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Raiser Jokes

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

The erectile dysfunction society held a championship fund-raiser the other week...

...But no one made it past the semi-finals

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy traveling through a small town walks into the only bar. There’s one other patron in the entire place, already drunk. The drunk man stumbles over, wraps an arm around the traveler’s shoulder and begins to talk:

“Did you see that fence on your way in? I built that fence. Do they call me Fence-Builder Johnson? No...” He downs a shot of whiskey.
“Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No...” He downs another shot of whiskey.
“Did you see those storef...

The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles as a fund raiser. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced woman came to the door:

She: "What do you want, Sonny?"

He: "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?"

She: "Well! Do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?"

He: "S-s-sorry, Ma'am ... W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

TIL Donald Trump personally built the barn for his daughters horses, and apparently he did a better job than most professional barn raisers do.

Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius.

Jack and Jim are busy stocking the aisles at Sams Club...

They're stacking pallets of Lipton's. They're about to put the last pallet on top when the forklift breaks down.
"Oh NO!", Jim exclaims, "How will we get this last pallet on top without killing ourselves?"
"Don't Worry", says Jack," just go pick up one of those disposable Bic's on the sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twin Brothers

There once was a set of identical twin brothers. One

lived a godly life. He was a good husband and

father, reputable businessman, and did lots of

community service. The other one was a hell-raiser.

He drank, cheated on his wife, stole and lied. They

both died a...

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