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Spreadsheet Jokes

Which is the deadliest cell on a spreadsheet?

AK47

I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

I have a spreadsheet of all the Abe Lincoln reposts.

I call them my Lincoln logs.

Why was the spreadsheet afraid of its chart?

Because it has multiple axes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

Boss: How good are you with spreadsheets?

Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word

The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...

You need to learn spreadsheets...

if you want to Excel in life.

Was going to go to Norway on holiday this year. Ran the numbers through my budgeting spreadsheet and . . .

. . . couldn’t a-fjord it.

Why did the spreadsheets get divorced?

They just couldn't sort things out.

I keep a spreadsheet of every time Abraham Lincoln is mentioned on Reddit.

I call it my Lincoln Logs

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been making extra money on the side by creating erotic spreadsheets...

I don't feel great about it, but what can I say?

sExcels

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do 40 year old virgins type their spreadsheets?

Incels.

What do you guys think of my idea to abstain from working with spreadsheets for 40 days before Easter?

Because personally, I think it's Excel Lent.

My family all makes fun of me for having a low-paying job filling in spreadsheets

But I like having a job where I can Excel.

A lonely, angry young man started to keep a spreadsheet of all the women who he thought had wronged him.

It was the incel's Excel.

A struggling salmon swims into a life-coach office and says he's trying to make a spreadsheet of everything he needs to do to get his life back on-track. "Where should I begin?", he asks.

Life-coach: "Populate the roes."

I have a spreadsheet wherein I track all the chocolate toffee bars I've eaten.

It's my Heath ledger.

An accountant opens up their spreadsheet, only to find all the numbers missing. Their cat is sitting by the desk, looking smug.

I dont know why they're so suprised, cats are good at knocking things off tables.

Over the last few weeks i've been collecting details about my life and adding them to spreadsheet on my computer.

I've really exelled myself.

What's the difference between an Accountant and a Proctologist?

One stares at spreadsheets and the other stares at spread cheeks.

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

When you start to excel

People start to spreadsheet

A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

When you keep a database about your exes,

if you make a new cell in a spreadsheet containing information about a previous SO who has gone to jail and is celibate against their will, it is an incel-in-cell ex-Excel cell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Workers and Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took o...

Microsoft has developed a special version of the Halo 3 rendering engine which can run within LibreOffice Calc spreadsheets...

It's called Halo3.**ods**t

A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window

The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"

One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.

Figuring out what the dog ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

The Canine Applicant

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up...

Jesus and Satan were arguing about who was better with computers...

Jesus and Satan were arguing about who was better with computers, when they decided to see for sure by having a contest. Whoever could demonstrate greater skill, as judged by God, would be deemed the winner. So the two sat down at their computers and began typing, furiously creating spreadsheets, da...

Jesus and Satan's tech battle

One day, both Jesus and Satan got into an argument over who was better at computers. This debate lasted for so long that God decided to step in and declare a contest - each would compete against the other in a series of computer-related tasks to determine computer superiority once and for all. God w...

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