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What do you call an overweight, unhygienic, prostitute?

Mom

My doctor told me I'm overweight,

I said, "I want a second opinion." He said, "OK, you're ugly too!"

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

Why are all the spiders in Paris so overweight?

They only eat French flies.

I feel kinda sorry for overweight dominatrixes

....always getting picked last for kickballs

I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem

Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do,...

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If you would date a guy who is funny, has a house and a good job...and don't mind that he is overweight (beer belly) and balding...I've got news for you:

you're probably Homersexual.

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

I called one of those psychic hotlines and said can you put me through to a large overweight fortune-teller please?

She said sorry, we only have mediums

My wife didn't leave me because I'm lazy, overweight and jobless. She left me because I don't know anything about baseball.

That was strike four.

Why are Republicans overweight?

So they can own the lbs.

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

My doctor said I’m an overweight lush and that I should start exercising. I told him “Doc, I tried running…

…but the ice cubes kept falling out of my drink!”

I unfriended an overweight friend on Snapchat.

My phone gained a gigabyte of storage back.

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.

It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

Warning: Police are on the lookout for an overweight man who did not pay his entrance fee to the Boston Marathon.

He is believed to be still on the run

Hearing Loss Symptoms

Worried he was losing his hearing, a man makes a doctor visit.

The doctor asked, "please describe the symptoms".

"Well, he's bald and overweight and she's tall with blue hair."

Got promoted at the bakery after my overweight boss died

I've got some big chouxs to fill

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

What do you call an overweight Russian?

A Siberian husky!

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

What is the best country for overweight people?

Bulge-area

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee

he didn't work out

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight

These, of course, are only round figures

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer

than the men who mention it

What do you call an overweight alien?

An Extra large Terrestrial

An overweight man goes to the doctor

The doctor says “sir we need to talk about your weight. It’s been a growing concern and I’m afraid if it gets worse, you’ll have some major heart issues. I think it’s time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?”

The man goes “please, en...

I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

Why Kim Jong-Un is overweight?

Because he never had to run for office.

What do you call an overweight monk going scuba diving?

A deep fat friar.

Today I divorced my alarmingly overweight wife.

I guess it just didn't work out.

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I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

What do overweight conspiracy theorists believe in?

Earth is fat

What do you call a city full of overweight people?

Obe-city

What do overweight people and arson at prisons have in common?

cellulite

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely \*whales\* from?"

Why can’t the cops ever catch overweight killers in the act?

They’re only looking for the active shooters

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

A woman goes to a new dentist for the first time.

When she sees his name on the diploma, she thinks she must've gone to high school with this guy. Then she sees him and thinks it couldn't possibly be the same guy. This overweight, balding guy with wrinkles on his face and tobacco stains down the front of his shirt. But she sits in the big chair and...

There was an overweight guy who was watching TV...

....A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catc...

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

What do you call an overweight couple with 7 kids?

A TLC show

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

My girlfriend, Serenity, asked me to guess her overweight sister’s name

Her other sisters name was Charity, so it was obvious to me what her the overweight sisters name would be
Update: My girlfriend is yelling at me. Apparently her name was harmony, not obesity.

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

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Complimenting the wife

An Irish man's wife is standing naked in front of the mirror, looking at her body and feeling distraught by what she sees.

"Oh Paddy, look at me! I'm hideous! I'm overweight, me tits are saggy and me hair's starting to go grey.

"Could you please pay me a compliment to make me feel bett...

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Walmart.

An elderly man gets a job as a Greeter at Walmart, a very overweight woman comes in with two obnoxious kids, they are shouting and screaming, throwing things about, running around the store causing mayhem, the Greeter, walks over to the woman, encountering a strong smell of Body odour and cheap perf...

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

Why is America overweight?

'Cus these colors don't run, brother!

My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..

I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

I worked up the courage to call out my overweight cat today.

I asked him "If you're such a fat cat, where is all your money?"

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?

They have greater potential.

What do you call an overweight bounty droid who moonlights as an Instagram influencer?

An IG unit.

Never make fun of an overweight person with a lisp.

They're probably thick and tired of it.

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So this overweight guy wants to lose a few kilos

He's watching TV one day and sees an ad for weight loss: Lose weight fast & cheap! Deciding he'll give it a go, he rings the number.

The lady on the other end asks him how much weight he wants to lose.
"I want to lose 5 kg" the man replies.
"Okay, just give me your credit card numbe...

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Overweight porn addicts

They're massive wankers.

How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend

My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".

Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".

To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.

My overweight parrot has just passed away

To be fair, it's a weight off my shoulders.

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A guy is sitting in a bar and hears some overweight ladies talking.....

he notices that they have an interesting accent. As he continues to eavesdrop, he realizes that he is having a hard time placing where the accent is from. Finally he walks up to the ladies to ask them and says, "Hi. Are you ladies from Scotland?"

One lady retorts back annoyingly, "It's Wal...

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A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

Where does overweight Batman live?

In the fat cave

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I had sex with a really overweight shemale recently and haven't felt well since.

Seems like trans fats are bad for you after all.

I used to be overweight.

A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me. The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"

I looked at him and replied, "Well, every time I fu\*\*ed your mother, she gave me a Cookie."

Why are the wealthy often overweight?

Because of their four chins

My roommate took his dog to the vet this morning and they told him that he was overweight.

And to make it worse, they said the dog is overweight too.

Why do you never trust overweight female drug dealers?

Because they always cell-u-lite

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

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Overweight



A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've gotten so fat I can't see my penis anymore."

The doctor says "Well, you're just going to have to diet."

To which the man replies "What makes you think I could find it easier if it was a different colour?"

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

You know you’re overweight when...

You get in the bath and toilet water rises.

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

What name do you call an overweight unknown man?

John Dough

An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise...

She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.

Overweight convict escaped from prison last night,

still at large.

What makes overweight people so attractive?

They have a strong gravitational pull.

Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was a stage he was going through.

I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine...

I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place.

Did you hear about the overweight terrorist?

His dying words were "Allahu snack bar!"

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

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It's too bad those Nazis weren't all handicapped, overweight or ugly...

...because then Trump might have condemned them.

"You don't seem to be losing any weight." said the doctor to his overweight patient...

"Did you follow my advice to start taking some exercise?"

"Exercise? I thought that you said 'extra fries'!"

I believe the theological philosopher Thomas Aquinas was rather overweight......

I guess this makes him an early deep fat friar

5% of toddlers are overweight

and they're called “waddlers"

Did you hear about the overweight introvert who thought he had won the hot dog eating contest?

Turns out he was just a bit shy.

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