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Promises Jokes

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out ...

Three things Christ promises he will never do

He won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

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Keeping promises to the grave.

Husband and wife are talking.

H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"

W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"

H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"

W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never ...

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The farmer sells his horse for $2000 to a buyer at the market.

The farmer initially promises to deliver the horse to the man in a week, but halfway through that week, the horse dies.

The farmer offers to return the money, but the man decides to proceed with the purchase. In the following week, the farmer encounters the man and inquires about the fate of...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant.

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a can...

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A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish...

Stoner: "Alright maaan, uhhh, how about.... a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it"

Leprechaun: "A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish."

Stoner: "Really, another wi...

It’s refreshing to see a President keeping his campaign promises.

Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

The devil appears before a lawyer and promises to ensure that he wins every case he takes for the rest of his life.

Lawyer says: “It’s always about a deal right? What’s in it for you?” Devil says: “I want your soul, your wife’s, your son’s, and the souls of any more children you have in the future.” Lawyer pauses, thinks for a moment, and responds: “But what’s the catch?”

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

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A man was playing golf,

and forgot which hole he was at. He saw a woman ahead of him and asked "Excuse me, what hole are we at?"

The woman replied, "Well, this is 7th and you're a hole behind, so that would be 6th."

The man thanks her and returns to his hole. Smitten, he decides to go talk to her after a few ...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

My ex saw me yesterday and told me when I die she promises she'll dance on my grave

'Good' I said, 'I'm being buried at sea'

When a man promises to do chores, he will keep the promise.

No need to remind him every six months.

Breaking News: Putin orders full investigation and promises severe punishment for whoever poisoned opposition politician Navalny...

insufficiently.

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Trump may not fulfill all of his campaign promises...

...but he sure is making Saturday Night Live great again.

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Father and son free a genie and he promises them 3 wishes...

The father starts explaining "Son, these wishes are very precious, we have to think before" but the son says without hasitation "Give me a hedgehog!" Genie snaps his fingers and there is a hedgehog. The father loses it and facepalms "Fuck the hedgehog." Suddenly the genie cries in agonizing pain: " ...

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

It's difficult, but Trump is still focused on keeping campaign promises during this pandemic.

Just a few more cases and Mexico will pay for that wall

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An alcoholic man promises his wife not to drink anymore...

**Just as a disclaimer**
I don't know whether this joke is original or not it was told to me by my grandfather and it's very possible he took the joke from someone but I can't really find out if he did or not.

The wife says 'I'm fed up with you going out and getting drunk every night, if y...

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Broken Promises

While my son was at the school yesterday he was acting up. The teacher called on him and asked, "Do you remember what you promised me?" The boy said, "Yes, that I wouldn't misbehave anymore." Then the teacher asked, "And do you remember what I promised you?" The boy responded, "Yes, that if I misbeh...

Remember to never trust anyone who promises you change.

Unless it's a cashier.

Our daughter wants us to set a place at our Thanksgiving dinner table, for her teddy bear, Theodore. She promises he won't eat very much.

She said he has been eating a lot lately, and is already stuffed

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

After years of empty promises about "buckling down and flying right,"...

.. Greece has finally set the place on fire for the insurance money.

What school would politicians have to graduate from to be able to fullfill their campaign promises?

Hogwarts.

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A man goes out to the bar woth his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink.

A man goes out to the bar with his friends, but promises his wife he won't drink. All night long his friends try to convince him to drink with them and get a cab later. He finally relents and starts taking shots.

Pretty soon he catches and surpasses his friends. He gets so drunk that he throw...

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A man promises his wife to quit drinking...

...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour. He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself. Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy. "What am I gonna do? I'm busted for sure."

But his friend has an idea. "Let me see your wallet.". T...

Balloonist and Hiker

An older colleague of mine told me this. It may be older than him.

A hot air balloonist got blown way off course. Realizing how lost he was he decided to lower altitude to see if he could get some help from someone on the ground. He saw a large wilderness expance but luckily he noticed a hike...

Oprah promises prosecution of all women in sleeveless dresses when she takes office

She is against the right to bare arms.

What's the scandal when Tesla promises their cars can travel farther than they really can?

Elongate

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