What is the best country for overweight people?

Bulge-area

I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they're terrible.

I think it's flabbercasting.

Blonde Overweight

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The...

What do you call an overweight Russian?

A Siberian husky!

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight

These, of course, are only round figures

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What do you call an overweight penis doctor that can also tell you the weather forecast?

A meaty-urologist.

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee

he didn't work out

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

An overweight man goes to the doctor

The doctor says “sir we need to talk about your weight. It’s been a growing concern and I’m afraid if it gets worse, you’ll have some major heart issues. I think it’s time we talk about a way for you to lose some weight fast. Would you like to hear about liposuction?”

The man goes “please, en...

A wife asked her husband, "Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?"

The man replied, "Yes, I do."

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

What do you call an overweight alien?

An Extra large Terrestrial

I unfriended an overweight friend on Snapchat.

My phone gained a gigabyte of storage back.

an overweight man visits the doctor

the receptionist shows him in

the doctor says "fortunately for you, we just got a new experimental pill in. instant weight loss. take it tonight, get a good night's sleep, and when you wake up you'll have shed all of your excess weight."

the man rushes home, takes the pill, and goes ...

What do you call an overweight monk going scuba diving?

A deep fat friar.

Two overweight women are sitting at a bar. After a few drinks they get loud and start to irritate the guests around them.

A man sitting close to them attempts to engage them in a conversation, hoping that a more conversational tone will get them to calm down.

“Excuse me”, says the man “I couldn’t help but notice your accents....are you ladies from Scotland”?

Without skipping a beat one of the ladies rudel...

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I absolutely love and admire the unintellignt, overweight, yellowish-orange skinned man with the bad combover covering his baldness who has had his finger on the nuclear button all these years...

Wait... I was talking about Homer Simpson, who did you think I meant?

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

Why can’t the cops ever catch overweight killers in the act?

They’re only looking for the active shooters

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

Why Kim Jong-Un is overweight?

Because he never had to run for office.

My overweight friend fell down the stairs

He was fine. everyone was concerned, however the floor was cracking up

My Doctor told me I was overweight and I should do something daily that gets me slightly out of breath.

So I took up smoking.

New study shows that overweight women...

...live significantly longer than men who mention it.

What do overweight people and arson at prisons have in common?

cellulite

I named my overweight cat Kelvin

Because he is an absolute unit.

Went to the doctors

Doctor: You’re overweight

Me: I want a second opinion

Doctor: You’re ugly

Today I divorced my alarmingly overweight wife.

I guess it just didn't work out.

Why are fish never overweight?

Why are fish never overweight? They carry their scales with them.

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If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away

What do you call an overweight psychic in a pool?

Clair-bouyant

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely \*whales\* from?"

My girlfriend, Serenity, asked me to guess her overweight sister’s name

Her other sisters name was Charity, so it was obvious to me what her the overweight sisters name would be
Update: My girlfriend is yelling at me. Apparently her name was harmony, not obesity.

What do you call an overweight bounty droid who moonlights as an Instagram influencer?

An IG unit.

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

An overweight rabbi walks into a bar

“Ouch”

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt?

A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

What do you call a city full of overweight people?

Obe-city

Why is America overweight?

'Cus these colors don't run, brother!

I worked up the courage to call out my overweight cat today.

I asked him "If you're such a fat cat, where is all your money?"

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

Where does overweight Batman live?

In the fat cave

They arrested the overweight soap maker

Apparently he was a big fat lyer.

Overweight convict escaped from prison last night,

still at large.

Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?

They have greater potential.

My overweight parrot has just passed away

To be fair, it's a weight off my shoulders.

I used to be overweight.

A few years ago, I was waiting in line at a bank. There was a mother and her little boy in line behind me. The little boy asked, "Hey Mister, how come you are so fat?"

I looked at him and replied, "Well, every time I fu\*\*ed your mother, she gave me a Cookie."

Why are the wealthy often overweight?

Because of their four chins

What makes overweight people so attractive?

They have a strong gravitational pull.

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A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

A guy walks into a bike store with his overweight wife

He tells the clerk, “I’d like a bicycle built for two, and one for me. “

My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..

I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.


Happy new year!

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I had sex with a really overweight shemale recently and haven't felt well since.

Seems like trans fats are bad for you after all.

You know you’re overweight when...

You get in the bath and toilet water rises.

Stop making fun of that overweight girl with a lisp

She's thick and tired of it

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

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I tried to tell a Frenchman that I'm an overweight homosexual

But he just thinks I'm tired.

An overweight man calls a fitness company and orders their three stage weight loss course. The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him, an athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck...

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs him...

Why do you never trust overweight female drug dealers?

Because they always cell-u-lite

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Overweight



A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've gotten so fat I can't see my penis anymore."

The doctor says "Well, you're just going to have to diet."

To which the man replies "What makes you think I could find it easier if it was a different colour?"

How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend

My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".

Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".

To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

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Overweight porn addicts

They're massive wankers.

My roommate took his dog to the vet this morning and they told him that he was overweight.

And to make it worse, they said the dog is overweight too.

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So this overweight guy wants to lose a few kilos

He's watching TV one day and sees an ad for weight loss: Lose weight fast & cheap! Deciding he'll give it a go, he rings the number.

The lady on the other end asks him how much weight he wants to lose.
"I want to lose 5 kg" the man replies.
"Okay, just give me your credit card numbe...

What name do you call an overweight unknown man?

John Dough

I set up a restaurant for overweight people

I'm trying to cater for a wide audience

Why did the overweight actor fall through the theater floor?

It was a stage he was going through.

Did you hear about the overweight, alcoholic transvestite?

He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.

"You don't seem to be losing any weight." said the doctor to his overweight patient...

"Did you follow my advice to start taking some exercise?"

"Exercise? I thought that you said 'extra fries'!"

I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine...

I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place.

Did you hear about the overweight terrorist?

His dying words were "Allahu snack bar!"

What's the difference between a weatherman and an overweight doctor that handles the urinary tract?

One's a meteorologist and the other's a meaty urologist.

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It's too bad those Nazis weren't all handicapped, overweight or ugly...

...because then Trump might have condemned them.

Now that I'm an overweight, nearly middle aged man, I'm considering bulimia more and more

But I don't have the stomach for it.

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I just saw a news headline about an unidentified man found beaten, naked, and unconscious in the park.

The report described the man as overweight, unattractive, with a very small penis.

....

So anyway, I just called to see if you were okay. Call me back to check-in, worried about you.

I believe the theological philosopher Thomas Aquinas was rather overweight......

I guess this makes him an early deep fat friar

What do you call an overweight hobbit's belly?

His Middle Girth

An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise...

She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.

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A guy is sitting in a bar and hears some overweight ladies talking.....

he notices that they have an interesting accent. As he continues to eavesdrop, he realizes that he is having a hard time placing where the accent is from. Finally he walks up to the ladies to ask them and says, "Hi. Are you ladies from Scotland?"

One lady retorts back annoyingly, "It's Wal...

Did you hear about the overweight introvert who thought he had won the hot dog eating contest?

Turns out he was just a bit shy.

Is that a fat joke?

Why are all priests overweight?
Because they hate to exorcise.

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

I once told a joke...

... about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist...

I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?"

She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based...

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I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.


There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

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