how do you surprise a blind guy?

you leave the plunger in the toilet

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

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What did the blind girl tell her bf who just had a premature ejaculation?

“Didn’t see that coming”

[Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath.

Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I’m Heather.

Guy: This isn’t a competition.

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

A blind man walks into a bar

And then a table... And then a wall...

I saw two blind people fighting...

and I shouted, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!" They both ran away.

How do you entertain a blind kid?

Give them a sheet of sandpaper and tell them it’s a find a word game

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

I gave my bus seat up to a blind person today!

And that's how I lost my job as a bus driver...

Why did the blind orphan cross the road alone?

Because he wished to see his parents on the other side.

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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she whispered in my ear "You have the biggest penis I've ever laid my hands on!"

I said "Na, you're just pullin' my leg!"

Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head.

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It’s not hard.

You know why blind people don't jump out of airplanes?

It scares the dog.

The blind date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm meeting my blind date here tonight," he tells the bartender. "She's the sister of one of my friends. All he told me was that she was blonde and is expecting a baby." "Well," the bartender replies. "That explains why you're sitting here in just a diaper....

How does a blind man know when he's done wiping?

The taste test.

Two blind pilots enter a plane.

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the pla...

A blind man walks into a restaurant...

The owner greets the blind man and asks him how he can help him choose a meal "shall I read to you our menu? “the owner asks.

" no need" says the blind man, "just bring me a selection of dirty forks and I'll know what to choose."

Curious, the owner goes back to the kitchen, gets a hand...

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Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

I donated $100 to a blind children's charity...

Too bad they won't ever see a penny of it.

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

How many blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?

None: they never noticed it was out!

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

What did the blind, deaf and mute quadriplegic get for Christmas?

Cancer.

I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind guy and my boss fired me for it.

Guess I'll have to find a bus driving job in a new city.

I went on a blind date yesterday.

She seemed like a nice girl at first. Since I’m a big animal lover I really appreciated her bringing her dog.

But I just can’t see myself with someone who wears sunglasses indoors, that’s just rude...

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I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people.

How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner!"

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A blind man was walking down the street

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the do...

A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender looks at him and says “the doors 3ft to your right”

I See, Said The Blind Man...

...as he picked up his hammer, and saw.

A woman lent a blind man 100,000 dollars

The blind man said:
I’ll pay my debt when I see you.

The blind man returned 1 week later. He pays the 100,000 dollars back and says:
The surgery went well!

What do colour-blind people and cyclists have in common?

They can't tell the difference between red and green.

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I saw a guy masturbate to completion in front of a blind woman

She didn't see that one coming

_I am so sorry_

A sheep and a goat went on a blind date and found out they had nothing in common.

When asked about their experience,

the Sheep went: “Bah”

and the Goat went “Meh”.

How do you break up a fight between 2 blind men?

Yell out: 'My money is on the one with a knife...'

Who doesn't know about blind people?

Deaf people probably never heard of 'em

The local blind man came to my house today.

But after a short look through the catalogue I’ve decided to stick with curtains.

How does the blind skydiver know he’s about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

(Credit: My blind sister.)

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A dad turns to his son and says "Masturbation causes blindness."

Son replys "Dad I'm over here."

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Did you hear the one about the dad who told his son to stop masturbating or else he'll go blind?

His son said, "Dad, I'm over here."

What’s the best way to cure blindness?

Vitamin C

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I entered my son's room and said "remember boy masturbating can make you go blind"

"I'm over he dad" he replied

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A blind man walks into a bank.

He puts on a mask, and pulls out a pistol. He yells, "GIVE ME ALL THE GOODS! NOW!"

A teller breaks the silence by saying "Sir... This is a sperm bank."

The blind man yells in response, "DID I STUTTER?"

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The barte...

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A blind man walks into a lumberyard and asks for a job.

The manager looks at him and says, "what job could I possibly give you that you could do?"

The blind man says, "I can identify any wood by smell."

So, the manager decides to test him. He holds up a board up under the blind man's nose. The blind man takes one whiff and says, "Cherry. D...

I just met a dog that was trained to help blind people

Apparently he’s blinded three already.

Why can’t the blind man see his friends?

Because he’s married

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A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I ...

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If a blind woman tells you you have a large penis.

She is probably pulling your leg.

A 70 year old woman finally agreed to a blind date.

After ordering his food, the man said, "I have to be careful what I eat. I have dentures. Do you wear dentures?"

The woman, who was also clearly wearing dentures, but was too self-conscious to admit that, answered, "No, not me."

"Oh really?" said the man, "I don't think you are very to...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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What more can you say about a blind prostitute?

You really gotta hand it to them

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

I asked a blind girl If she'd go on a date with me

She said "Let me see"

How do you stop 2 blind men from fighting?

Scream, “look out he’s got a gun!”

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My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

People should not condemn recently blinded people.

It’s not their fault they are Neo-Not Sees.

A blind man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...

...the bartender says, "Hey man, what's with the parrot?"

The man says, "It's my seeing-eye parrot."

The bartender says, "You know, most people use dogs right?"

The man replies, "Yeah, but do you know how hard it is to get one of those to stay on your shoulder?"

A blind man and a conspiracy theorist walk into a bar

The blind man hits his head. This must have been a setup.

A blind man walks into a Macy’s...

He picks up his seeing eye dog and starts twirling it around on the leash.

An employee walks up to him and says, “What on earth are you doing?”

He says “Don’t worry, just looking around.”

Have you heard the one about blind hookers?

You've really got to hand it to them.

I saw a man with a cane and a dog guiding him. I walked up to him and said "you must be blind".

He replied "tell me something I don't know! ".
I said "there's a tree over there!"

Bob was blind.

His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday.

When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

The blind girl broke up with me

She said after what I'd done, she couldn't see us being together anymore.

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

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A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up,
“Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman...

We saw a blind man walking at night (true story)

My girlfriend: whats he doing walking when its pitch black out!
Me: ......

Blind person goes skydiving. How do they know when they'll hit the ground ?

There's less tension in the dog's leash.

Why is it good to be color blind?

Because people can’t call you racist.

How do parents punish their blind kid?

The rearrange the furniture in the house

Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book?

He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"

I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush

I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.

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The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

What do you call a blind white supremacist?

A Not-See

What does the blind man say when walking past the fish market?

“Good evening ladies”

I volunteered to help blind children today!

That’s a verb not an adjective btw.

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

They've announced who will be playing the lead in the new Blind Batman film.

It's Christian Braille

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

My friend is blindly in love with pie.

I don't what to do with his irrational relations.

An old blind man walks into a hardware store

He asks the cashier,

“I’d like to get into carpentry, but how could I ever make anything with my disability?”

The cashier, not knowing how to help, tried to find a way to help the old man.

“Well, if you were to start I’d go really slow, don’t get any heavy machinery or complic...

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I was on a blind date with a woman the other day when she told me that she was "Pansexual"

...so I said "That's not a problem with me, but I am curious what your preference is though...



skillets or woks?"

What do you call a blind clock that’s really tall?

Long time, no see

Man blind from birth hears about a new surgery to restore his sight

A man blind from birth hears about new surgery that can give him sight. He goes to the doctor who tells him he can do the surgery. He asks if being able to see will have any negative impacts on his life.

"Well," the doctor says. "You won't be able to maintain an erection."

"Is that a c...

I don’t understand why people are worried that whacking off will make them go blind.

I’d kill to get off that good

Bob takes Jenny to the fair for their blind date ...

Bob asks Jenny what she wants to do first. Jenny says excitedly, “I want to get weighed!” Bob says okay, and they go to the Guess Your Weight tent and Jenny wins a stuffed bear.

Bob asks what she wants to do next, Jenny says, hesitantly, “I ... I want to get weighed ...” Bob thinks this stran...

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

A blind man is being interviewed about an experimental procedure to restore his sight

A reporter asks him what he thinks will happen.


The blind man responds, “I don’t know, I guess I’ll see.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife came out of the shower.

She walked into the bedroom and said to me.

"Babe please shut the blinds, I don't want the

neighbours to see me naked."

"Don't worry" I said, "if the neighbours see you

naked, they'll shut their own fucking blinds!"

Have you heard of the blind girl that went sky diving?

She had a great time but her dog didn’t

Why are kittens born blind?

So they can practice staring at nothing.

I tried blind archery today.

For those who have never tried it, you don't know what you are missing!

Blind man walks into the grocery store with his seeing eye dog...

The man walks to the middle of the store, bends down, picks his dog up by the tail and begins swinging the dog around in a circle over his head.

The manager of the store approaches him and hesitantly asks, “Sir, may I help you?”. To which the blind man responds, “No thanks. We’re just look...

They say to upset a blind man, leave the plunger in the toilet...

But I think you'd frustrate him more by putting door handles all over the wall.

Blind people are all so empathetic, it’s so heartwarming

they really do feel everything

Why are Blind teachers so good at their job?

They can do it with their eyes closed.

My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!

If those who can’t hear are deaf, and those who can’t see are blind, what do you call those who can’t smell or taste?

Covid positive.

How can you tell if someone is blind?

Their alphabet goes:
ABDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

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