I CAN SEE!

then the dane wished, and soon yelled: I CAN HEAR I CAN HEAR!

Then the swede wished, and soon he yelled: NEW TIRES NEW TIRES!

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist camp?

It's not hard.

Body builder to blind dude: with enough training, you can get ripped like me

Blind dude: I feel you.

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why don't blind people go skydiving?

because it scares the fuck out of the dogs

What do you call a blind gynecologist?

A lip reader

I put my d*ck in my blind girl's hand

She said no thanks I don't smoke..

What happened to the blind circumcisionist?

He got the sack.

Why did the blind men fell into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well!

Who called It blindness and not

See sickness.

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Someone once told me masturbating would make you go blind.

I had to contain my laughter as he was facing the wall saying it.

A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:

People always tell me not to make blind people jokes

But how would they see it coming?

How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearrange the furniture

The dumb and deaf are better than the blind in the dating game.

They can read signs

I heard a horror story involving a camera and window blinds.

I shutter at the thought of it.

Ok so a blind guy walks into a bar

Then into a table then into a counter then into the bartender

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

How do you entertain a blind kid?

Give them a sheet of sandpaper and tell them it’s a find a word game

Two rival pirate captains agreed to blind each other as a sign of peace between their parties

It was an “Aye” for an “Aye”

What do you call a blind deer?

No idea =( no eye deer)

I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus.

I no longer have my bus driver's job.

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

A blind guy walking down the street

A blind guy walking down the street, passes 2 guys making fun of him an laughing. He turns to them and says "I really don't see what's funny here".

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

After work, I volunteer to help blind children

Btw- Verb not Adjective.

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A blind man walks into a restaurant

The waiter notices that he's blind and says "Would you like me to get you the braille menu sir?"

The blind man says "No, thank you. Just bring me one of your dirty forks and I'll decide what I want." So the waiter does that and the blind man smells it and says "Yes, I'd like the roasted lamb ...

Did you hear the amazing story about the blind construction worker?

He picked up a hammer and saw.

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

A blind man talking to a deaf man :

-Good thing you can at least see!
At which the deaf man responds :

“I see,” said the blind man, as he peed into the wind.

“It’s all coming back to me now.”

Wanna hear my impression of someone who went blind at birth?

"I've seen a thing or two"

If people that can’t see are blind, people that can’t hear are deaf, and people that can’t talk are mute, then what do you call people that can’t smell?

Covid positive

Why did the blind orphan cross the road alone?

Because he wished to see his parents on the other side.

Why don't blind people like skydiving?

You try getting a dog to jump from a plane.

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I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people.

A blind man walks into a restaurant...

The owner greets the blind man and asks him how he can help him choose a meal "shall I read to you our menu? “the owner asks.

" no need" says the blind man, "just bring me a selection of dirty forks and I'll know what to choose."

Curious, the owner goes back to the kitchen, gets a hand...

Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

How many blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None: they never noticed it was out!

I met three men the other day - a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man, named John, Fitzgerald, and...

I don't know, he wouldn't say.

My mate set me up with a blind date.

Things got off to a bad start when I tripped on her stick and her Labrador bit me.

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm meeting my blind date here tonight," he tells the bartender. "She's the sister of one of my friends. All he told me was that she was blonde and is expecting a baby." "Well," the bartender replies. "That explains why you're sitting here in just a diaper....

I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind guy and my boss fired me for it.

Guess I'll have to find a bus driving job in a new city.

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

How does a blind man know when he's done wiping?

The taste test.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

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A blind man was walking down the street

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the do...

I donated $100 to a blind children's charity...

Too bad they won't ever see a penny of it.

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

In the 1950's a group of friends decided to test a blind man to see if he could tell the denomination of bills.

They started passing one dollar bills to the blind man and he could tell that they were one dollar bills.

Then someone gave him a five, which he knew immediately was a five dollar bill.

Then they handed him a ten, and he still knew what it was.

Then they alternated the one, five...

I went on a blind date yesterday.

She seemed like a nice girl at first. Since I’m a big animal lover I really appreciated her bringing her dog.

But I just can’t see myself with someone who wears sunglasses indoors, that’s just rude...

A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “the doors 3ft to your right”

How does the blind skydiver know he’s about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

(Credit: My blind sister.)

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars

The blind man said:
I’ll pay my debt when I see you.

The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:
The surgery went well!

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If a blind woman tells you you have a large penis.

She is probably pulling your leg.

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The barte...

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A blind man walks into a lumberyard and asks for a job.

The manager looks at him and says, "what job could I possibly give you that you could do?"

The blind man says, "I can identify any wood by smell."

So, the manager decides to test him. He holds up a board up under the blind man's nose. The blind man takes one whiff and says, "Cherry. D...

Who doesn't know about blind people?

Deaf people probably never heard of 'em

The local blind man came to my house today.

But after a short look through the catalogue I’ve decided to stick with curtains.

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I entered my son's room and said "remember boy masturbating can make you go blind"

"I'm over he dad" he replied

I just met a dog that was trained to help blind people

Apparently he’s blinded three already.

I asked a blind girl If she'd go on a date with me

She said "Let me see"

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A dad turns to his son and says "Masturbation causes blindness."

Son replys "Dad I'm over here."

A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common.

When asked about their experience,

the Sheep went: “Bah”

and the Goat went “Meh”.

Why can’t the blind man see his friends?

Because he’s married

What’s the best way to cure blindness?

Vitamin C

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A blind man walks into a bank.

He puts on a mask, and pulls out a pistol. He yells, "GIVE ME ALL THE GOODS! NOW!"

A teller breaks the silence by saying "Sir... This is a sperm bank."

The blind man yells in response, "DID I STUTTER?"

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

A blind man and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar

The blind man hits his head. This must have been a setup.

A 70 year old woman finally agreed to a blind date.

After ordering his food, the man said, "I have to be careful what I eat. I have dentures. Do you wear dentures?"

The woman, who was also clearly wearing dentures, but was too self-conscious to admit that, answered, "No, not me."

"Oh really?" said the man, "I don't think you are very to...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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What more can you say about a blind prostitute?

You really gotta hand it to them

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

People should not condemn recently blinded people.

It’s not their fault they are Neo-Not Sees.

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

Have you heard the one about blind hookers?

You've really got to hand it to them.

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The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

We saw a blind man walking at night (true story)

My girlfriend: whats he doing walking when its pitch black out!
Me: ......

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An Old Man Get's The Attention Of The IRS For Some Suspicious Activities

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

I saw a man with a cane and a dog guiding him. I walked up to him and said "you must be blind".

He replied "tell me something I don't know! ".
I said "there's a tree over there!"

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

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