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Poured Jokes

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I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I have beer.

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

Two blondes are sitting at a bar...

Two blondes are sitting at a bar, obviously celebrating something. They wave over the bartender, and tell him to pour two more shots. Once poured, the two blondes clink their glasses together and say "42! YEAH!! 42!".

"Bartender, another round!"

Same thing happens on this shot. They c...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

I poured her a drink and I said "Say when..."

She said "After this drink."

What did the priest say as he poured holy water on a router?

Go and SYN no more.

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Apparently, my daughter's boyfriend poured Vodka on her vagina.

Absolut cunt.

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I found a butterfly on the ground without wings, so I poured some redbull on it and BAM...

... it drowned

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

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A young vaccum cleaner salesman on the first day of the job knocked the door of a house. The moment they opened, he poured a bottle of dried dog poo on their carpet.

"If I cannot remove all the poo from the floor within the next 10 minutes, I will lick them off myself " He said in a confident tone.

The owner gave him a packet of mints and said

"Here is for your mouth after you complete, my electricity got cut off only today today morning due to lat...

What did Gimli say after the elves poured him some coke?

THEY CALL IT A LINE!

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Man, some dude just poured a gallon of milk all over me

How dairy!

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

I shouldn't have poured all that ketchup into my eyes

It seems pretty obvious now that i have complete Heinz sight

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan...

...someone is going to be wrong.

I poured Red Bull into my CPAP machine...

Got a full night’s sleep in 45 minutes.

I poured spot remover on my dog

Now he's gone.

(My favorite Steven Wright joke).

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets?

They fired him for thyme theft

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Old Asian man ordered forty-two coffees. I said “you sure?”. He nodded yes…

Poured about 7 coffees and he starts shouting stop! stop! stop! I’m like “what happened?!” He repeated his order “ I want 4 tea 2 coffee” …

I once accidentally poured glue in my son's corn flakes

He's never talked to me again

A man was having a bad day...

A little man sits sadly in the bar with a beer in front of him.

A large, bad guy walks along, smacks him on the shoulder and drinks his beer happily.

The little man begins to cry with desperation, sobbing.

The big one: "Don't be like that, ya plump wimp! Crying for a beer!"...

I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk

Don't have any concrete evidence though.

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

I poured a bag of yellow vegetables over a dead policeman.

Corn on the cop.

anecdote

The Irishman, wanting to smuggle whiskey through customs, poured several bottles into a large jar.

\- What's in the jar?

\- Holy water.

The customs officer opened the jar and tasted the liquid.

\- What water?! It is whiskey!

\- Dear God, another miracle

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

I got in from the pub and poured myself a glass of water.

"You're drunk, aren't you?" said a disappointed voice behind me.

"What makes you say that, honey?" I asked.

She said, "This isn't your house."

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My wife pranked me this morning. She crushed my Viagra pill and put in my eggs, and poured some MiraLax in my milk.

I didn't know if I was coming or going!

I poured some bong water out on a plant, turns out they don’t like weed

Bushes prefer cocaine

I quit my job and poured years into it

Thanks to this recent Ebola scare, I can't ever release my online bowling game...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

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