UPJOKE
monasteryabbessbishopabbeydeacondiocesepriestrectoregyptnunneryvicarreverendbenedictineconventmonk

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Four monks were called by an abbot for a test of purity. They were asked to drop their robes and stand naked.

The abbot brought four small bells and asked the monks to tie them to their penis. Their task was to stand still and not make the bell ring. The task seemed easy until the abbot brought a super hot model into the room. None of the bells rang ,so the abbot asked the super model to do a strip dance. T...

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

An abbot takes over a monastery, and just as he’s settling in, one of the monks comes to his door and says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Being something of an innocent, the abbot hands over twenty dollars with a faintly puzzled expression, but doesn’t ask.

Next morning another monk comes to the abbot’s door and again says “Father, I am going into town – could I borrow twenty dollars for a legover?”.

Still the abbot asks...

Abbot & Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,<...

Abbot and Costello meet the Corona Virus

The World Health Organization says Corona is officially a pandemic.

Who says that?

Yes. 

Who said it's a pandemic?

That's right! They also said don't touch anyone.

Who? 

Anyone! 

I'm asking, WHO said don't touch anyone? 

Absolutely. And...

What did the abbot say when a monk showed up for an audition with no sheet music?

You've got no chants

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A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someo...

A young novice joins a Silent Monastery. He is permitted to speak two words every 10 years.

After the first Decade he is admitted to the Abbot's study, sits across from him at his desk, and says: "Soup cold". After the second Decade, he does the same and says: "Bed hard". Once thirty years have passed, he stands at the threshold and declares: "I'm leaving"! Whereupon the Abbot slowly looks...

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Celibate

A young monk is being shown around the abbey by the abbot. They come across the scriptorium.

“This,” the abbot announces proudly, “is where we make copies of the Bible. They all come from here!” He says, pointing to a giant book chained to the center of the room.

“That’s the original...

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence.

As part of his vow, he can come before the Abbot once every five years and say whatever he wants, but it can only be two words long.

Five years come and go and the man stands before the Abbot . They ask if he has anything to say and he responds "Bad Food." He is then dismissed and returns to ...

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow.

A man goes to a monastery and asks to join. The Abbot agrees to accept him under one condition. "You must take a vow of silence, and you are only allowed to speak 2 words every 5 years upon reaching your anniversary of taking that vow".

The man agrees, and in due course he takes his vows. 5 ...

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A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

He is told by the abbot that on the anniversary of his vow, he can speak one sentence. A year goes by and on the first anniversary, the monk says: "My bed is uncomfortable."

Another years goes by. On the anniversary, the monk tells the abbot: "The food is cold."

Yet another year goes b...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Name the worst two-wheel drive in Texas

Govenor Abbot

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

A monk at a Benedictine monastery lived there for many years,

became well known for his immense learning, and eventually rose to the position of abbot, where he gained access to the monastery’s full archives. He decided to open the archives and begin translating and cataloging it.

So he holed up in the vast library, carefully going through its many rare...

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A novice is working in the scriptorium and he gets to wondering . . .

. . . if he is copying copies of copies of copies of copies, might errors have crept in somewhere. So he asks the abbot, who concedes the point, and descends to the manuscript repository to find the earliest copy of the MS in question.

The novice waits patiently, but the abbot is gone an awf...

Another "guy goes to a monastery" joke - an oldie but a goodie

This is an old one, so apologies if its been here before (I haven't seen it yet, but I don't check /r/jokes every day). I'm a bit bored at the moment, so I've embellished it a bit! enjoy :)

So, this guy is hiking in the Himalayas, as you do, and, as he's hiking up the narrow, rock-strewn path...

There were some monks in a monastery...

...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man...

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[nsfw] A guy wants to join the monastery...

A guy wants to join the monastery, but he isn't too sure yet and makes an appointment with the abbot for a tour and some more information.
When he gets there, the abbot gives him the grand tour. The abbot takes him to see the gardens, the chapel, sleeping quarters,... After he saw the entire abbe...

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

...but he is allowed to speak two words every decade. After ten years go by he goes up to the abbot and says carefully: "bad food."

Ten more years go by and he again goes up to the abbot and thinks carefully and says: "hard bed."

Finally at the end of ten more years he goes up to the ...

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An young aspirant joins an order of silent monks

Every ten years, the monks are allowed to break their vow to say two words. After one arduous decade, the day on which the young monk is finally allowed to speak has arrived. After thinking for a bit, he grimaces and says “bed hard”. This concludes his brief speech, and he goes about his priestly du...

A man wanted to became a monk...

So he spoke to the Abbot.
He was told he must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.
The man agreed and after the first three years the Abbot asked him what his two words were.
"Food's cold" he replied.
3 years went by and the Abbot asked him again what hi...

Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -

His engine's gasket blown.

His car was old and cold and towed.

The man was left alone.

-

'I need to find a place to stay

Until it's fixed,' he spoke -

But as he rose to walk away

Arrived a band of folk.
...

A monastery has a barbecue

It is usually prohibited for monks to eat meat, but the abbot one day realised that most monks had rarely eaten meat in their lifetime in the first place.

He decided that it would better for them to indulge in the taste and then learn to stave of the temptation of later consumption, so that ...

Brother John has entered a monastary and has taken a vow of silence but he's allowed to say two words every ten years

After the first ten years, the abbot calls him into his office and says "Well, Brother John, you've been with us for ten years. What would you like to say?"

Brother John says "Bed hard".

The abbot says "Thank you, Brother John. You may go."

Another ten years passes and Brother ...

A monk is allowed to say only two words every year

Per his oath of silence, a monk is only allowed to say two words every year. After his first year, he comes before the head abbot to speak his two words.

"Better Food."

The head abbot understands and obliges the monk, hiring a new chef and improving the food quality at the monastery....

So a novice monk is copying texts...

So a novice monk is copying texts in a monastery. As he diligently works, get get's to thinking, "Hmm, if I just copy my master's work, and he just copied his master's work, and his master just copied them from his master, and so on, then what if there was a mistake? Wouldn't the mistake just be pro...

A group of Irish friars was running short of funds...

A group of Irish friars was running short of funds, so they decided to start a business selling flowers from the cathedral gardens. Happily, their business was extremely successful- so successful, in fact, that the local flower shop could no longer stand up to the competition. The owner, determine...

A new novice comes to a monastery...

and the abbot gives him a tour. After showing him all the rooms, he leads him to a wardrobe in the back of the dormitory. He says to him: "If you ever feel... earthly desires, you can go into this wardrobe."

"What happens in it?"

"You'll be given head to give your earthly desires a hea...

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