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Hammered Jokes

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

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A man is sitting at the bar, hammered drunk...

all of a sudden he throws up all down the front of his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me" the man yells.

The bar tender takes pity on the man and decides to help him out "don't worry mate, just tuck a $20 note in your top pocket and say a drunk at the bar threw up on you, then...

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A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.

"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."

"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.

"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into ano...

A guy in a Canadian city wants to get hammered.

He goes up to the local pub with a strong man blocking his way.

"I want to drink the night away!"

The muscular guard takes off his sunglasses and says,

"What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

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Two drunks getting hammered as usual...

And as usual the fist one vomits all over himself. "Goddamnit, my wife's gonna be pissed."

Second Drunk: "Whaterya bellyaching about? You always throw up on yourself."

First Drunk: "Yeah, but this time The Wife says she won't let me in if I smell like vomit anymore." So the Second Drun...

This guy was hammered at work today

So we called the cops. Get this, they didn't take the guy who was hammered away, but the person who threw it.

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Two women go out to a bar and get hammered...

On the walk home, they both have to pee.

One woman pees in her pants, and throws away her panties. The other goes into the cemetery they were walking by and pees near a tombstone, using a wreath placed on the stone to clean up before going home.

The next morning, their husbands talk ...

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.

A man came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?'

The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'

'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.

'Well,' ...

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

I played a cool video game with some really hammered dudes,

We were Super Smashed Bros.

A hammered dude walks up and orders a beer...

Woman: Sir, this is a library!

Dude: Oh sorry!

Dude: (whispers) One beer please

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My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta g...

Rumor has it that Jesus got so hammered on Good Friday that he didn’t wake up for 3 days.

Easter Joke... Nailed it.

Last year I got so hammered on Good Friday

I woke up in a cave three days later

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, hammered into the ground, again?

Repost.

What do you call a drunk communist?

Hammered and sickled.

Did you hear about the creator of Arm & Hammer?

He used to be armed and hammered, but he really cleaned up his act.

Why is Chris Rock like a used anvil?

They both got hammered by a blacksmith.

some guy told me I was a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend

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