The 98+ Best Blind Jokes

how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

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How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

They finally did it, Reddit has made impossible for blind people to moderate their sub with the api changes. This is their last statement from r/blind

"H dhei osndhsjbw siso is koqp odjd jsoa JD djs sis ikksbs"

(I am sorry for this horrible joke and I really hope things may work out for you)

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read

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If a blind girl says you have a big willy…

She’s probably just pulling your leg.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

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"Son, you'll go blind if you masturbate too much."

"Dad, I'm over here."

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

I just found out I’m colour blind

News came out of the purple.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

My blind wife left me

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else

The blind salesman a woman in the shower

A woman was taking a shower when she heard a knock on the door. She called out, “who is it? I can’t come to the door right now, I just stepped out of the shower” The man at the door answered “Don’t worry lady, I’m a blind salesman”…so the woman says “ok you can come in”. He gets inside and asks: “wh...

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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

2 blind guys were about to fight

I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

A blind man walks into a bar...

And a table... and chairs... and people

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

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My blind girlfriend said my dick was big

But I think she was pulling my leg.

UPDATE: Thank you all for getting me on the popular page!

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

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A blind man's big penis

A blind man was always turned down by women because of his disability. He knew one thing though, that he had an abnormally large erection. Knowing he couldn't successfully have a relationship, and use his hammer properly, he asked one of his dear friends to bring him to "pleasure palace", a local se...

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

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What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

How do you stop a fight between two blind men?

Just say you're rooting for the man with the knife.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

Two blind pilots enter a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pl...

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"I See, I See" - said the blind man, pissing into the wind.

"It's all coming back to me".

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl

She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone

It’s either terrible news or great news

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

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The only good joke I know, and it's about blind people

Two guys are walking their dogs and come across a bar. One of them smiles. "shit yeah, let's get wasted!" he says. The other guy isn't sure. "I dunno, man. I don't want to leave my dog outside around these parts." "Dude, relax. Just follow my lead."

The first guy puts on some sunglasses, then...

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Got a handjob from a blind girl last night

She said "You have the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on."

I said "Nah. You're just pulling my leg."

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Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille

and she leaves you on felt

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One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

One day a blind man goes to a restaurant

The server asked him if he’d like to see the menu

The blind man says: “no, I am blind, just bring me a dirty fork and I will smell it and order”.

The server, confused, goes to the kitchen, and brings back a dirty fork.

The blind...

What do you call a blind fascist?

A Not-See

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

How does a blind skydiver know when he's getting close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

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What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation.

The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider"

to which the blind man replied "step on it"

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Have you guys heard about the blind prostitute?

Well, you got to hand it to her.

A blonde walks into a blind date

“Nice to meet you” she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth

“So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work?” She asks the man

“Oh I’m an optometrist” he replies

The blonde flashes a big smile and says “I think this is going to work out after all, I’m a gl...

I dated a blind girl and she broke up with me.

Guess who's back with a different voice

A blind man walks into a bar

A blind man walks into a bar and says , Hey do you all want to hear a blond joke?

the bartender quickly leans over and says , just so you know , im blond , the 2 other bartenders are blond and the 2 big bouncers are blond

the blind man hesitates and says "Never mind, i dont want to hav...

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

A blind man had to shoot his dog...

To this day, he still misses him

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

If you are on a blind date, try opening with a joke you found here on this sub.

That way you can make sure it’s not some weirdo who is on Reddit.

What’s the worst way to dump a blind person?

“I think we should see other people…”

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What would Hitler be called if he was blind?

A not-see.

Blind Man: I love this half sandwich restaurant

Me: What do you mean? They only serve full sand...

Service Dog: (puts a paw on my lips)

A blind man walks into a bar...

He finds a stool at the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

After a few sips he beckons for the bartender and says, "Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?"

The bartender says, "Sure, but before you do tell it, you should know there's a massive bodybuilding world champion sitting n...

A blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man like a woman

The blind man, to impress her, says: "If I could see anything, I wish I could see your face."

The deaf man says: "If I could hear anything, I wish I could hear your voice."

The mute man says:

A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and the female bartender walks up and asks what he wants.

He orders a beer and asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke?

She says “Hold on buddy. You clearly are not aware, but this bar is completely staffed by women. And I’m a blonde, the woman you’re sitting next to is blonde, and the bouncer behind you is blonde. You sure you still w...

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

I had a blind date

And she had a date with Brad Pitt.

A blind man with a service dog walked into a bar

The construction worker holding the bar said, "Dude, you need a new dog!"

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

I heard Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan are working on a new film made specifically for the blind.

It's called "You've Got Braille"

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, “Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything ...

I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children

But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money

I had a blind date last night

I had a blind date last night. But I was concerned -- What do I do if she's really unattractive? I'll be stuck with her all night.

Turns out, There's an app for that.

It's called "Mom Are You Ok". It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet her.

If you like her, you igno...

How do you make a Venetian blind?

You poke him in the eyes.

My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.

The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind broth...

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

What's a pirates worst fear on a blind date?

A sunken chest and no booty.

did ya hear about the blind circumcisior?

He got the sack

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Why don't blind people clean up their guide dogs' poop? .

Because they can't see shit

We should really thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

What do blind people and the weekend have in common?

I overheard a kid saying this today when we crossed paths walking down the street but I wasn't able to hear the punchline. Looking for any good answers as this is *really* bugging me till I find out.

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The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

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Why are blind people so bad at masturbating?

Cause they never see it coming

How are blind spiders able to see?

They use web sites.

What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer

What do you call a blind gynecologist?

A lip reader.

I asked a blind date what she wanted to do for the evening...

She made what seemed like a very forward and provocative suggestion. Not one to turn down a lady, I shrugged and tore off her clothes and mine, and we made passionate love that lasted less than 2 minutes.

Afterwards, breathing heavily, she said "That was... Unexpected and amazing. But can we ...

The blind lady on the airplane got mad at me.

Because I asked if she had done any Sight Seeing on her vacation.

What’s a blind persons alternative to a seesaw?

A hearheard

Did you hear about all that corruption in the blind charities?

No matter how much you donate, *those kids will never see a dime.*

Why do blind people get so offended by every joke?

It's all dark humour.

A boy’s momma walks in on him playin’ with himself. She yelled, “Stop it! Don’t you know you’ll go blind doin’ that?”

He said, “Yeah, but Momma, can’t I just do it till I need glasses?”

I was just about to go on a blind date with a female roofer

But her fascia turned me off

A blind guy and a hunchback…

A blind guy and a hunchback were drinking in a bar. The hunchback suddenly remembered he promised his wife he would be home before midnight. So he rushes home, taking a shortcut through the cementery.

While walking through this cemetery he suddenly hears: “BOO, i am a ghost, what’s on y...

An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind ...

... but it will allow ugly people to get laid.

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